Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Fall Stuff
lighter:
Hops:
I bet pooch will be just fine, and think of the reunion when you get back! SO MUCH HAPPINESS.
My best friends were in their 80's, till they passed, so I get the value in fellowship with the elderly. Watching friend H suffer, in the end, was agonizing for us both. I don't think I'm as brave as you om that regard. You're a very special person, Hops.
Here's to your trip, and working downtown for increased pay. I look forward to the stories.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Have fun at the beach Hops! Eat lots of good seafood - oysters are in season now, they'll be especially good.
It sounds like you're doing just fine, expanding your horizons and discovering new things.
Hopalong:
Welp, didn't quite go as planned, but all is well after a tough time.
The day I was to leave was Ngent's memorial. I always dread packing even for simple trips (ADD nightmare) and had put it off. Thus I'd have to rush from the church back home and tear off because I was on the "dinner team" at the beach. Long story short, something got to me in the service (lovely, moving) and I started shaking in the pew. Strange. Then after brief visit to his friends at reception, I dashed off on errands, feeling not normal. Walking from my car to library (for books on tape) my heart kicked into very very hard tachycardia, chest pressure, etc. Sat in library massaging carotid for a while and it eventually slowed, but I had that utterly drained, sick-all-over, SOBreath panic attack feeling.
I knew it was 90% more likely a panic attack than anything cardiac, but the fear is real. Given my age, my family history...I was anxious enough to consider going to the ER. But since earlier in life I'd had a lot of panic attacks and really thought this was one, I was reluctant to go and get all tied up with tests and possible admission, etc.
Called my retired social worker friend who offered to come over, and she just let m vent it all out for a couple of hours. I calmed, felt better, and realized I'd be okay.
What I pieced together afterward was that over the last few months there'd been a whole collection of emotionally very taxing things:
Church drama/conflict came to a peak. Shift in emotional safety there since being in the open with how I feel.
Large beach group (church, 12 women) was making me anxious, as groups of women (not here!) often do. Old old old bruises from pecking order stuff early on.
Ngent -- moving, crises, moving again, falls/breaks bones, dies. Stressful service planning; service itself. Moving, stressful. Avoided minister. Started shaking near end of service.
Kavanaugh hearings, obsessive reading of all the coverage. Primal fear/
disappointment. Nobody I know wants to talk about depths of feminist feeling.
Estranged only child birthday two days before.
Need to start new push for more income. Uncertainty.
Two novel workshops; sense that it’s now or never adds tension. MUST = fear.
Loneliness. Winter coming. Hating living alone. Fears of aging/dying alone.
That's it, but evidently it was enough. I've been struggling with feelings about my dear T, as well. He in no way intends to do this, because it's likely me projecting something. But I sometimes find that I imagine, because he's so practical and focused, that he's always looking for signs that I'm functioning better, and I react as though I'm being "prodded". I don't think he means to prod, he's just asking. But in some deeper inner battle, I have a cycle of feeling shame, reluctance to explain (again and again) how difficult some life organization and planning and producing are for me. He is kind and compassionate but I think perhaps he doesn't get some things that I feel persistently STUCK about. He's probably frustrated too.
So I haven't left him, but I have searched out a female therapist who uses a method that involves deep empathy, emotional presence, lots of emotional processing. T and I have normally just talked a ton, but there's been little transference, I think is the right term. All I know is after many many years during which seeing him was my refuge, safe place, and comfort zone...I'm coming to be more frustrated with (despite the good relationship with him) the process. I am sick of being stuck. I've told him things like, I'd like to go deeper with this than talking about practical techniques to deal with distractability. I think I need to deal with emotional, even spiritual, losses and realities. He tries to ask deeper questions but I think it's just not who he is. He is a behaviorist, extremely practical, and though I love him dearly, it may be time for me to move on.
Of course, that's another stressful change that could produce NEW anxiety. And that I do not need. At all. So...I'm hoping I could somehow get away with adding her, even once or twice a month, and cutting the number of sessions with him in half. I doubt insurance will allow that.
She's going to call me back to set up an initial appointment to talk about it. May not have a regular opening for a new client until Nov. or Dec., which is fine by me.
----------------
So....where is everybody? I haven't posted because I thought I'd be away (I didn't go to the beach after the attack, just couldn't face the drive alone and had to retreat and rest. Coming out of it now.) And I see that nobody's been posting.
I hope that means everyone is well and calm and enjoying early fall. I missed you.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Oh Hops, I'm sorry you had such a scare. I've had a lot of that chest pain/panic attack stuff myself and it's very frightening and unpleasant to deal with. The list of things you've had to manage over the last few months is a long one so it's no surprise that something happened because of that, but that doesn't make it less scary to manage. In some ways when things happen because of emotional situations rather than actual physical health it can be harder to manage - a physical problem can often be fixed or helped with a prescription but emotional stuff is way more complicated. Can you/will you have a general check up with the doctor just to dot i's and cross t's? Although it does make it another thing to add to the to do list, which can add to the stress!
Changing T's may well be a good thing, Hops, I think sometimes you just get to a different point and need a different technique or approach. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can be a good thing as well; it just shakes things up a bit and gives us a chance to come at something from a different angle. I hope you can sort the insurance out so you can do half and half for a little while :)
The board has been quiet; personally I have felt a little bit 'posted out' so have been popping in to see what's going on but not writing much myself (have been writing a lot offline). Autumn is beautiful here at the minute; we've had some gorgeous sunny days and the sunrises at the moment are stunning :) Glad to see you back and I hope the panic attacks keep to themselves now xx
Hopalong:
Thank you, ((((Tupp))))!
Now I can take one other anxiety off my list, that everybody on VESMB suddenly disappeared, never to be heard from again! :?
I love thinking about you being so near the ocean and enjoying those gorgeous dawns and twilights. You actually did it. You made it. You are there.
I bet living near the ocean changes things in body and mind in a lovely way. Though watching what just happened in Florida with a Cat. 5 is sobering. Is where you are UPHILL from the water?
I am still a little sobered and you're right, I should make a dr. appt. Just to have him give it a listen. Thanks for the reminder. This was for me a Cat. 4 anxiety attack and I'd love to never have another. It'd been years, despite everything. Was sorry to break the streak.
But all is well. Going to a small art opening at a winery later today with the kind folks I work for. Just as a friend. So I'm touched that the wife has reached out.
Hope you're doing better and that keeps on...BTW, this is the type of therapy the potential new T practices. When I read the site and watched the founder's video, I thought: that is what I'm missing. www.aedpinstitute.org
love
Hops
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