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Mindfulness

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Hopalong:
I'm really glad you're going to a skilled well educated MD, Light.
Nothing to be scared about but I really feel good about you getting a top-notch standard medical workup.

I find myself cruising down alleyways online about health that in my rational, evidence-based mind, I know are not always wise. The cafeteria approach between Western, alternative, and special-secret-medical-guru info streams...seems wisest to me.

I just want you to be okay.

xxxooo
Hops

lighter:
I dreamed my oldest dd died last night.  I woke up feeling dreadful, and did a balance.  The awful feelings from the dream were gone, and I didn't think about the dream at all, except when I thought about doing the balance, and how it might have been connected to the headache I had a little later in the day.  I don't get headaches very often.  Hardly at all if not connected to my posture typically.

It's so easy to forget self care.  At every level.  Esp when care isn't just about flossing, and skin care, eating well.  When it's at every level, and it's mostly new, it's easy to slip back into old patterns and forget, esp when under duress.

And we don't just put new patterns in place, we add new things when we start feeling better, IME.

So that's a whole lot of NEW for brains struggling to put new coping strategies in place, iME.  Maybe reaching out, and adding new happy things, too soon, is just too much too soon?

I had an interesting night last night.  It wasn't always pleasant. It wasn't particularly fun.  It was stressful at times, and full of people who don't feel warm and fuzzy about me, more or less.  They, without fail, speak another language in front of me, when they could speak English. Since they understand that improving their English will help with job applications, and primary, and secondary schools I'm consistently baffled by their unwillingness to speak English at all in the home.  I don't take offense, though it's very distancing to be left out of every conversation we're not a part of.   I'd like to feel closer to them.  I'd like to have a warm fuzzy relationship.

I can't figure that out just now, and that's OK.  I can leave it where it is, and go back to what's mine to do and fix. I'm trying to release the situation with love.... trying to practice healthy boundaries.  I think healthy boundaries will bring about the best resolution possible.

What comes up lately is wasted time.  I'm not talking about doing things imperfectly, but about not spending enough time on the most important things.  This is about the past 12 years, still. 

I feel better when I can turn myself around, and face what's in front of me. 

I'm trying to do that, so it's confusing when I find myself turned BACK around, facing the opposite direction unexpectedly.  The thing is, I'm getting more familiar with both directions.  The present isn't so alien any more.  It's easier to find.  Easier to connect with.  It just comes and goes.

Getting spun back around is like flipping a switch, IME.  A photo, a word, a glance, a sound can flip the switch.  Getting startled, opening mail, facing a difficult project, or sink full of dishes.  It's difficult to figure out all the ties, and triggers, and fend them off.  Maybe it's just time to stop fending, and start facing.  I think fending things off just slows things down, and muddles the mission.

Oy.... I ate jalapenos today, so I'm rolling through hot flashes every few hours.  The peppers are absolutely a factor.

The journey continues.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
I'm sorry things are tough, Lighter, and kid dying dreams are the worst.  Horrible to have and although I think they're supposed to be more about them becoming adults (according to the dream analysis stuff, which I tend to believe in or dismiss as rubbish depending on what suits me) they're the kind of things that wake you up in a cold sweat and make you want to rush to their room to check on them.

What do you mean by wasted time, do you mean time you've been forced to spend on doing things that other people have created?  Instead of doing your own stuff?  That's the way I feel when I look back over the last sixteen years - constantly fighting the fires started by my mum and her team of cronies.  But I wasn't sure if that's what you were thinking of when you wrote it?

And yes, self care is hard, especially when combined with work, kids, home, pets, garden, money, paperwork, trying to figure out why x, y and z is happening, dealing with health problems, and so on and so on.  I keep telling myself now just do what you can Tup.  If you can have herbal tea instead of coffee, great.  If not, well okay.  If you can do yoga instead of eat crap in front of the telly, great.  If not, well okay.  I'm finding self care harder when my hormones are bonkers.  I seem to do okay with it for two weeks of the month and then it flies out of the window for the other two weeks.  I hope things level out a bit today and you can get a quieter sleep tonight xx

sKePTiKal:
Hmmm. When I have strong feelings about the past come up, I search around the void for new ideas/understandings about what happened and different ways to feel about it.

So, for instance - using a generality -

having a strong feeling about past trauma/abuse I am resisting the pattern of old emotions that go with it, and trying to sort it into a new narrative or story - new meanings behind events; new motivations for why people did things they did.

I strongly believe that I didn't always understand or react in the most objective way*, at the time; in the midst of the whirlwind... so I try to rewrite that story in my mind, with a different explanation. I do think, that things like this weren't a waste of time; or our lives. It was some very important lesson or challenge for us and it's real significance is that we should LEARN from it. Whatever it is we need to learn in this life.

*That said, it was incredibly important for me to regain my original feelings about what happened and that set of later choices, consequences, and decisions up to present day. I needed a continuity from past to present to be able to imagine future.

lighter:
Hi Tupp and Amber:

I'm sleeping well.  That's not a problem.  Re framing history is a good thing.   Recapturing feelings around it is necessary, as you say Amber.

I'm taking B12 and magnesium again.  It can't hurt.

OK!  So I did many balances last night after I got in bed.  Emotional balances, hormonal balances, brain integration balances.

One of the balances was around my left hip, which had me very out of sorts, as I've mentioned... painful.... had the feeling of a bone spur, sort of.  One place felt like it hitched, bone on bone.  Painful.

I did that balance, and didn't have the pain this morning that I noticed.  In fact, I just tidied up the house, felt a CRACK in that hip... where it's been painful, and was reminded I've had no pain, or reason to notice that hip today. 

I did balances around paperwork anxiety, and have my dest almost clear at this point. In other words, there was no anxiety around that chore this morning.  I just went upstairs and got busy DOING . Very cool.

What else... I've been taking B vitamins, and magnesium so that may be part of this, along with eating healthier... trying to eat one carb a week, though I'm not yet hitting that mark.   

I just got up and walked around to check again.... my hips is back!  Two days ago my left glute was fatigued after walking through a parking lot.... hip painful, throwing my torso forward to avoid pain, and that threw out other things. 

Wow. I'm very pleased to give that update. 

You just have no idea. WHOO HOO!

Lighter: )

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