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Hopalong:
Duh. Just re-read that it's a non-issue since H has your car. Sorry.

However, the same thinking applies though not to you...H should not be giving him a ride either because that continues her codependency.

If you see the same thing, YOU still can't be tasked with fixing H's codependency (if accurate). Because that puts you in the exact same position re. her. Not to worry. She'll get it in 10 years or so. Seriously. It's her path to carve and get and hike and figure out because, ime, any time someone else explains to me what I need to "get" it never takes. It's the long accumulation of my very own insights that help me grow. I can seek additional wisdom from books or people or Ts, but I gotta get all the way to it on my own.

I imagine this is a really tough line to navigate, but if you want to, you can do it. It's sound and healthy non-enmeshment and I believe that's where you are headed.

You've just had a big check-in about your own sense of self and health and boundaries and patterns and I know this--you will have awesome insights once you've had a chance to sit with it all and ponder in peace. The Amber brain and mind and heart know how to come 'round right.

fwiw, xxoo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Big hug back to you Hops.

Hol and I had our first debrief last night. She's better off, in some ways, than I am. On the other hand I see some things she hasn't recognized yet... but I kept my mouth shut, for now.

sKePTiKal:
Quick update... I'm feeling better now; less scattered and run over. Hol's mental state is pretty well intact and she's back up & running on the stuff she needs to take care of, moving forward. No difficulties between us to work out... but until she has her own house, there are going to be some additional clarification of basic "ground rules".

Seems I found a limitation in myself that I'm not entirely sure how to fix. I don't know how to set functional boundaries between my inner state - and that of disturbed people in my presence; their state completely impacts me and except for physical distance (ie, they're not here) I don't have tools to shield myself from what I experience as constant bombardment. It is affected by time duration; it's one of the reasons going out shopping is so draining of my energy. Yes, to a lesser degree than having someone in my house; popping up quietly and suddenly anywhere/everywhere in my space and never ever coming to rest in his constant, manic pacing.

Hol thinks a person can always rise above and conquer personal limitations and should. I see it more like an allergy; it's part of how I'm constituted. And when the person in question is oblivious to how they are impacting others because they're so involved in their own struggles... push comes to shove. In this case, poor guy was depending on Holly (or me as substitute) to manage his feelings for him. I understand how it feels to not be able to do that, and his honest need, and empathize with that.

The hospital is keeping him a week and will likely release him to an in-patient situation elsewhere.

But because of enmeshment and co-dependency, I am allergic to people like that around me. I'm not so sure it's a good thing to "fix" either! Fix it, and one becomes vulnerable to it again, n'est-ce pas?

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---Hol thinks a person can always rise above and conquer personal limitations and should. I see it more like an allergy; it's part of how I'm constituted.
--- End quote ---

I completely agree with you and, with respect, disagree with Hol. Hate to pull the age-card but I think one (or this one anyway) doesn't quite "get" the we-ARE-wired-certain-ways reality AS full reality until say...50s and 60s. I think in this culture we fling ourselves against various walls for decades because the culture's insistence on self-determination is so powerful.

It's beautiful to know who you are and the atmosphere and boundaries you require, and nobody can know that better than you. Even someone who loves you tons. And there's surely nobody who scrutinizes and judges a mother's makeup more than a daughter, even a loving one. She could be too close to you to really see you...as a person. (If she met you outside your relationship, as a stranger, and you explained how you'd learned certain boundaries are necessary for your well being...she'd admire you for it and accept it as your own smart insight.)

I don't blame her; I think we're all that way to varying degrees until decades and learning and such reach a point within us when we actually accept ourselves. Convincing OTHERS to can be an occasional necessity or if we're not careful, a pernicious hobby.

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thank you Hops. I tried to explain N-spots to her, and how her "encouragement" to overcome what I know about myself - and have designed into my lifestyle - is very similar to something she complained about Matt doing to her. She denied it, out of hand of course. LOL. Time will fix that.

I think there is a fear of aging - both in me and her herself - that she's realizing. So, I don't need to press the issue. She'll face it soon enough on her own. We've been down the rabbithole of generational traits & effects too. She's very smart and only needs to have someone to bounce ideas off of, as objectively as humanly possible. I try; do OK for an amateur. But I do know my limitations and when a situation develops into something I wouldn't have initially agreed to... I stand up and deal with it... no matter how many toes I step on. Generally speaking, I've only had to bring up ideas/concepts and then shut up - because she does go off and think it through herself. Like a champ, so far.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally now. But I was walking in the dark and wrenched or over-extended a knee a couple nights ago. It's quickly getting better, but I am still moving slow. LOL. Feel like a dumbass... for trying to rely on internal sight in the dark (my usual habit is to turn the light on in the bedroom and then turn out the last light in the living area). But that kind of thing is a direct reminder of just what I was trying to explain to Hol, isn't it? She ran and got me a cane and I was up/down all day yesterday dogsitting and just taking it easy... so I think that's helped with the improvement I'm seeing.

The only thing pressing this week, is the bed I ordered back in Oct is finally being delivered Wed, and we're going to have a couple REALLY cold days, which requires some wood chores to take place. Hol will doing the bulk of that since I'm still moving slow. I can navigate steps, if I pay attention, so I am paying a lot of attention!  ;)  I have a couple more ladder projects to finish up, but that's definitely not happening unless Hol takes the ladder half of the job.

We still need to have "Christmas" with Mike's D... and the snow postponed our original date, so maybe this weekend.

I'm not doing any online dating... even tried Tinder, but it meant I needed wifi on, on my phone and it sucks battery life out of it. So, that's on hold for the time being. Ronnie's still being playfully "flirty" with me, but I haven't seen as much of him since the accident. I've seen his brother more often and while he's not flirty with me, he is as friendly and open and nice.

Farmer's Almanac says our spring & summer here is supposed to be drier than normal. We shall see. I haven't noticed any new trends yet, to drier weather. But that would let me do last summer's garden projects a lot easier.

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