Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
summer stuff
lighter:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on July 13, 2018, 07:00:59 AM ---Makes me think of Anne. I do believe this goes back to that "primary caregiver attachment". I didn't get enough of this externally as a child... and so never internalized (or learned) the necessity of caring for myself. I see bits & pieces of this, looking at Holly and the places where she is different from me - despite her own childhood messes, she DID have me & others who cared a great deal about her.
--- End quote ---
Youngest DD is very focused on my parenting skills right now. Very alert to what she considers my very low expectations for her and her sister. She pulls groceries out of my arms, and sends me inside the house with my purse only. Makes it clear it's not my job to serve, but to receive help from her and her sister.
She wants me to raise expectations, set boundaries, and enforce them, and the house feels and runs better when I do. Things don't fall apart, though some part of me still believes they might.
Somewhere, my self deprecating style, and my girls' abilities... as a mom can see them, got more and more lopsided.
For me, honoring childrens' feelings was priority. I think I swung harder in the permissive direction, bc of my mother's parenting style... children should be seen, not heard, should wear what they're told, not complain or give opinions, etc. I know our parenting styles likely were more extreme bc of our differing opinions, esp during very trying years when she was with us a good deal of time. My Mom came'round, eventually. Truly SAW that I was giving my girls voice, and honoring their feelings as priority. Saw what she couldn't see, as a young working mother, with Jackie O's fashion sense. It takes time to BE all those things.
I'm now coming'round to my blind spots.... striving for more balance. It's a funny thing, hindsite. Mom and I both lacked balance. We could have contributed our strengths, and learned from each other, but just couldn't do it when I was in crisis. I don't think either of us felt heard in those moments. I know I never felt heard by my mother, not until the final years of her life. It was a gift.
Change is really hard. Even when we can SEE what's to be gained. Just very difficult, IME.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Great news about your DD insisting on carrying groceries, Lighter. I think kids yearn to have purpose and when we don't allow them to give and to help, we deny something important to them. It's not doting to do everything, it's martyrdom, and that makes kids more uncomfortable than just about anything. (Said the expert mother, hahahaha.)
All I know is that guilt trips always make me want to go away. Instantly.
I used to get regular massages and loved them, but my retirement nest egg is hummingbird sized. Not in the cards.
But there is still so much I will be able to do when I reconnect with the motivation. Depression + family loss really does a number on that.
Meanwhile, church poo has hit the fan as the crisis is fully out in the open. I felt really good when a committee mate's wife, an editor at Natl Geo, told him to tell me the letter was "compelling and elegantly written." Whew.
I feel better because it's now time to carry serenity around, accepting that although some people are mad/scared/grieving/concerned... it's on the full congregation and Board now, to find the way through. The way I look at my group's work about the minister is that we were a catalyst for a conversation (huge, church-wide), not the conclusion. Some are angry, and others thank us.
I don't have to worry about the result because I finally understood that I was doing what I believe is right. Nobody else would name it, address it, or confront it. We five (with 25 others who signed with us--plus those who agreed but chose not to sign) were willing to. And so it goes.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hops, what you did was courageous. Even if you had to process a lot of fear and depression to complete the letter. Sad to say, these days it's getting harder and harder for people to feel safe speaking up - regardless of the issue. And I don't mean, just posting an emotional reaction... but actually saying something and explaining your belief in why it's so.
The more people who yell - the less they CAN be heard, because others naturally recoil and want to defend against against the anger - and stop listening. Holly and I were just talking about that. It can feel GOOD to yell - and get that out of your system. But it does reduce your chances of being actually heard.
Says the one who consciously hides behind her adopted Vulcan intellectualism, because lots of raw emotions are pretty scary.
lighter:
Hops:
I was wondering how the church situation was going.
It's a shame there's anger. You'd think church family would care about everyone's feelings. Want everyone to feel safe, served, and welcome.
I'd be ashamed to call myself clergy, or church member for that matter, if I attacked church members sans some attempt to feign compassion, and desire to understand. In the coming weeks everyone will have a chance to reflect on what they believe Jesus would do in this situation. I'm very curious about how all clergy members respond.
Being silent was a poor option you could sit with. You should be able to speak out. Writing that letter, bringing this into the light.... takes guts.
I think Jesus would have listened to you with compassion, the sought to resolve the situation to the benefit of the entire group.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Ahhh thanks, Lighter.
We pretty much threw a bomb into the sanctuary so there's lots of fallout. It's hard on folks.
But we DID do it with grace and integrity and fairness and facts. Lots of facts.
So we're getting appreciative responses too. Quite a few people are uneasy about him and we may just have put it all into words. But we don't control the outcome. I've been responding to queries explaining that I view our group's Letter to the Congregation plus the 8-page Questions & Answers document we've distributed as a catalyst, not a conclusion.
There's going to be an all-congregation meeting on Aug. 5th to address the crisis. National denomination reps are coming to help facilitate. I'm very glad about that, because our Board has contorted itself into protecting the minister and have unwittingly bought into his framing of critics.
BTW, I'm not Christian. Just a Unitarian Universalist. But big difference. (I'm personally very happy with my childhood memories of Jesus. As an adult, Christianity became unsustainable for me.)
Hugs
Hops
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