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Double Jeopardy; A; WTH is the matter with women. Q; What is Men, Alex?

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mudpuppy:
Hello everyone. Long time no see.
So I'm minding my own business at church last April and this very attractive blonde lets me know she's interested. Says she's been eyeballin me for two years but wasn't ready for a relationship til now. I ask her out. She lets me know she doesn't think she has time for a relationship because of her insane schedule; and she does work nutso hours. Has a masters in criminal psychology and therapy and is a marriage counselor.[shoulda been a red flag, sorry doc] We go out anyway on May 4th and hit it off instantly. Been divorced 4 years, I'm the first guy she's gone out with. I tell her I'm already falling in love with her on our first date. We have a pickanick for our second date and I tell her someday I'm going to ask her to marry me. She tells me some day she's going to say yes. We are perfectly matched and incredibly happy and fall completely in love. Several times she admits she's impressed I don't have a problem with her schedule. And I don't. As long as I have her heart whatever time she has is fine. We got more physical than we should have probably [well definitely] but she was an enthusiastic and quite competent participant. She's already calling her house "ours" and calls me her husband and I call her wife.
  So after 13 straight days on she finally gets a couple of days off just after the 4th of July. Her boss texts her if she can come in anyway. She groggily says yes and regrets it as soon as she did. No biggy to me. She then wonders how we might go about eloping or what sized wedding we should have, who should officiate etc. Obviously completely in love and serious. Goes into work gets stuck on the job overnight and doesn't get home til mid Saturday. That's ok. We go up to the mountains and then have dinner and watch a movie in the afternoon/evening. No problemo, but she's pooped and we don't fool around so like an infant I get my pout on as she falls asleep. I wake up pouty and she has to work a double so we don't get to go to church together. She texts me that afternoon and asks how my day is. I say I'm a little down and disappointed because of how the weekend worked out. She feels bad.
  Next day Monday I'm already feeling like a jerk so I want to go up and talk to her, but she says she needs her space and needs to think about things and that she doesn't think we have time for a relationship. We text over the week a little and then I go see her Friday. Suddenly issues that were perfectly fine are not but the only one that makes her cry is that she says she cares so much about me she doesn't want to hurt me because she doesn't have time for a relationship. I tell her the only thing that will hurt is if we don't have a relationship and that all I said was that I was a little disappointed and I was already over it and was being an idiot. She cries some more and tells me that's what her bipolar ex used to say to her all the time. We pray together and she asks God to take this pain from him away. A week later she breaks up via text with me anyway saying she doesn't want the stress of someone always waiting for her or trying to adjust to her schedule. I tell her I have never cared about her schedule but that I could never make her see it. My heart of course is broken into tiny bits.
 Talking about a wedding one day. Two days later ready to break up and the only intervening thing was me saying I was disappointed in the time we had together which just happens to push a button left there by her useless ex that I didn't know was there. But she now insists it was that our relationship was "heading in the wrong direction" is why we broke up.
   She obviously has a deep hurt that needs healing and that makes her scared to death to let anyone next to her heart so that when an actual commitment goes from fun and games to potential reality she runs off instead of working on things, which is pretty ironic for a marriage counselor, IMO.
 Why can't she just admit that she has this pain in there so it can get healed? She actually got mad at me when I happened to suggest that might be a plan.
 Why couldn't she have left me alone since my heart was somewhat less broken from my late wife than it is now from her?

sKePTiKal:
Oh wow. I'm sorry you went through this mudpuppy.   :(

I wish I could offer some brilliant insightful nugget of wisdom that would make all of this understandable. I'm not doing all that well, getting back into relationship again with someone so maybe I don't know as much as I thought I did. My D is processing all the feelings of the end of a longterm relationship so it's not like I don't get what's going on... I just can't explain it.

But I see one little thing in what you wrote that might be a clue. You'd have known about some of her buttons and what not to push accidentally, if you'd taken more time initially to talk through personal histories some. It does really help to know what kind of relationship experience a potential "partner in crime" has before getting in over your head.

lighter:
Hi Mud.

About this situation of yours......
What popped up for me was what could have been experienced as critical/whiney/hard to impossible to please, heading toward interpersonal terrorist land with a demanding partner AGAIN feeling.

Not that you are, but...it sounds like you hit the wrong chord and got lumped into that category.

I'm so sorry, but understand the dread and revulsion of being trapped in relationship where that's a factor.

The best you can do is back off, give plenty of space and show her you're not co dependant, needy, pushy, or anything she's afraid of.

Play it cool.  Be strong.  Be confident.  Maybe she'll calm down, and open up again.

Also....she didn't leave you alone at church, bc she wanted to get to know you.  She wants what you want...honest, loving companionship.

You're not a victim in this, imo.  You're a grown man moving fast into uncharted territory.  There's bound  to be hiccups. 

Relax.   

Breath.

Be confident.

Healthy people don't want to be responsible for other people's happiness.  They don't want to be interrogated, or sighed at over silly things.  They want adult interaction with an authentic other person sharing their truth....
I think.

Maybe.

Just give her space.  Let her come back to you.  If she does, know she has tender spots, and stear clear if them.  No one wants to be jerked around over small stuff.  No one wants to feel responsible for someone else's happiness.

No one wants to date a fragile, emotional,pouty person, esp if they're busy, with little time for themselves, ime.

Sorry your heart is hurting, but she may be back.  Chin up.  Be confident, and don't let her see you sulking.  Be kind, use humor, and stay aloof.

Be grateful for what you shared with her.  Gratitude is super special....maybe it's the key?_

I've missed you, btw!

Lighter

mudpuppy:
Hey lighter and sKeP,
Obviously I left out a lot in my description of 2+ months. Saw my counselor/therapist today and after listening to me describe things for an hour or so including the stuff I left out here he decided she's probably got some borderline tendencies. And after considering things I think he's got a pretty convincing argument.
Makes it a lot easier to understand and deal with, though he is obviously not diagnosing her. But as I look at the whole arc of the thing it explains an awful lot of the bewildering parts of it; bewilderment being a pretty common side effect of entering a borderline's orbit.
I still consider her a friend but if she does come back I'm getting some of that yellow caution tape for my heart.

mud

Hopalong:
I'm so sorry you're hurting, ((((Mud))).

For me the biggest red flag was on you both:

--- Quote ---I tell her I'm already falling in love with her on our first date. We have a pickanick for our second date and I tell her someday I'm going to ask her to marry me. She tells me some day she's going to say yes. We are perfectly matched and incredibly happy and fall completely in love.
--- End quote ---


Everything I've read, for many many years, says lightning strikes and (real) love at first sight (date) are rare, rare, rare. They're usually a combo of lust, loneliness, and imagination. Creative souls do this.

It's like--there's one solid silver marble in a swimming pool full of marbles. Of course you got it on your first dive!

Her schedule is secondary and diagnosing her borderline? I don't know.

But I would say with all my brain that it didn't sound like a reality-based start. You gave no time to build a foundation a life could grow on. Her panic is on her, your speed and pouting on you.

I'm so sorry. Doesn't matter why these things happen, they still hurt.

hugs
Hops

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