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Beware the scorned NM

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Ales2:
Worst part of therapy is there no way to appear anything less than dysfunctional or feel like I can maintain any self respect in the session. He asks, you answer and come off sounding like a loser. There is no other way about it.

Its what I hated with my last T and never got over it. Oh well. I feel fine when I am by myself and when I interact with other people. Who cares what therapy feels like? Its uncomfortable and unlike the gym, there is no upside to the discomfort.

Oh well. Nobody cares about that.

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Ales2 on June 27, 2018, 08:04:05 PM ---Worst part of therapy is there no way to appear anything less than dysfunctional or feel like I can maintain any self respect in the session. He asks, you answer and come off sounding like a loser. There is no other way about it.

Its what I hated with my last T and never got over it. Oh well. I feel fine when I am by myself and when I interact with other people. Who cares what therapy feels like? Its uncomfortable and unlike the gym, there is no upside to the discomfort.

Oh well. Nobody cares about that.

--- End quote ---

Oh, Ales, could it be the wrong kind of therapy or therapist?  Therapy was (and most of the time still would be!) the only place where I felt heard, validated, normal!  It was my sanctuary from a world where I felt like everyone and everything kept telling me I was wrong.  Therapy was the place where I felt right.  I know that we're all different but reading your post made me feel sad and I wondered if it might be the kind of therapy or the individual?  I think it would be nice for you to have a place where you feel heard :) xx

Ales2:
Hi Two ---

Thanks for your post, I appreciate it very much.

After much consideration and journaling, its possible that I came into the session with an agenda of my own, which is validation that my Mother really is awful and contributed to my problems long term. He met her the day before, and I'm sure she played the nice old lady routine (she is 81 now and I just turned 50) of "I'm just worried, she doesn't have a stable career".  That is what the T told me.  Its possible the next sessions will be more about solving those issues rather than wallowing in them.

The first reality is that I do have a career, one that she doesn't like or understand (TV Production) and I do have very marketable skills, but fall short in the workplace largely due to problems I have with abilities to demonstrate my accomplishments, ask for what I can do and I tend to overcompensate by cooperating with others. It has limited my growth in the last couple of years.

The second reality is that she has done everything to encourage me to accept lesser employment (including temping, organizing, sell my car and get a job at starbucks, part time TV work - which does not exist)  and discourage me from starting my own company or owning a home. That is recent stuff, over the last 5 years, but its the same story of discouragement and pattern through junior high, high school and college. When I got out on my own, I did have a 20 year career, complete with promotions and hobbies such as marathon running and volunteering on the Board of my professional organization.

Point is, my current place is not as fluid as it once was and thus she feels my pursuits need to be abandoned, because any trouble I am having is proof that I am not cut out for it.  Its simply not the case.

Getting back to the therapist, he will either see that underneath my experience, there is also someone who was hurt and wounded by her Nist BS and it has negatively impacted my career and relationships. That will probably be addressed in our next session where NMom has to be there.  Whatever happens, I am not giving up my self respect to her or the therapist and as stubborn as it may sound, I'm sticking with my career choice. Anywhere I go, the wounds and communication issues will follow me, so a change of career is not going to yield another result or more success. I could, however, find the right place for my wounds and my experience.

I feel better after I journaled and made 3x5 notecards for the next session. I'm a little more optimistic. I'll make sure the T understands my POV next time and see if that helps and results in any progress.  Maybe it will, maybe it won't. 

And, the last word is this. THANK YOU DR. RICHARD GROSSMAN. This forum and the books and other experts I've researched over the 9 years, (yes, 9 years!) have ended this chapter for me. I'm done with most of these issues, and I have accepted there are parts of me that might never change, and I'm OK with that. Key is to find people who love and accept me as I am. Its their loss if they don't. I thank the board and the friends I have made here for that. THANK YOU!

Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi Ales2,

Thank you so much for contributing to this wonderful community.  People like you have made it a very special place--and a refuge for many who have suffered and haven't found help elsewhere--for all these years!

Richard

Ales2:
So.... I am heartbroken.

I went to the session with the T and he turns out to be a terrific, caring, focused, solution oriented therapist. He gave us both equal time and had a goal for the session and a homework assignment (i.e talk to each other more often about subjects other than the current conflict). Somehow something wonderful clicked with him for me. He seemed genuinely interested in the predicament.

Mom brought up the 30 year old who was evicted from his parents home and elder abuse. She seemed to imply we had that problem because she tried to get free counseling for this problem, but she can't get the counseling unless she files charges against me. She won't, because its not EA but she did tell him she feels taken advantage of.  It was acknowledged that because she doesn't understand what I do, I can't confide in her but she takes that as me keeping secrets from her.  Lots of issues, I wont bore you with......

She then came over to my place for a short visit ( I adopted a new kitty) but sadly, she did not like him and wants to see a lawyer. Its too far for her to drive, its expensive, yada, yada. So disappointed if she doesn't stick to the 3 sessions he asked for since she picked him and made the effort. My sense is that he did not validate her position enough which is what she wanted him to do.  I thought he was giving us both a fair hearing.

She then asked about me about Dr. Karyl McBride ( I posted on her FB page and it came up in a google search) ...and I ignored the question.   Then she left.

I've been in tears on and off for the last couple of hours. Its disappointment and relief all at the same time. Trying to process it all.

(PS - I know that MFTs are mandated reporters.)

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