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Writing Life
Hopalong:
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to report some good news that has a lot of significant ripples for me. Early days, but it feels important.
I had a deadline for my novel workshop. In the weeks prior, I avoided my revisions like mad, telling myself it was just the usual (and typical) ADD procrastination, and continued to practice my escapist repertoire. As the deadline approached, anxiety mounted.
Nothing weird about that, deadlines always have produced that put-it-off-until-last-minute pattern, which produces a bunch of adrenalin, which itself serves as a brain stimulant, which ultimately helps me focus on the task and get it done. But, usually..get it partway done. And not as well as I realize the next day on re-reading, I could have done. It's still pretty good. I'm giving a short reading tonight. I haven't lost my confidence in my word-working. But the pattern has held me back from focusing in a SUSTAINED way, which a novel inherently requires. Not poetry, which I've done pretty successfully my whole adult life.
So what happened this time, I later pieced together with my T, is that because I wanted the goal this time so strongly, AND I was not writing for career, a boss, or a publication I don't care about...I approached this anxiety a little differently, was more willing to sit and actually ponder its significance (and now, unlike a few years ago, I had the time to be more reflective about it).
The result was a realization that: 1) yes, anxiety is generally related to ADD, but... 2) I have separate and distinct anxiety about writing fiction. So I was scared of the revisions process because of its complexity and because I don't have years of practice with fiction... AND 3) I want to write this in such a deep way that it's almost harder to do it, because it has huge meaning for me.
But I did it. The revisions are still draft but they're smart and fun to read and enhance the characters and the MOST important thing .. once I started I felt the joy again. Joy of writing. All of a sudden I was experiencing a new reality, yes I CAN write a novel! (My workshop instructor has made it clear she believes in me, but I was failing to believe in myself.)
It's still scary at times, but it's also thrilling. I have told my T about depression/grief for years..."I have lost interest in my own life." All of a sudden, I feel as though it's back. And writing this novel, and figuring out why I was scared...this episode of anxiety symptoms went away overnight. There's some drive I just had a spurt of that I'd lost for a very long time. It's partly related to age. I'll be seventy in a year and a half. If I don't write this novel NOW, while I have enough wits and health to do it, then the truth is I will not write it. And that's what a lot of the anxiety was about. I can avoid things the rest of my life if I choose to, but this particular thing has beauty and meaning and joy in it for me. And deep below my neuroses, I want this thing profoundly. More than a mate, more than beauty, more than...anything else. It was good to connect it all up.
I'm not expecting that anxiety symptoms will never return. It just means so much to me to have excavated WHY this particular fear was different than other fears (because it was about something that's at the core of my reason for living), and then to experience the relief of working through it.
Dunno if all that's very clear but wanted to share it. Also figured it'd be good to have a thread where I can talk about my writing life now and then.
Thanks for reading!
love
Hops
Hopalong:
Tonight I gave my first-ever public reading of my fiction. (The first section of the first chapter of my first novel.) I was nervous as I was first after intermission, but they had wine during the break!
It went really well. The audience was supportive and listened, laughed in several spots which made me purr, and burst out in applause when I finished even though they'd been instructed to hold it until all readers were done. One sweet friend from my Covenant Group came too and seemed to enjoy it. So I am feeling massive, massive relief.
One paragraph at a time.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, that all sounds so amazing. I'm so glad that you've been able to get through that anxiety stumbling block and do it anyway, and that you've found so much joy in it as well :) And to be reading it out loud, to actual people - who loved it! That is just incredible news. I hope you are walking on air today :) xx
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp. It really was heartwarming and encouraging, big time.
I've given probably fifty public poetry readings over the years, taught on public TV, given lay sermons, other talks.
But I'd never done an official public reading of fiction. It feels good to break through something like that at my age. Made me want to commit to keep going. If I'm doing that, no matter what else, I'll be fulfilling my life purpose.
I'd thought that was maybe gone for good.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on November 14, 2018, 10:02:43 AM ---Thanks, Tupp. It really was heartwarming and encouraging, big time.
I've given probably fifty public poetry readings over the years, taught on public TV, given lay sermons, other talks.
But I'd never done an official public reading of fiction. It feels good to break through something like that at my age. Made me want to commit to keep going. If I'm doing that, no matter what else, I'll be fulfilling my life purpose.
I'd thought that was maybe gone for good.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
I'm really glad it has given you that bit of oomph :) Do you have any notion why you find prose much more anxiety producing than poetry? Just curious xx
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