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Mindfulness
lighter:
DD17 had wisdom teeth removed yesterday. She was weepy alllll day long, in pain, and emotionally ping ponging around into the night. I was in such distress, it was really difficult. I was exhausted. Couldn't wait to sleep.
It's a good jumping off place to work on boundaries with T today.....
keeping emotional distance in place so we're not both in a hole. I learn how to remain outside dd's pain, shining a light on her and her stuff, so there's a chance of helping her out, and not getting sucked into the darkness too, kwim?
I'm going to handle my stuff, and trust she's wise enough, capable enough, competent enough to handle hers.
That
is
such
a
relief.
I can be OK, even when my loved ones are in pain.
That's new for me, in concrete practice.
Knowing something is different than practicing it.
Understanding how something is supposed to work is different than putting it in place.
I can't practice it UNLESS I calm myself down/get out of fight or flight mode. Learning how to do that is useful, and leads to feeling better. I thought about it as "hard" earlier, and T changed that into something more helpful, bc the body has no sense of humor, and takes thoughts on board, with gusto... implements them biologically.
I look forward to more ease in my life, from today forward.
I will mindfully choose the different resources, until they're second nature.
Tapping, before funeral last week, was immensely helpful.
I look forward to walking this part of my journey, with eyes on my journey.
It's a relief to stop making comparisons... to stop measuring myself in "successes" and things I've overcome, or will overcome.
Not thinking about it frees me up to actually be free.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I'm trying to work on not going into those dark places with someone else too, Lighter. Being close enough to understand and sympathize, but just outside the FEELING zone so, I can send the lifelines of light that are needed MORE, than me trying to assist carrying that wardrobe of burden up endless stairs.
It's OK if I don't get it right; I'm still learning, looking at it, and practicing.
lighter:
Yup. We practice trusting our loved ones will be strong enough to carry their burdens.
We stop short of experiencing their pain for them, and get a little distance on it.... and that feels wrong somehow.
BEING RIGHT THERE, in the moment, with them.... that's my default. Shouldering, willing them to feel better, and carry less.
That's not how it works, unfortunately.
We're stronger if we remain a tad distanced, and understand their pain. Not feel it with them, as you say.
Then we're more capable, stronger, able to act, and that's more helpful than being in the hole, IME.
T said tapping is super helpful for pain, btw. There are 8 points that are pretty easy to reach.
This too shall pass.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Right now, I'm having more success practicing this with Buck, than with the kids. I guess I need to just finally convince myself that at 40+ they either have acquired what they need to sort it out their own way... or they'll acquire the tools on their own.
But there are some new non-routine for me, things coming up with him that are objectively positive and stir up disquieted feelings of discomfort. I am going to have to learn how to ask for what I want; simply... without a lot of song & dance... because I'm really afraid to ask. (Old taboo I think)
lighter:
I tapped on a problem yesterday. Something that was vexing me during yardwork... had me mumbling to myself, and I just didn't want to do that anymore. I tapped on it, but noticed resistance to JUST DOING IT, without procrastinating. I felt better, and didn't think about the rest of the day, but..... reflection on the problem was still charged with a good deal of angst.
It's not routine to stop, tap, and move on.
Yet.
Notice, I resisted using the term "it's hard/difficult to remember/do it."
I changed it to something more positive.... "it will be my routine soon."
This morning I had my first Brain Center appointment, and learned a good deal.
First, my Alpha waves are supposed to be between 8 and 12.... 8 is sleeping, and 12 is very active. My brain waves were at 8, which wasn't surprising.
The biofeedback machine makes a noise when brain waves are where they're supposed to be, or heading in the right direction. Mine sounded like an electrical circuit cutting ON, OFF, ON, OFF. Just very add, but wonderful to imagine I have control... or will have control.
I really do feel my brain went into FAWN/FREEZE mode years ago, and I'm learning how to shake it off.
My brain has to work super hard to get simple tasks done. No surprises there.
Aside from vitamin D levels being super low, my thyroid is "sluggish." I have to go back to using the big muscles in the body, consistently, to build muscle.
I learned "tactical breathing" today. You breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 4, and breath out for 4 seconds. 4 4 4 breathing. Law enforcement/military use it in crisis situations. You do it several times when stress hits.
Much of the day going from one room to another, repeating tasks on a vibration machine, dealing with the vestibular system, while going through the alphabet for girl's names, then boy names, then for items to take on a picnic.... apple, banana, cat, dog, elephant, Frankenstein, geode, etc. Starting from the beginning each time a new one is added. It's interesting how difficult it is to do the names. I mean, at the end of the first round I had difficulty breathing AND was getting really dizzy... and finding names was sometimes impossible.
What else? The metronome featured big. They put a sensor on your dominant hand, and you clap to the cowbell. Responses are measured/recorded.
You want to hit it exactly on the beat, which lights up a green box on the screen. Yellow lights mean you're a tad slow or fast, and the red means you're slow or fast. Lots of anticipatory claps points to trouble controlling impulses. This is more difficult than you might think. Getting it exactly on the beat takes intense focus, and I'll be doing thousands over the next week.
There's an electrical shock treatment applied to the tongue. A PoNS (Portable Neuromodulation Stimulator) machine in other Countries has been approved for personal use. This machine was applied by the doctor, and felt like a ferry thumping my tongue with a little hammer. You expect stinging, or heat, but it's not like that. My heart rate immediately improved, and continued to improve with each use. I learned how to improve my oxygen levels. This machine taps into the brain stem, and I'm interested in the research.
I had to make crazy 8s with my hands, and feet, opposite sides of the body, at the same time. I think the martial arts background made that easy, bc I just did it w/o thinking. First with support, holding onto a wall, then without support. See if you can do it. Arm extended, palm up, then down at each end of the 8. Foot low to the ground, side to side.
Focusing vision on a dot, then moving my head a tad to the right and left, while counting each time head moved. Then up and down, while counting. Counting means we keep breathing, bc intense focus often shuts down breathing.
We went through these over and over, changing things up each time. Core strength was determined on a mat on the floor doing planks, balancing while lifting a hand, or a leg, or both.
There were more things, but those give you an idea.
Amber, you have habits with the kiddos that you don't have with Buck. Also, Buck's always been an adult in your life, where your children have been every stage of human, from infant to adult. That gets all mixed up, and frozen when there's trauma, IME. I really have to think about letting the kids handle their stuff. Today I oldest was driving, and I just kept my mouth shut entirely. Normally I give plenty of warning before turns, etc, but not today. DD mentioned how different it was that I was silent, while remembering where to turn. She said it was odd not having my voice there, reminding her.
I'm conflicted about that. I think I started naming colors and shapes for the girls when they were tiny, and just never stopped explaining/naming things for them. I understand what I did, what I've done, and what I want to change. There are positives and negatives, and I'm going to skip judgments, and just get to making the changes I want to manifest.
The ability to shift into observer mode is easier now.
Lighter
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