Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
Right you are, Tupp.
He is very used to managing everything on his own after 17 years. And I'm used to managing everything for everyone else. LOL. That's MY problem to deal with... LOL. I don't have to chase him around making sure of anything.
Talk about putting a rapid halt to my "needing to be needed" reflex. :choke: Ego is gonna have to eat that one, for sure. And let it go. I keep telling myself it's good for me. Like broccoli and salads.
And realize what I've wanted all along, is for someone to come along and actually WANT to take care of me, sometimes, too. Like I could stop him......... LOL!!!
I keep thinking about your reciprocal relationship thread title, in light of all I'm learning about Buck. What I'm observing with Holly and Steve (she shares some of my same characteristics whether she'll admit it or not; we do discuss it). I have to confess I've spent a LOT of time on detours never even getting to that state of give & take. My good friends are few; my sorta good friends - who do make an effort when I let them (it's not their fault) - is a bigger group. I wouldn't say we're "intimate" but we're close enough we do understand each other pretty well. We do check in with each other. And then there's Buck; sorta in a class all by himself.
It's like he anticipates me realizing what I need and is right there; right then; when I realize it. I'm not used to anyone being that intuitive OR that ready to give, being there for me. All he needs from me, is to be able to take care of myself while he does other things he has to; wants to do. And not disappear on him. That's a tougher assignment some days than it sounds like; I still find my Self to be high maintenance for me.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 18, 2019, 01:20:28 PM ---Right you are, Tupp.
He is very used to managing everything on his own after 17 years. And I'm used to managing everything for everyone else. LOL. That's MY problem to deal with... LOL. I don't have to chase him around making sure of anything.
Talk about putting a rapid halt to my "needing to be needed" reflex. :choke: Ego is gonna have to eat that one, for sure. And let it go. I keep telling myself it's good for me. Like broccoli and salads.
And realize what I've wanted all along, is for someone to come along and actually WANT to take care of me, sometimes, too. Like I could stop him......... LOL!!!
I keep thinking about your reciprocal relationship thread title, in light of all I'm learning about Buck. What I'm observing with Holly and Steve (she shares some of my same characteristics whether she'll admit it or not; we do discuss it). I have to confess I've spent a LOT of time on detours never even getting to that state of give & take. My good friends are few; my sorta good friends - who do make an effort when I let them (it's not their fault) - is a bigger group. I wouldn't say we're "intimate" but we're close enough we do understand each other pretty well. We do check in with each other. And then there's Buck; sorta in a class all by himself.
It's like he anticipates me realizing what I need and is right there; right then; when I realize it. I'm not used to anyone being that intuitive OR that ready to give, being there for me. All he needs from me, is to be able to take care of myself while he does other things he has to; wants to do. And not disappear on him. That's a tougher assignment some days than it sounds like; I still find my Self to be high maintenance for me.
--- End quote ---
He sounds like a good anchor for you, Skep :) He can stop your kite from flying away too high when necessary :)
I think he does 'need' you, but he just needs you - he doesn't need you to do anything other than just be you. And I think that can be hard to understand when we're used to having to be needed and running around after people all the time. And I think it's where I'm at now in all of my relationships - I want people to want me just because they want me, not because I do them favours or I'm available when they've nothing else to do or because I'm a good listener or can give them advice. Just wanting me whether I'm in a good mood or bad, busy or not busy, available or not available. I think I feel that quite keenly now so it's great that you and Buck have that intuition and that connection, especially as you're not able to spend much time together at the minute. I think it all sounds grand :) xx
sKePTiKal:
Time flies when you've decided to share life together. Another layer deeper, more intimate - even if at a distance. I'll say one thing, he's not shy or closed off with me. He trusts me and I don't have to over-compensate proving myself.
And I'm DEEPLY appreciative of how much practice I've gotten communicating with you all, over the years; how much we've learned together. Those lessons and the topics we've covered over the years, helped me build the confidence in myself I needed to JUST BE THERE for him, in a way that people are when they have this kind of deep connection and shared experiences. That was what he needed to reclaim his own confidence, after this stressful few years of life-changes for him.
Still a big work in progress and I freak myself out sometimes being TOO sensitive or analytical, but all of those incidents have been tiny and all part of the "getting to know" process - not major transgressions, just accidentally stepping on toes. They seem huge to me, when they happen - because of past experience and I'm still self-conscious about it. He's barely noticed; LOL. He's really been overwhelmed with an "all at once" piling on of major life stressors... and doing the beating himself up part, because he just found what his limit for dealing with all that was. I was able to show him, that's not a functional way forward... and that he's not doing it all by himself anymore. I'm "there" when he needs me. WE (intentional use this time) are sorting it out together.
The back & forth; give & take of actual support for each other is still astounding me and magical. And the whole thing is getting very very (sometimes scary) real. I managed to run a background check on him last night while waiting for him to call. Nothing, nada, zip. Clean as a whistle. Just for insurance and to shut up that part of my brain that worries over what I haven't done and wants to tell me I'm a blind, idiotic fool and should be trying to slow this down. What a party-pooper!
This heatwave - we're promised - will finally be over on Friday. The Holly Hut is stuck in bureaucratic processes - waiting on permits, prerequisite to obtaining the building permit, signing the contract, making the deposit, and finalizing the construction plan. Only a few things have been getting actually done around here - I've had my legal/financial hat for awhile. I'll put my business hat on one day this week... and then I'm ready to get back at it this weekend.
Meh:
Agreed the board is probably helpful in ways we don't expect.
sKePTiKal:
Thanks friends. I think you just pulled me back from the ledge of making an error I've made more than once. It's likely attributable to my ability to connect and see the possibilities, very quickly.
"narration"
"Keep your head where your feet are."
And yeah, the project mgmt mindset runs with all that raw material, feeding it into creativity that begins weaving the story... trolling for the emotional energy to "make it so". That almost always inevitably runs into reality at some point, which is obviously DIFFERENT because it wasn't something I created in my over-active mind. And yeah - at that point, sometimes resentments begin to form.
Even Tupps' image of the discussion of differentials got through my foggy cloud. Like a strong beam of sunlight.
I needed that dose of "wake up" ladies. Thanks.
All is still well with Buck and I don't see any major pitfalls in the next 10 months that will come up as dealbreakers. If I can keep this tendency to write the script tamped down. He's pretty good at setting me straight and pulling me out of the clouds too. Maintaining his own boundaries and even looking out for mine when I get carried away.
Breathing... regrouping... centering.
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