Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 10, 2019, 12:09:54 PM ---Ah, Lighter strikes again!
The Void between what is and what is now and what we want to be. It's easy to get a little too cozy in the Void, or what "is" now, and not move on to what we want to be. To be fearful of being "good enough" or "smart enough now" or having the "right stuff" to start changing - like we're cursed to be forever, what we adopted to survive. Those tools served their purpose and might not be helpful now, ya know? Maybe occasionally, but not all the time.
And when we're on the path to being something else, than what we've been, occasionally the old habits come back up. The only thing required at those times, is to acknowledge it - oh yeah, that again - and consciously choose to get back to the path. Fear is present too. Almost ALWAYS I deal with - "well, is this really the direction I want to go in?" - second-guessing myself. I'm afraid of getting myself trapped into something that isn't what it appeared to be. Despite the fact that I survived and "escaped" the first time.
But ya know what? IF that does happen, I can still change my mind and direction again.
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Skep, isn't that just it - you can change your mind and your direction. Doesn't matter if you've dedicated x number of months/years to a certain way of doing things - if you find it isn't working you can do it differently. What I'm liking now is that I feel I'm noticing and recognising things much sooner, and I'm more willing to acknowledge that x situation is looking like previous b situation and I can try to swerve and avoid ending up in the same place again. Little by little, isn't it? xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 09, 2019, 05:07:40 PM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on August 05, 2019, 02:06:22 AM ---Co-dependency is a huge issue for me, Lighter, and one I've had to work really hard at. I ordered the 3 books, used on Amazon, my T referred on Codependency. I do wonder how much of it stems, not just from childhood 'not being heard' stuff but also from society's, 'women must be nice and put other people first and be caring' kind of stuff as well. I agree, it's not all childhood stuff, Tupp. There's a lot of gender stuff, and societal expectations involved, IME. I've felt permission to speak is granted more easily when we're DOING for others, caring for others, volunteering our time, etc. It's certainly been a large part of my life, and I'm not sure how these next years are going to go. I can't imagine doing anything the same way. I think I'm done, and in that void between where I've been, and want to be. Everyone goes through this void. The void is familiar, even though I've traveled it at different times in my life, for different reasons. It's my turn, and yours, I guess. It will be interesting for you to see if anything in it resonates with you. I think it's particularly hard to know, especially with children or poorly people, how much is their genuine need for care and how much is us feeling obligated or compelled. FOG Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I'm sure these are huge motivating factors. There's identity, and purpose in caring for others, and those of us lacking boundaries, or watching others model them to any extent, don't know how to avoid the sunny side of control.... "helping." There's permission to speak, and permission to take up space when we're in certain positions, IME. I didn't have children to find identity, but I certainly found my voice advocating for them. The truth is, I'd rather turn around, disengage, and withdraw than advocate for myself.
I don't know, Tupp. There's the gender thing, and then there's the protecting our children from the real threat of Grandparents, and in my case, my childrens' father.... people who would have protected us and our children. That's a whole'nuther level of heinous fuckery, IME. Being attacked and flanked in ways we can't see coming, or protect against, with the systems that BE orchestrated against us too. I don't know what to say about that. It's clogging up our civil court system, which is on the brink anyway. That hardwires into the brain.... all of it. I'm positive I was more protective BECAUSE of the circumstances in our lives, same as you. And health problems with our children, something no one knows how to deal with, on top of it. I think we've done an amazing job, considering the waves we've surfed. We didn't drown. We kept popping back to the surface, getting our bearings, and soldiering on, and that's the thing...... I think we can stop soldiering. I think we can unhook those very useful alarm bells, and shift into calm waters..... carry those waters within us, and BE on that calm surface no matter what's going on around us.
Wouldn't it be amazing to barely register a letter or e mail from a source of stress? To just see it, and not experience a chemical dump we have to recover from? To dread no more. I think we can, and we're learning how right now.
I think we can only do healing work when we've got time. You wouldn't have been able to work with this T during all the court cases, you simply wouldn't have had the time. I know I would have benefitted from having access to chats with my T... if I could have calmed enough to hear her. I think she had answers to coping that I didn't understand, but needed in my life. My martial arts teacher tried to sit me down, and get me meditating, but that just made me frustrated and a bit angry at the word "meditation." I felt like there should be easier ways to teach, and share that information, and I guess everyone has different ways of learning. I'm not frustrated anymore bc I can SEE it now. I can touch it, and breath it and experience relief, and that's honestly the most refreshing thing. Sure, it would have been helpful 16 years ago, or 30, or 50, but ya know..... it is what it is, and I'm learning to do better NOW. I'm modeling better for my girls NOW. That's all that matters is now: )Then recovering, then home educating your girls, then sorting out your house, the beach house, the scary bits when the rellies have popped up again. Tools and knowing how to cope better would have been super helpful through all that, Tupp. There's a pattern of enduring, trying to rebuild, enduring, trying to rebuild. Yup, nad the unfortunate thing about enduing and surviving is learning how to endure and survive as our default setting. And then we're stuck. Surviving, and reacting to crisis.... all the time. And that's what our brains do daily, instead of recovering. I saw it happen. I felt it happen to me. I knew it was a terrible thing shutting my brain down, limiting the choices I had, and norrowing my scope.You wouldn't have been able to do this work with this T with all of that going on so - pat on the back for doing it now, no berating for not doing it sooner :) I wouldn't have, but I sure wish I had. It's funny that my girls learned about breathing from the brain doctor, with his statistics, and studies, and scientific avenue, rather than from a T. Both girls have been seeing Ts, and they haven't received THIS information, or understood it THIS way. This information is in the world, but it's undermined by Western medicine, and ignorant people. I think my girls hearing it from a doctor was a pretty good place to get it, IMO.
Exercise and kids, and boys in particular - yes, yes, yes. I personally think our education system is far too inactive - too much sitting around writing on bits of paper when they should be running and playing and doing. And then it impacts out of school - computer games, TV, social media. Out doing sport, running, walking - so much better xx I so agree with you there: )
(((Tupp))) How was your birthday? Did you see your friend?
Lighter
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I'm nodding, Lighter, always nodding lol :)
Birthday was nice; I did see my friend and really must focus on friends I have. Good friends on here, two good friends in real life, the one I saw on my birthday purposely booked their holiday so that they were in our area on my birthday and stayed later than they should have so that we could have lunch. The weather was awful and sensibly it would have been best for them to leave early and get home before the storm but they stayed and it took them three hours extra to get home again. I felt guilty and apologised - keeping in mind they have a son with severe learning disabilities so everything is harder for them to do - and my friend said, "You're worth it" which was just so lovely of her. So yes, I must shift my focus to my lovely friends who do keep in contact with me and not fret about the ones who don't.
Nodding through the rest of your post. I would do so much so differently if I knew back then what I know now. I'd pursue my dreams instead of letting other people tell me they were stupid and talk me out of them. If I'd known my son's father would be so awful and cause so many problems I'd never have told him about the pregnancy or anyone else for that matter. I'd have slipped off somewhere new, unknown to anyone and started afresh. I didn't have the confidence to do anything like that then, nor did I think I could cope on my own, plus I always felt very obliged to 'do the right thing'. I'd have avoided the system altogether, gone private for healthcare, got son a good nanny and carried on working. But none of that made sense back then, because I didn't know what I know now. Now, I can stop to think, is this good for me? Or do I just expect it/assume/is it easier for someone else. And I'm getting better at saying no and putting my own time first. Example - a friend messaged late last night wanting to meet Monday or Tuesday. I plan my month the day before the month starts - have to, it's the only way to manage son's health problems (and mine now as well). Workload is huge and I try to build in fun things and down time as well. Have explained this to people time and time again, have tried getting people to arrange meeting up in advance, to no avail. So I've had to say no to friend and it makes me feel guilty - but I have to tell myself she's a 54 year old woman and perfectly capable of organising her time more than a day in advance. So I'm trying to refocus the feelings so that hopefully, eventually, it won't cross my mind - I'll just say no and that will be it.
Yes, not registering any kind of stress from an email or letter. I was talking to the acupuncture guy about exactly this during the week. His view is that the way to work with it is to recognise it, accept it and break it down, working on calming the system as the mind won't calm if the adrenalin is flowing and the fight/flight responses are pumping hard. Slow breathing, calming exercise, run through possible scenarios and how likely they are. I jump from 'letter' to 'son taken into care' in less than the time it would take to open the envelope. Working on that.
Teaching the kids - we are teaching our kids better habits and better skills and, hopefully, giving them a lot less stress to deal with in the family home (less stress that we've had to deal with). So hopefully when tough times come their way they will be better equipped - not already overloaded with decades of trying to cope and not without healthy mechanisms (my mum's approach to problem solving is to drink to avoid it - it's all I did for years, it didn't even occur to me to try another way. I can remember a therapist suggesting to me that next time I went out I didn't have a drink - I thought she was completely mad).
We're getting there, Lighter - mindfully! :) xx xx
Hopalong:
With the tiniest of edits, could you send this message to that late-planning friend?
I plan my month the day before the month starts - I have to, it's the only way to manage son's health problems (and mine now as well). The workload is huge so I need to build in fun things and down time as well. I ask friends to arrange meeting up well in advance, but that's hard to remember. So I often have to say no, which is disappointing. I'd love to see you. Can you pick a date a few weeks away? I would so look forward to it! Please let me know.
It's just a good succinct summary of the issue, and there's nothing in it that would make anyone feel defensive, I think. Just honest, helpful, actionable info.
She could rise to the occasion or not, but she would have received it in writing. Just fantasizing that this might help. A text or email that spells it out....? If she's too oblivious to modify her behavior at ALL, well unhappily, it's info for you too then.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 12, 2019, 11:52:22 AM ---With the tiniest of edits, could you send this message to that late-planning friend?
I plan my month the day before the month starts - I have to, it's the only way to manage son's health problems (and mine now as well). The workload is huge so I need to build in fun things and down time as well. I ask friends to arrange meeting up well in advance, but that's hard to remember. So I often have to say no, which is disappointing. I'd love to see you. Can you pick a date a few weeks away? I would so look forward to it! Please let me know.
It's just a good succinct summary of the issue, and there's nothing in it that would make anyone feel defensive, I think. Just honest, helpful, actionable info.
She could rise to the occasion or not, but she would have received it in writing. Just fantasizing that this might help. A text or email that spells it out....? If she's too oblivious to modify her behavior at ALL, well unhappily, it's info for you too then.
Hugs
Hops
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Hopsie, I've explained the situation to everyone I know time and time again, face to face, on the phone, via text - it just falls on deaf ears. I'm just not willing to work so hard with people any more :) I've got friends who are capable of organising get togethers well in advance, or ones I keep in touch with here or by phone/text as they live further away and I'm putting my energy into that now :) People know where I am and they know the situation so they're welcome to get in touch if they want to but I'm not willing to chase any more :) xx xx
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---I'm not willing to chase any more
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Bravo! That makes perfect sense, that you've told everyone who'd listen. And those who can't/won't/don't listen deserve winnowing.
Good for you.
Hugs
Hops
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