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End of the Road Farm

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sKePTiKal:
I'm going to just babble out some random things that have been floating through my head. Dunno if they're connected or not.

I'm perceiving myself as being "stuck", because there's just not a lot of physical activity going on here right now. (Going to try to change that today.) I have some big ticket items to shop for and haven't done it. I have the money; that's not the issue in why I'm just not doing this. I've asked the "big brothers" for input too... since these are machines that will help me do what needs doing here, even by myself. I think I'm doing the "conditional thinking" thing again. And dominos.

I can't just proceed to buy what I need, until I take care of some big ticket items I've been discussing with Matt & Hol... and until they sort their situation out... I can guarantee that those items, aren't even on their radar. This is all in my head & feelings mind you. And it makes no sense rationally. But because both pieces of equipment are traditionally "guy things"... I think I'm really put off by trying to wade into that with little to no experience. (I am doing my homework though.)

I think I can trust myself to buy seeds, right? Well, apparently not. The stack of catalogs and the list of things I eat are sitting on the coffee table mocking me.

The job of moving things and tackling the last "mikey pile" was supposed to get done over the winter. More dominos... deciding what I needed to store things; what things I could store in the barn; that made sense to be there... instead of somewhere else. It took a LONG time just to get to the point of putting shelves together.

I can't decide if I'm being lazy because I'm tired; some of the decision-fatigue lingering on... or if I am actually resisting work, because I don't "like" it... or more correctly, if the inner little girl doesn't "wanna". I feel like I need/want to just sit around around like a lump... and not even think. I thought maybe I just need sunshine - but it was a little chilly & windy yesterday - and that just saps my energy. I perceive... that I'm just not able to step up and do, what I want done, because that seems to validate that a) I'm really alone and b) I don't matter... as much as the people I'm trying to take care of. I'm doing the essentials... and those mundane chores have become anxiety-laden as I attach overmuch importance to when they actually get done.

I don't EVEN think I can look at any of my lists, plans, timelines... much less the legal stuff I need some time to digest and ponder over. I'm so anxious about whether things are happening in the "correct" order... sigh.

I guess I'll take another round of Vit D, again, until it decides if it's really going to be spring or not. I'm not exactly depressed... more apathetic than anything else. And right now, that feeling - or non-feeling - has the upper hand. It's probably because there are still things on the list, that didn't get done...that need to, for me to give myself permission to play in the dirt. And that need to connect to people... seems to run counter to the need to "be in my body" and "do work at a comfortable pace".

I hope next week's massage removes whatever "sludge" this is and gets me up & moving again.

sKePTiKal:
MAYBE...
I just need ME to really NEED me, to start SOMEWHERE and keep on going. Maybe this is another level of working on trusting myself again. One of those non-verbal pre-cognitive things that have been there forever... and I should be thinking about connecting to me, what I need, and how to go about it.

AND take a week's round of Vit D.

LOL.

FLAILING.

sKePTiKal:
OK, a month of sending "getting to know you" notes back & forth to the viking... with a week long hiatus there... and he JUST last night called me "dear".

LOL. Maybe we're both gun-shy. Love our space - to a degree. Hmmm. Hmmmm.

lighter:
Amber:

Guilt sucks.  Throw it down the hole, and just DO something you love.  Order seeds....or read reviews of seeds....or....
paint.  Just pull out the paints and create.  Without judgement or should or have to anything.

Or sit quietly, and know that's what you need to do right now.  Down time is part of life and cycles and busy time comes round and round again.  Always does.

Resistance to accepting cycles just mucks them up, and draws out the parts that frightens us, ime.  Embrace the static time, and ask it why it's here.  Fold yourself into it's arms, and find comfort there, if you can. 

Stop resisting.....

Get curious.

You're doing great.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
This morning, the "thing" on my radar... that has me pinned down is the danged impossibility of trying to plan for the future. (Probably a shifting target because there's more than one thing.) Impossible - even for Viking Shield Maiden - because the waves of change going on "outside" in "greater life" - are still shifting around and not settling down. The number of variables that are "uncertain" are increasing not decreasing... and require elaborate spreadsheet managed formulas.

But I did make a start on the mikey pile yesterday. Only worked a couple of hours; the wind started to pick up again and standing on concrete wears me out - along with the difficulty of "space management" and trying to have room to spread things out enough to "sort". Found my company parka, though. Rated for cold Michigan winters... which I could've used the past 2 winters here. If it still fits. (Working on that too, at least in my head.)

And in the process, forgot the clothes that have been in the dryer for 2 days that need folding... and to bring up some more wood to split. But, talked to electrician - and he'll make the next step in getting power to the barn next week. Other business taken care of. A couple local shopping things to do... and a big one, over the mountain.

The ranger really needs a bath but I need to start early on a warm day - and that won't be for a while yet. Holly's been quiet. Sent me a tiny house link made from a smaller grain silo. Very functional for one or two people and cute, too.

I am debating about fence. My deer have wings & springs in their legs and sail right over anything that isn't at least 6 ft high. A fence that tall feels like the Berlin wall to me. (One reason I liked being out west - no fences.) Fencing the garden area would be easy - because it's location. And I could use the fence to grow vertically. I have smaller animals to keep out too. So I think I have to redesign that whole idea. Fencing around the house is a bigger issue. It's probably going to require at least one or two - maybe more - gates. Just because of the patios and decks.

So that's going to involve some pencil/paper again.

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