Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Double Jeopardy; A; WTH is the matter with women. Q; What is Men, Alex?

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mudpuppy:
I don't think I'm dismissing relevant info. I'm just not sure what it means. I can't assess it until I know more.
We broke up without me fully understanding what happened. That might be because she's a borderline and has done this before.
But it might also be because she was simply scared of being hurt again as she was before and ran away rather than try to work it out. If the latter then there's a good chance she is the love of my life; or the second one anyway.
I'm encouraged that she hasn't displayed any other typical borderline behavior and has a great reputation with people who know her.
I'm worried that she broke us up over what seemed like very little and seemed to look for reasons to justify it including some that weren't too accurate.
If we come back together in a few months I will at least now be on my guard and will not walk goofily into a buzzsaw like Gomer Pyle, as I did last time. Nor will I have unrealistic expectations as I did.

mud

Hopalong:
Some of the toughest experiences I've ever had have been rejection without me fully understanding it. While humbly acknowledging my imperfections, I always based it more on some confusion about the other's behavior or thought processes or damage (which Only I could heal), etc etc etc...

I think it's because I truly believed if they had a convincing ARGUMENT (logic that would satisfy me) for why Not Me, then I'd find the rejection easier to accept and could let go of the feeling that there would be an Act 2.

Later, I came to believe that acceptance (whether I fully understood the Whys or not) was what would be healthier for my emotional and spiritual growth. I had felt ENTITLED to an explanation or justification from the object of my love that would satisfy me and soothe my excruciating rumination. I wasn't.

When I finally got it, it helped more than I can explain. I am so grateful I ran across the following at a time when I could be receptive to it:

It's always okay to ask the universe for what you want, as long as you release the outcome.

Not perfectly, and not every time, but "release the outcome" has saved me a lot of suffering and was actually an opening in the hedge onto the path of self love. It's not compassion for self that keeps one attached to something outside of our control. It's self torture.

She loved you. And then she didn't. It's painful as hell and it was the outcome.

I wish you a lot of healing, Mud. I hate hearing your hurt and I've been there. More than once. Later in my life, I stopped doing that. And friendships got happier and my expectations for relationships less intense. "Less intense" eventually turned into a positive for me, when for decades, white-hot romance had been my goal. Now I just think, white-hot burns. 

xxoo
Hops

mudpuppy:
I mean this in the nicest way but why do we so often try to extrapolate our experiences to others? Especially when we don't know one of the parties at all and the other only through the innertubes?
I don't know what the outcome is because I don't think we're done. I could be wrong and acknowledge that, but I actually experienced the relationship. How do people who didn't, know what the outcome is or that there is already an outcome?
A desire to help and be supportive is extremely admirable but I'm not sure assessments based on our own experiences are either.
I don't even know that she loved me and then didn't. While we were breaking up she said she still did. I suspect she still might but her fear dominates her love because fear and withdrawal equals safety whereas acting on her love equals risk and the possibility of being hurt.
I know a not insignificant number of people happily married who by the standards I've heard expressed here should have moved on after they broke up the first or second time or decided they didn't love each other or weren't right for each other.
I don't know what the future holds. That's what makes it exciting.

mud

Hopalong:
Probably because I over-identify with your stories, Mud.

Doesn't mean I know you or her or you-two or anything, really.

No offense intended, and I hope your excitement becomes contentment.
You deserve it.

love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, mud... I think you've settled this issue about as well as can be expected - without shutting the door on the possibility of a relationship in the future.

I'm guilty as charged, for self-referencing my experience a lot. It seems to me, to be a softer way of suggesting a helpful idea or empathy with someone going through something. Female conditioning, perhaps (old school style). But I've also seen this backfire with fireworks and become an obstacle too.

In particular, I had to keep that tendency on a really short leash with my D and witnessing her process her "break up blues". She has no inhibitions about telling me to stick that **** where the sun don't shine! LOL. I guess that's one of the reasons we mostly get along pretty well with each other, she and I. I don't take offense, recognize my transgression, and we move on... and the opposite is also true.

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