Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
Thanks ladies. It's an injury received years ago, when he volunteered for a combat mission. Spine; similar to what Ronnie's gone thru.
Fingers still crossed, he's steadily improved and it will still be 2 weeks before the incisions heal, assuming he doesn't spring new leaks. Getting released some time today. Now to convince him not to overdo it too soon. Everyone else, who's right around him, will have the same mindset too.
If he's lucky, this will be the last time for surgery with these devices that a)stimulate his nerves and keeps him mobile without a wheelchair and b) provides a mask from the pain involved. Hopefully the infection is permanently kicked or at least managable now. Ft. Bragg is handling that part.
When you're stuck in a hospital bed (and finally cognizant) there's not much to do but think. And talk.
Even if neither one of us types that well on phones. We've covered an awful lot of ground in the past 7 days. And this is so serious - not just entertainment - that I had a lot of old Mikey stuff come up to deal with. None of it is relevant here, but the fact I hadn't finished with it. Thought I had years yet to do the last bits. Surprise. LOL... so I made short work of that, but THOROUGH work, considering that Buck is a walking bionic man and will forever more require more medical attention than average. He has over 4,000 pages of medical history.
I had to let Mike take whatever anger & frustration & bitterness I still have for the things he left behind for me to deal with... (not so much material items, but artifacts of our relationship) and take back; reclaim my love to give elsewhere. And let Mike go completely. It's been 4 years; longer if we count the time he withdrew from me. And during that time, when things got to be too much for me or threatened to go completely crazy, Buck was there. Carefully navigating the minefields of being supportive of me, without assuming anything. Years. So I returned that favor this week. The minefields I'm used to, aren't any less dangerous than the ones he knows.
We're square now. We can just walk away knowing we each did the other a good deed. But that's not at all what is going to happen. He has plenty to deal with himself, and prior commitments to finish up. And I don't get to plan anything all by myself anymore. And I don't have to fantasize either. So, whole new journey. Still taking it one step at a time.
Who knew I was getting this good at jumping off cliffs? LOL, I know someone's waiting to catch me maybe that's the difference.
lighter:
Buck was there for you, and now you're there for him. That's a very touching connection, Amber. You get to know someone, in a different way, in those moments, IME.
You sound level, brave, and ready for what comes next, IMO.
::sending Buck patience, and healing pink light::.
I'm guessing his military training, and experiences will carry him through the frustration of waiting, and healing. I'm also guessing he'll have PT in place pretty quick.
Lighter
Hopalong:
You don't take on the easy stuff, do you, ((((((Amber)))))).
This is a painful road with a joy and meaning stripe down the middle.
I truly admire you for offering this man love, loyalty and support at a time when his suffering must be stratospheric. He is, in this way anyway, extremely fortunate.
I'm just so very sorry for his pain.
And have faith that you'll continue to take care of you, along with the loving.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Wow, Skep, every time I take my eyes off the threads for a day or two I come back and you've got a million things going on again. I really hope Buck's recovery goes well. A 4,000 page medical history sounds eye watering. He is very lucky to have such a strong Amazon by his side through this. xx
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Tupp, he definitely knows that... and now that the worst is over, we've both kinda hit that quietly COMFORTABLE peaceful zone. I'm finding out some subtle things about him - the kind from observation; not stuff he says.
He's self-aware and introspective. He is concerned how he impacts others and adjusts accordingly. He is very observant, paying attention, thinking and thoughtful, under that resilient, independent, testosterone-fueled HOO-RA shell. Wise and kind papa-bear; but not to crossed lightly. He also has places that have been very carefully placed into locked trunks in the dark corners of his mind, so that he could keep on living a life. His big group of friends knows he's the first to offer help and they're loyal above & beyond. He likes keeping it simple.
When echoes of the past came up to haunt/taunt me after he made it through the ugliest part of the post-op recovery, I finally cried. And he said just the right thing at just the right time. Without denying me the needed release.
Still going very slowly and carefully - but you all know me better than anyone except maybe Hol. I'm pretty taken with this guy and sense that I can trust him. Enough so, that I can let myself fall and know he'll catch me.
Meanwhile, life is rockin' on here. I have first draft of new estate plan (covering the resignation of my discernment re: the Amy situation and adapting to no Mike reality) and Hol and I meet with contractor for Holly Hut Thursday to go over floor plan and cost estimate; likely talk about contract too. New lawyer is an absolute delight. 180 degrees different than my corp lawyer - he's funny; our brains work the same and he moves fast; I can keep up but reserve the right to second-guess things - he understands; he's also a tax lawyer and seemingly a very nice person. He's a gem and I'm keepin' him.
I'm trying to completely finish up some things that were started at various times, Hol is trying not to add anything new, and taking stock of things. I've started shopping for new clothes, especially pretties. Been awhile, since I could think of myself that way. Changing hair style again too; growing it out. And I'm playing... will wonders never cease?
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