Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
Maybe it's just me, but 41 doesn't sound "young" anymore. :shrugs:
lighter:
Good news, Amber. Your man is steady, and not prone to hysteria, woo hoo!
It did make me sad to read you expected to be blamed....old pathways rearing their ugly heads, no doubt.
Dance, and bask in the comfort of sane, rational adult companionship, my dear.
You so deserve it.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Light; it was kinda necessary for me to have that a-ha moment, realizing what I was expecting, to be able to notice it wasn't happening. Then I could really expand into the space around me created by the noted absence of the "usual".
Right now, I'm kinda having a hard time actually believing it's for real and not a temporary "everyone's on their best behavior" kind of thing. Guess that's the skeptic in me. But I'm also not adjusting my sensory lens to focus on watching for that.
TOO BUSY. The financial tasks necessary to meet the terms of my new trust arrangement and on-going corporate "housekeeping" for the business has been center-stage this week. It sounded so simple - but the current existential arrangement around here (not having a functional office just yet) and the typical bureaucracy & tech hangups made it seem like pulling teeth.
Yesterday, as we were taking off on a supply gathering run, Hol got a call saying one of her close friends, who happens to be her production crew's leader, died during surgery to remove lung cancer tumors. Bill's been here for the last couple of Hol's birthday parties. The last time, I got to talk to him a lot and get to know him some. Very much liked him. So, whatever 16-ton evil buzzard was sitting on her head from last weekend's events moved on and made space for dealing with this too. Bill's girl friend is also one of Hol's close friends and her mom died of cancer 8 years ago. So Hol is offering support without intruding on friends' space. I imagine once arrangements are made, she and I will travel for services.
And of COURSE this would hit on the 4 yr anniversary of Mike's diagnosis and also, to the month, of marking 20 years together. I figured there would be echos. There always are. Buck and I can talk about it, of course. It's one of the ways he was there for me THEN, and hoping I'd notice - and of course, his life experience is such that he's pretty comfortable with mortality and talking about death. But he's starting to talk about his own more.
He wants to teach me to dive. Like scuba diving. (Lighter, I might need info in the future on renting your cabin and how to get there.) I went into my spiel about how I don't go IN water that I can't see the bottom of, am claustrophobic, and exhibited all the classic "I've never wanted or intended to do anything so silly" fears and refusal to participate, I think he almost found it cute. Insists he'll teach me and can be taught, despite my fear. We will see. I'll go hang-gliding before going underwater.
More Hol: she seems to wallow in feeling abandoned and friendless and needing that social interaction/validation when Steve is away working for any length of time. Mom doesn't meet the criteria and besides we spend a lot of time together already and appreciate regular breaks. Lots of over magnification and exaggeration/expectations from friends/relationships she has felt for a long time. I'm thinking the co-dependence topic might be something she should explore. I'm wondering about different approaches to it - because she takes in information extremely quickly as long as it's highly rational, logical and doesn't spend a lot of time in the uniquely personal emotional space. She can apply one to the other easily and doesn't want some imposed "template" with all it's shoulds, etc.
Might take a look-see around the book world since winter is coming... and there will be lots of time for that kind of activity.
Hopalong:
((((((Amber)))))))
This all sounds so painful and overwhelming, with Buck as the beacon. I'm so very glad he's in your life now.
Question: Does H have her own therapist?
I hope peace creeps in through all the stress cracks you're coping with.
Big hug,
Hops
lighter:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on September 14, 2019, 09:16:38 AM ---Thanks Light; it was kinda necessary for me to have that a-ha moment, realizing what I was expecting, to be able to notice it wasn't happening. Then I could really expand into the space around me created by the noted absence of the "usual". How's that space feeling about now, Amber?
Right now, I'm kinda having a hard time actually believing it's for real and not a temporary "everyone's on their best behavior" kind of thing. Guess that's the skeptic in me. But I'm also not adjusting my sensory lens to focus on watching for that. I wonder how that shift will show up for you. I think your brain can make that jump in a second when it's ready.
TOO BUSY. The financial tasks necessary to meet the terms of my new trust arrangement and on-going corporate "housekeeping" for the business has been center-stage this week. It sounded so simple - but the current existential arrangement around here (not having a functional office just yet) and the typical bureaucracy & tech hangups made it seem like pulling teeth. So sorry about that. This too shall pass.
Yesterday, as we were taking off on a supply gathering run, Hol got a call saying one of her close friends, who happens to be her production crew's leader, died during surgery to remove lung cancer tumors. Bill's been here for the last couple of Hol's birthday parties. The last time, I got to talk to him a lot and get to know him some. Very much liked him. So, whatever 16-ton evil buzzard was sitting on her head from last weekend's events moved on and made space for dealing with this too. Bill's girl friend is also one of Hol's close friends and her mom died of cancer 8 years ago. So Hol is offering support without intruding on friends' space. I imagine once arrangements are made, she and I will travel for services. I'm sure you and Hol will be a huge support.
And of COURSE this would hit on the 4 yr anniversary of Mike's diagnosis and also, to the month, of marking 20 years together. I figured there would be echos. You loved Mike very much, and he was a huge part of your life. Things come off in layers, so ya..... echoes. There always are. Buck and I can talk about it, of course. It's one of the ways he was there for me THEN, and hoping I'd notice - and of course, his life experience is such that he's pretty comfortable with mortality and talking about death. But he's starting to talk about his own more. Maybe he needs to get that out, up front, so you know what you're getting into.... before you jump? Not that he knows what's coming, or could know. Have you ever felt like you just need to cover all the bad things, about yourself, so you don't feel you've duped someone or tricked them? I think we all feel that way at times. I'm guessing he'll get it off his chest, you'll reassure him, and it will pass. One thing's clear, he needs to talk about it.
He wants to teach me to dive. Like scuba diving. (Lighter, I might need info in the future on renting your cabin and how to get there.) I went into my spiel about how I don't go IN water that I can't see the bottom of, am claustrophobic, and exhibited all the classic "I've never wanted or intended to do anything so silly" fears and refusal to participate, I think he almost found it cute. Insists he'll teach me and can be taught, despite my fear. We will see. I'll go hang-gliding before going underwater. There's no clearer water than in the Bahamas.
More Hol: she seems to wallow in feeling abandoned and friendless and needing that social interaction/validation when Steve is away working for any length of time. Mom doesn't meet the criteria and besides we spend a lot of time together already and appreciate regular breaks. Lots of over magnification and exaggeration/expectations from friends/relationships she has felt for a long time. I'm thinking the co-dependence topic might be something she should explore. I'm wondering about different approaches to it - because she takes in information extremely quickly as long as it's highly rational, logical and doesn't spend a lot of time in the uniquely personal emotional space. She can apply one to the other easily and doesn't want some imposed "template" with all it's shoulds, etc. My oldest dd learned through relationship with good Ts. Maybe a good T could help Hol learn, and process through the lessons she needs more quickly?
Might take a look-see around the book world since winter is coming... and there will be lots of time for that kind of activity. There's plenty of codependence videos on Youtube, with all sorts of views, to supplement books.
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