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news about my D

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Hopalong:
Thank you, (((((((((Sea)))))))). So much.

You have understood the razor wire edge of her personality and how her illness manifests better than anyone, from having been through (and still at times going through) the same agony. The bystander who loves, but cannot help.

I feel vulnerable to my D's desperation only when I think about her having been at some point homeless, too messed up to work, and on food stamps. Clearly she needs resources and has found no way to acquire what she needs. A friend of hers did the online fundraiser for her, out of pity and love I know. And my D looked terrible in the accompanying photo. So very worn and older than her years.

That said, I did and have worked through to the decision not to continue giving money. Not without human (and humane) contact. And though it's a very sad situation, I feel in the present that I am no longer a player in it. No longer an active part of it. No longer in her life as she is, in the present, no longer in mine.

So I'm not torturing myself now, though at the beginning of this thread I was going through a fresh agony. Not now. I worked through it faster than I thought I could and came to a decision I can live with. She needs to contact me directly to ask, and if she does (which I do not expect) I would give only what I can afford to give.

There is more psychological separation, and more healing, than there was before.

Even this day, I passed in peace. I actually spent the afternoon with a close friend who has three children. One of her Ds, my own D's age, has just had a baby -- my friend's first grandchild, and decided this was the time for the power move. She has basically cut my friend out of her life (replacing her with the mother in law) and broken her heart. So she's leaned on me a lot lately and the irony is, my loss has enabled me to help someone who's facing some of the same pain.

And...a young Turkish woman I befriended at church, who has lived between two worlds (having to go back into hijab when she visits her parents in the next state, terrible culture war inside her)...came by and brought me a gorgeous plant with a heartfelt note of appreciation for my support over the last couple years. A few months ago, she invited me to her small private wedding here.

So I think what I experienced today was that you can still love even when you're not welcome to express love to your own child. You can still pour love into the world and heal yourself by helping others heal in whatever ways you can.

Just as you do, Sea...every time you write.

Thank you, friend.

love,
Hops

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