Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness
Hopalong:
So glad that's working for you, Lighter.
You are so tuned in to your body and always have an approach to take.
I envy that.
I've been recently rediscovering anxiety symptoms. They're always a challenge for me as they're always chest based. Had them checked out on and off for years, but still find them scary. A sweeping "cold" sensation, shortness of breath, and sometimes pain. Usually fleeting. Always starts under right breast.
The cold feeling used to signal a panic attack, and thank god I haven't had one in many many years.
I don't know how to stop them except to lie there thinking, I am okay, I am okay. And because I've renewed exercise after several years of sedentariness, I am going to get a full checkup.
I think Ngent's death plus the church stuff plus national fears and the feeling that the gyre is picking up speed all coalesced.
I look back at the church stuff and feel I've jeopardized my feeling of belonging in the only extended family I've got. I found that the AARP has a new term: "elder orphan." An older person, living alone, who has no family. Very scary.
You have to build community IRL. And find your people, and at my age it's urgent to do a good job of it. You have to find a group to see repeatedly to form new and serious friendships. The whole "create a village" thing seems to almost be starting over for me.
I don't want to let go of my church community but my sense of confidence there is shaken. I'll find my way. But it's awkward to be a minority. One woman literally does a combo of shunning-nasty looks I haven't seen since middle school. Ugh.
Anyway, I think all of those things are reasons I am feeling vulnerable and anxious lately. I'm not giving up.
xo
Hops
lighter:
Hops:
I'm sorry you're experiencing scary physical pains, and anxiety/fears.
My left shoulder radiates pain down my arm when I'm under great duress. It started when I was driving to my lovely B's funeral out of State. I think we hit a bird, and the pain started, just like that.
Feeling cold happens when I'm shocky, or low on vitamin Bs.
I still plan on seeing a regular MD, but can't tell you how life changed with the hip not hurting me. I'm happy happy, and grateful. Creativity is flowing again. I figured out how girls will take bus to downtown stop, and walk half a mile to a tea house where they'll do homework till I pick them up after my classes, which end at 6.
This is a huge improvement over Ubering from the bus stop closer to our house. They get to stretch their legs, then kick off their shoes, sit on pillows on the floor, and sip amazing tea blends in low lighting while plugged in and focused on homework. It's very quiet, like a library. They've done this before, during music lessons. Their tiny raspberry tea cakes are gf, and astonishingly good, IMO.
I'll have to figure dinner out ahead of time, and classes start at 10am so will that shouldn't be a problem. Will cooke ahead, so we just need to heat up when we get home.
About cultivating 3D community, Hops. It scares me to think about that, and how I SHOULD be doing it, HAVE it, be working on it. I don't have a lot, I don't. I look forward to having lunch with the Episcopal Priest... she's drove cross country with her husband over the summer, and I've been gone for weeks, so lots of catching up to do. I really like her.
We share similar ideas about friendship. Getting out, for us, is refreshing. Not too often, but for many hours when we go, and we love the tea house to start, then move to lovely lunches, with a lovely glass of wine. We don't have to be guarded around each other. We can share things we wouldn't feel safe enough to share certain things with. She's wiggled her toes in my moss, shared tea, and mommy food in my home, and it wasn't weird. I guess I should stop expecting things to BE weird.
What we fear will find us.
Hops, what would happen if you could stop fearing, and put all your energy into curiosity over what comes next? I don't expect you to answer that, unless you want to, but I think about all the energy we give to fear, and feeling tense about things we can't change. I don't want to DO that anymore.
I want to do other things.
We can't change everything, but we can notice what we're capable of impacting, make a plan, and execute.
About that lady shooting you the stink eye... how does that make you feel? Is there anything you can do to change that? Being the minority, IMO, means the courage it too you to stand up, and do the right thing, was even more heroic. It always upset me deeply when someone from my church honked at me in traffic, or snarled in a fast food line. What the heck? Really? All those personalities in one BIG room make me feel uncomfortable. I prefer to sit alone in church, or go to smaller services at night, or in the afternoon.
A friend joined a group to find new same sex best friends, and community building. She has her first meeting coming up. I'll let you know how it goes. She's excited about it.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Sounds like we're all delving a little deeper than normal into some essence-topics lately, while trying to "remodel" our lives somewhat.
Hopalong:
Lighter, good questions.
Problem with anxiety (for me) is that I'm not intending to "give" fear space. And the nature of my symptoms when they occur (SOB, chest stuff) is such that I can't bull through it. When you can't breathe you can't go for a walk, etc. I just have to sleep, wait, distract. Did that the last couple days and I felt better this morning.
Stink-Eye Lady isn't important to me, really. I've just got my eye on that familiar old bullying vibe. I don't need much to do with her normally but it troubles me that she's wormed her way into so many leadership positions. I do prefer to remain in the heart of that community, just in activities that aren't minister-focused.
lighter:
Hops:
I can see that worry and fear rob me of joy, and my creative ability to problem solve, and figure out how to avoid what I'm worried about. It's just not easy to shift OUT of worry/fear mode.
I can tell when I've done it. It's odd that focusing on the fear or thing I'm fearful about isn't the thing that helps me get out of the spiral. It's the shift to focus on the physical place in my body where I feel the fear, and staying with that till the next thing comes up, and the next, and usually there's a tremendous relief in that moment. Sometimes that's enough.
I just can't always remember to do that, frankly. I certainly can't when I'm embroiled in escalating chaos I've brought down on my own head, as with the contractor debacle.
This goes back to ignoring the basics of healthy boundaries. I muddy the waters when I focus on secondary coping strategies I feel what? Should keep me from feeling the pain of an unwise decision, made to please someone else, when I sort of knew better, but agreed to keep the peace in the moment.
What did I expect, and I'm not as strong as I once was. I have hormonal issues, and age, and years of stress now.
It's the boundaries that have to come first, and I gain more by focusing on why I've resisted keeping healthy boundaries in place. Likely my parents' forcing compliance, and not gaining my cooperation. I never learned how to make my own decisions, for my own benefit. I was surrounded by parents and siblings with huge energy, and the need to control and win. I think I just withdrew, and adopted a "what do I care?" attitude that gave me a tremendous tolerance for chaos, and pain.
It's not serving me so well, and so I'll focus on boundaries, and why I don't always honor myself. It's so easy to honor others, and advocate for them, and protect them, but not myself. It's the running tape in my head. It's my default position, and I'm not always aware I slip back, esp when I'm under stress, and my tapes tend to put me in positions of stress, so....
BIG change is really hard.
And what if our parents didn't advocate for us, or give us voice, or if they abused us, or tried to destroy us? That internalized parental command, deep in our limbic systems, is still there, even if we aren't aware of it.
The LEAP Brain Integration protocol helped with the hip, and current fear/stress spiral. Like flipping a switch. It was the same with the bad dream. It shut down the negative emotions and recurring worry/thoughts surrounding it. ::snap::
I'll prioritize the internal tapes next, and see how that goes. It's curious bc it can be addressed for what it is... a specific thought/emotion/memory... or it can be addressed through other channels, or by several channels.
The journey continues, (sans the hunched over limp.)
Lighter
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