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Tough 9 months for the Lighter family- bit of a ramble

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lighter:
My father passed, and both Siblings experiencing recent health issues.  One gallbladder, the other renal distress.  Of course I'm knee deep in need.  Needing them to make better choices, etc.  I try to surrender into acceptance, but I'm not very consistent with it.

I have a few paperwork issues to focus on, and finish.  I'm surprised at the low stress level around them.  I should care more, but don't.  In some ways it's a good thing.  In others, it's probably not.  I think less care = improved mental health.  More distance from old reactive patterns.  My office is in pretty good shape.  Never better.  Will see how this goes.... I recognize self sabotage in the paperwork.  It's a significant reality for my.  It needs attention.

I can't put my finger on the health scare feelings.  Fear we're all 3 crumbling.  It's irrational, but it sometimes feels like we're ending, bc our parents are gone, and the story doesn't know where to go, on an emotional level.  It doesn't make sense, but pops up now and again. 

There are reckonings on the way, is another "feeling." What have our coping strategies done to us?  Honest self reflection is necessary, but so so hard.  We all cope in such different ways. 

And.... I feel like I'm on an edge.  Like something is going to pop up for me, though my coping strategies are more about shutting down, and isolating.  They used to be about hard physical activity...for years, so I'm also feeling like relatively healthy habits....no soft drinks, dependence on junk food/chemicals, will safeguard my health to a certain degree.  I just went to dentist.  I really feel brushing with baking soda at bedtime is helpful.  Things are holding their own.  If dental and gut health are important to immune systems, I feel pretty sturdy about mine, when pulling myself out of a spiral of worry. 

I realize I'm conflicted, and should hunker down and take really good care of myself, and responsibilities.  THAT'S the right path.  That should be where my focus cgies when I'm conflicted, and worrying in many directions.  I'm paying attention to the feelings, and impulses.  Trying to come back to center when worrying about things I can't control. Whew.  Circular, but necessary.  I think I'm a fairly simple creature, easily made dizzy by other people's complexities.  Maybe.

I remember posting about making peace with the decisions my family members make, and I feel like I can see what's coming, speak my piece, am dismissed always, then what I feared happens, and that's always going to be frustrating, imo.  It's pretty much truth. 

People are funny.  Set in their ways.  I am too, and I see some negative patterns I'm addressing....need to address.  My time is better spent talking to someone who listens.  Me.

There's something about not being heard, when in what feels is a very dire situation.  I can see how my needing to be understood, and helpful is one of my coping strategies as I move through this.

I wonder how much of this pattern, of not being heard, is my part.  Do aI set that up?  Am I comfortable there?

Decidedly NO.  No comfort there, but I have the feeling that self care will lead to improved ability to be heard, which makes sense

People don't like to be convinced or told what to do/ believe/give up/replace, or how to begin.

They want to come to their own conclusions, and part of being heard is removing expectation when we share. 

I struggle with that, more in situations involving fear.

The medical study is a double edged sword for me.  I NEED it.  To be able to heal and help.  Not being able to blink and make it so ......learning takes time, practicing takes time and it's toll, bc of the not being heard stuff.  I struggle to keep my head above water, meaning keep it positive, where my feet ARE, etc. 

That's a big one.  Rooting myself in the moment is finding the zone.  How easy is it to drop it, and stray comes and goes, depending on the day/what's going on around me, and staying in the zone comes with blowback guilt/shame reactivity.  Lessons we see again and again can be so stubborn getting through.

Lord, I do get so tired of myself.

Ales, I feel your thread has me reflecting on my year, and I thank you for sharing if you get this far.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Lighter,
I'm responding to this difficult parabola with a sympathetic memory.

I remember that in the aftermath of an overwhelming decade of family meltdown and stress and loss I felt literally like a hyper-vigilant organism who expected things to change, but who because of recent experience, in the strange logic of emotion expected it NOT to be good.

It has been a monumental effort to try to find some kind of stasis that did not involve fear, simmering anxiety, constant tension over anticipated even if undefined threat, and so forth.

I swear, there's civilian PTSD.

May 2019 prove us all the more relaxed recipients of good things happening. Can we imagine that? I can, a few minutes a day...

love,
Hops

lighter:
I did a balance today... had to.  I'm just so sick of myself feeling flat. 

Sick of caring that others don't get my intentions, and whatever.

I so want to not notice, or care.

On the upside, I'm very busy, and might have the paper work problem under control.  It's as big a nightmare as I thought it would be AND there's another law firm involved.  I have to say, the attorney is shocked that I have all this paperwork, and can't get the problem taken care of WITH the management company.  Something about Miami management groups.  They're difficult to get hold of.  They pass the buck.  They don't want to get involved in their job, or problem solve problems they create.  Maddening, but I shouldn't be surprised.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Yikers.
Your life is complex enough to involve lots of bureaucracy interaction.
That's hard. I bet extra hard for you.

Maybe for me, involuntary simplicity has its bright sides.

(Back to watching Tiny House videos...Minimalism videos...etc. So peaceful.)

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
I really like tiny houses too, Hops. 

Did you see the little trailer house, in Japan, with the two ladies living in it?  Utilitarian, and so beautiful!

I'm tying up loose ends before Christmas break in Canada begins tomorrow.  For some reason, days of eating healthy salads turned into a morning of self sabotage gobbling dark chocolate covered caramels sprinkled with sea salt and cashews.

And a perfect cup of whole milk laden coffee.

I really miss milk.

Lighter

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