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Mindfulness
Twoapenny:
The gig sounds very exciting, Lighter, how did it go? I like the idea of the Pig in your head as well, that's quite a good name for a band, too! I hope it settles a bit; I go through phases where I want to eat everything in sight and it isn't good! Lol xx
lighter:
Tupp:
The "gig" was a travesty, at least in DD's mind. I do think she'll do it again, but taking more leadership, and reigning in the group... at least with respect to choosing songs ahead, and practicing plenty before hand. She can't please everyone AND herself. Really good lessons, IMO.
Ya... the Pig in our heads. Mostly I let him have his way with me, then go back to eating as well as I can after he's released his grip. The In Law thing, maybe, has the Pig hanging on. I see that. I'm not going to worry about it, bc it won't help. When I feel better, I'll do better.
DD 18 begins seeing an Eating Disorder professional soon. She chose it. She made the appointment. I think that will bring good information into the home, honestly. Food goes in and out of being a trauma for us. Time to see what that's about, and face it. ::NOD::>
Lighter
lighter:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 19, 2019, 12:55:23 PM ---[moved this over from Tupp's Dark Side thread]
I'm really glad you decided to be loving to your Aunt, Lighter. Kindness never backfires, and sacrificing some bully-bonding with Uncle is so worth it. Absolutely! I agree: )
I think you've had to deal with a lot in life through warrior forcefulness. Yet it sounds as though your Aunt was just feeling sad and overlooked. The teasing and jabs and jibes aren't her language. She's way overpowered. Yet there's nothing condescending about kindness. Your Uncle may be smarter and sharper.I don't think any of us are smarter or sharper. She's smart in her own ways... we all are. What she is..... is completely humorless. Zilch. Nada. And she knows it.
She talks about it. She's maybe a bit bitter about it, and wishes it could be different, but she's stuck, and that being stuck is where we gently prod her. I think she'd join in the chuckles IF she had any sense of humor at all. I think her feeling she's not good enough is baggage from her childhood, bc she's a warrior who basically raised 4 younger sisters while her alcoholic, foul mouthed abusive mother slept her way through too many men, instead of parenting, then died a terrible slow death in the living room while the daughters nursed her angry, vindictive, abusive soul through it. Just terrible, and we're not cruel.... we're playing around her, and beckoning her to come play with us! She's trapped, and we all know it. Meeting her where she is.... is her comfort zone, and that means not using humor around her, or beckoning her to play. It breaks my heart that she's walled off there, in that terrible childhood place she couldn't escape. But perhaps there's a deeper heart than you've been noticing in her. I'd like to think I've always been aware of that deeper heart, and that I've loved her for it. I think that's true. She lived with us when i was maybe.... 14yo, and we hung out all the time. She taught me to eat chocolate cake in a glass, covered in milk, with extra icing on top. And you know what? We laughed together then.
Now that I'm grown, I think she sees herself as not good enough. She was more comfortable with me when i was a child.
I sometimes feel that way myself, and would split off from an adult party, and dance with the kids. It's easier to let our guards down around children. It's easier to let children see us, if we believe we're flawed, IME. Aunt always talks about feeling not good enough, comparing herself to my mother, which was set up by family dynamics.... my mother was the golden child.... and Aunt and Uncle had to listen to stories about AMAZING majorette, model, Miss Ohio, blah blah blah sister who had twins, then worked at B line fashions, etc, and Uncle just wasn't on his parent's radar. All that is wrong, and untrue, and I'm more like my Aunt and Uncle than I ever was like my mother, IMO. My mother didn't have a close relationship with her brother, or her SIL.... she didn't have the relationship I enjoy. None of us had a close relationship with my mother, and we all share that, frankly. I think Aunt somehow thinks of me as an extension of my mom, in my adulthood, and that's the river between us.... that's where the laughter drowned. Maybe all in all, her vulnerability doesn't make her a lesser person. Just someone who needs more cherishing. She deserves to be cherished, and I agree.... she's not a lesser person. She never has been. She's dog tired of my trying to convince her, so I'll just keep meeting her where she lives.... and being patient. I hope she starts laughing again. We'd all appreciate it.
We all do. And you deserve it too. Not because you can out-strategize, outwit, out-lead or out-fight others. Just because you're you, and you deserve real love. Thanks, Hops. I wonder if I believe that.... at every level. Not confusing toxic stuff. The real thing. You don't have to earn it, win it, or know a secret brain formula for how to get it. I don't have to, but I think that's how I end up in toxic relationships... I believe I do, or I'm pathologically driven to PROVE I'm worthy. I see that, as a pattern. I've stopped. I want to see what comes next: )You can have it right now if you give it to yourself. You will. One day you'll wake up with gentle compassion and affection for yourself, the little girl within you, suffusing your whole self. It'll be beautiful I'd like to feel that's evolving for me now. Just acceptance, without judgement, and being OK with my good, my bad, and my ugly. It's me.... all of it. And I'm leaning into being OK with it, bc not being OK isn't working... it's not helpful, or useful, or working for me. I think I'll try something else for a while: )
Don't know if this makes sense, but I was in a chaotic situation yesterday, and it occurred to me that IF I HAD TO I could defend myself, and that felt empowering. I didn't worry about it, or fret over it, or do what I usually do.... mentally wring m y hands over fears, I just knew, and I was happy to know, and felt like a resource I can count on.... for myself, and those I love.
I think I've felt.... for over 10 years, that being able to handle myself/defend myself and vulnerable others was toxic, and harmful.... certainly it was presented as reason I should be imprisoned for 30 years.... and that's been a process to dismantle the fear around it. I'm OK with it, today, which is new. I haven't worried recently about anything to do with that.... and there were plenty of things that worried me. I just know, and there's peace, and calm around it now, where there wasn't before.
Thanks for the response, Hops.
Lighter
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
lighter:
MIL sent 3 Valentine cards to oldest dd.... they arrived 3 days in a row. MIL prints off the one letter, with a few changes, prints, deploys. Busy busy busy. DD is having none of it. No interest.
Watching Trump in the news is like watching my husband, and the ILs operate. Very similar posturing, over the top lies delivered with straight faces, with heavy expectations for getting their way.
::shudder::
Lighter
lighter:
So my oldest dd began seeing a new T today, and I was relieved, grateful, and terribly anxious all at the same time about it.
WHile we were shopping for groceries at the local food coop, a man was taking photos of us with his phone, and trying to be sneaky about it. I didn't find out until this evening when I saw a photo of me on my sister's phone, and asked why she took it. She zeroed in on the guy in the back ground, said she caught him taking photos, and took a photo of him, which prompted him to drop his phone to his lap, and look away. I'm glad she didn't tell me about it then, though I would have paid attention to where he went, and what he was driving, had I known.
Now, I'm not saying it was something nefarious, but I am saying it's odd timing with my MIL sending letter after letter to our address, and to my father's farm. That's a lot interest, IME. At least 5 letters I know about, and likely more. Maybe he's an ammature photographer.... taking sneaky photos with his phone..... sure. That's it.
Also, oldest dd was out of school again today. This guy has photos to prove it.
Lighter
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