Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Fall Stuff
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on October 12, 2018, 09:56:56 AM ---Thank you, ((((Tupp))))!
Now I can take one other anxiety off my list, that everybody on VESMB suddenly disappeared, never to be heard from again! :?
I love thinking about you being so near the ocean and enjoying those gorgeous dawns and twilights. You actually did it. You made it. You are there.
I bet living near the ocean changes things in body and mind in a lovely way. Though watching what just happened in Florida with a Cat. 5 is sobering. Is where you are UPHILL from the water?
I am still a little sobered and you're right, I should make a dr. appt. Just to have him give it a listen. Thanks for the reminder. This was for me a Cat. 4 anxiety attack and I'd love to never have another. It'd been years, despite everything. Was sorry to break the streak.
But all is well. Going to a small art opening at a winery later today with the kind folks I work for. Just as a friend. So I'm touched that the wife has reached out.
Hope you're doing better and that keeps on...BTW, this is the type of therapy the potential new T practices. When I read the site and watched the founder's video, I thought: that is what I'm missing. www.aedpinstitute.org
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Lol, yes, I would be completely lost without the forum! It's been quiet, I've been processing a lot and it's good but tiring so I've been checking in but not much else. We are a very long way from both the sea and the river in terms of flood problems, and uphill from both as well so no worries for us on that front but yes, I find being near water so soothing and calming. This time of year is great as the holiday makers and warm weather surfers have packed up for the year (too cold now) so the only people out are the real surfing fanatics that go out whatever the weather. I just love being around people that have a passion for something.
The art event sounds lovely, I hope you enjoy that :) And yes, a quick check up with the doctor, just to be on the safe side. Those panic attacks are very unpleasant to deal with so I hope this one was just a blip and you won't be troubled again. I will have a look at that website later; I'm glad you've found someone that has lit that light for you xx xx
sKePTiKal:
Sorry you felt the lack of posts here, Hops! I've been on the road (and not reading) a LOT, and not doing much of anything online the past week. We got in last night and have just about got "the trip" stuff cleaned up... and almost back into our "regularly scheduled programming".
That therapy sounds as if it would be VERY beneficial for you Hops. (And it holds some attraction for me, too.) Panic attacks are really awful things to go through. Not unusual, though. My HS BFF was telling me on this trip, that she just had one - again - after many years free of them, due to losing her Dad. I've had my share... and other more "meltdown" type things.
My brother insisted I visit his new house (almost an hour from our meeting location) and of course, my Mom is there. Maybe you remember my last face to face with my Mom... LOL. I didn't want to; have enough on my plate with the next generation mother-daughter stuff. But I got talked into it anyway. It WAS fun to talk to my brother now. His divorce and his years of counseling have had a real positive impact on his interpersonal functionality.
I'd gotten a voicemail while following brother to his house and didn't hear the phone; expected it to be him about lunch locations. I didn't check it till later and it was my mom, complaining because I didn't let her know I was going up there; hysterically claiming she was going to move out - somewhere - at 85 and multiple health problems; and basically embodying the "negative person stereotype". It doesn't affect me much anymore, but I took a tongue-lashing from the D about my not wanting to see my mom... and how I needed to get past it and find other ways to deal with her. She isn't entirely "wrong" about her observations... but she's not entirely "right" either.
And I've been unwilling to even think about it or look at it while on the road.
Hope you're enjoying this gorgeous fall weather Hops! It's a great day for a walk.
Hopalong:
No apologies, Amber! 8)
It's no problem, this here's all optional, ain't it? (Just picture a big-eyed waif painted by the weird big-eyed-waif-painting-lady-whose-husband-claimed-credit, clutching a laptop while looking out terrified at a post-apocalyptic landscape...)
Ahhh, now I feel better.
Happy to hear from you but really sorry about the family things, esp your mother. I noticed (forgive, it's compulsive) that you used passive voice three times in describing all of that, and it it me that maybe that reflected a little piece of residual helplessness that her toxicity injects. (Bro insisted, got talked into, received a tongue lashing...). I was picturing you saying I choose NOT to x or y, I am LEAVING this convo for a bit... But then saw it as more a bit of frozen helplessness.
I know. That's not an (((((Amber))))) word. But we all still have that vulnerable inner child, and I could see her getting buffeted a bit. I know, know, know, you will regain your feet in the wise and deep-thoughtful way you always do. Don't ever let the "one step back" make you forget your math, okay?
I do feel better, though my chest is still tight and I know the old Big A[nx] is back to wrestle with. I have a doc appt Weds to check ticker and discuss maybe, one, short-term, round of something Rx.... If it's typical, I'll suggest or he'll offer (I'm thinking buproprion) and I'll get the Rx, take it once or twice and quit. I just hate brain meds. But if the Big A is back for a long round... I'll try to be sensible.
Going out yesterday another wave, felt faint by the car and heart pounded again. I tend to get a bit almost agoraphoby when the Big A hits, it's just hard to deal publicly. Chit chat while managing even mild Anx is nearly impossible. Went to the art gallery thing and fortunately it was in a gorgeous mountain setting, small crowd, and lovely friend/employer artist was just happy to see me, as was her dear hubs. So I did a wine tasting (self medicating much?) and got through it okay. Felt instantly better once home and back in the escape pod (bed with laptop).
Sigh. One day at a time.
The big thing for me with the Big A is that when one is over-sensing/fearing own heart, it's tough to take a vigorous walk. Still doing walks with my friend every Weds but need to amp that up. Another question for doc, is there a supervised PREVENTIVE rather than rehab kind of exercise program? Probably so. I just hate gyms and it's hard to explain both the trigger-back AND the Big A to a busy trainer who's just into getting everyone leaping about.
End of whine.
You're right, it's beautiful out. :?
Lots of love,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hops, as I understand "stuff" - walking is the preventative and it's low-impact enough to not cause other issues, as a result. Maybe it's time to increase distance a bit? or add in a hill? You want to get your heart rate up - MODERATELY and repeat often - to be "aerobic". So that you're not overdoing it, or going past your body's need to "rest & recover"... before getting the heart rate up again. Small time frames to start - 2 mins, 5 mins, 10 mins, 15... This is how one builds muscle, gets stronger and increases stamina without over-exerting yourself.
Hol & I both know - for us - that the best anti-anxiety Rx is physical activity. Pick a kind - any kind! There is something about "being centered in your body", even for a limited amount of time, that counteracts the jangly oversensitive sympathetic nervous system... by engaging the parasympathetic system. My downfall is being too head-centered, more often than not. (Could be an ego-thing too.)
Hol & I are month 3 of trying to live together (with a month off for her road trip) and it's going pretty well, all things considered. But it certainly made the visit to my mom more complicated - due to her observations and way of expressing them - for me. I think we sorted it all out.
Hopalong:
Thanks (((((Amber)))).
I do know how exercise works (I used to write books for the biggest consumer health publisher in the US and interviewed top medical experts for years--plus reading about health and nutrition constantly, still do). It's not lack of knowledge, it's that the big A causes something like mild agorophobia, plus an irrational fear of exercising alone. I hate and feel ashamed of that and know it's irrational, but...it is what it is. If the tachycardia kicks in when I'm alone blocks from home, and I faint as a result, would feel pretty awful. So that's why I'm hoping there may be a *supervised* (hence, with expert help and company) preventive cardiac exercise program I can afford. Will ask the doc Weds.
I know you and H can work things through. I think I was reacting to a mild sense that you sounded mildly muted. Amber muted? Made me over-reach in advice! 'Cause I love you. (And, non-objectively, 'cause I have a distorted fear of family.)
Happier note? Got a kind and intelligent reply on the find-a-geezer website from a man only two hours away. Hmm. I've ignored that site for months, but as the cold and dark return, this seems to be a time I'm more willing to submit to the incredible tedium of wading through messages, fending off the automated inquiries, and sifting for the gents who are willing to actually compose a sentence or two, instead of the click-one-button to tell her: Wanna Chat? Like Yer Pic! Feel Free to Send Me a Message (since I'm not going to bother to write you one...) kind of thing. He did and I'm pleased. And after ignoring my Inbox there for months I did find a few reasonable and sane and pleasant overtures. Amid the "here's a cool selfie of me in my bathroom" ones that just kind of break my heart for them.
Maybe THIS time....? Or not. But it felt like a good thing to do today.
Back in the saddle tomorrow with car inspection, a T visit (same T, haven't seen the possible new one yet), library (bit of a walk there), grocery shop, and my young pal (30s, old office-mate art director guy who likes to share his life-stuff, which I just love hearing) coming by for a beer in the evening. Coming back to life.
xxxooo
Hops
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