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sKePTiKal:
For sure Buck is OK. He agrees with my plan, going forward from here. It's just going to take some repetition before it settles in.

Not re-instating parent-child roles; but establishing some new boundaries. It's one thing; if one of us girls is in the midst of a serious crisis for us to drop a lot of boundaries and try to shepherd the other back toward balance & the light again. But when there is no crisis; we need to go back to each of having the space, privacy & autonomy to have separate lives. That includes freedom from being analyzed by the other. That habit is particularly harmful in an active work situation.

She has this idea (and I might be partly responsible for her having it) that one of our responsibilities as humans is to constantly work toward "perfecting" ourselves. I have no issues with her doing that for herself. But when she extends that out to other people - including me - based on the premise that she can see what needs to occur and that she's right about that... Houston, we have a problem.

Now add in a new fear that mom is getting old and you're responsible for making decisions (later) when mom can't. Mix well. And those "observations" and "suggestions" - no matter how well-intentioned or caring the impetus - are experienced as heavy-handed, unnecessary, and essentially intrusive. I don't care that she calls it "encouragement" - when you set an expectation above & beyond someone ELSE'S personal needs & goals - it's not welcome and makes things worse. She's well aware she can't control other people, but she doesn't accept that her "encouragement" might just be rejected. Nope, she considers that more evidence of decline.

Hence, friction. And a moment even, where I re-experienced the worst of Twiggy's abuse. She rejects that I've moved past it - simply because I can be reminded of it so vividly. Ironic, huh?

Perhaps, this was all to spark me "pulling rank" in the first place; not saying it was conscious - only that she was wanting it. Precisely because I had given up being consulted about use of space here, the scheduling of announced/unannounced visitors to MY space, because anything I said was too constricting for her... and if I didn't say it... it erupted later anyway.

It's the damned if you do, damned if you don't thing. If I vacumn - it's the wrong time or I'm being OCD; if I don't vacumn - I must be depressed and I'm not getting enough exercise. Hell yes, I'm gonna give up - retreat - and try to evaluate things from a more objective viewpoint to figure out what the hell is going on. THAT is crazymaking. But then, she's accusing me of the same thing. Right. OK.

While she was gone for a few days, I honestly collapsed into exhaustion. The lack of demands, microscopic analysis, and QUIET - the two guys here just did their thing and didn't engage unnecessarily - were PERFECT for me to try to sort out what's going on. Part of it, as she explores & learns about co-dependence and how it manifests in different situations, she's seeing everything through that lens of traits. And it's absolute right now in her mind. Any little sign equals clinical level problems. LOL. I know I've been guilty of that particular brain quirk too.

It's going to be a little while before she's able to see that behaviors that may meet the definition aren't necessarily an indicator that the person IS that way totally; it's only when it's pervasive throughout all their personality and interactions. Like the difference between N and a healthy ego.

Her brain can digest new information very quickly. And she actually is one of those people who will ponder it, watch & observe, and come to her own personal understanding of it. It doesn't have to match mine down to the details. No matter what she wants. (We disagree on political issues, too - but also have established common ground between us on the real life things that unfortunately have been politicized.)

So by "pulling rank", I do mean upping my watch on boundaries again. Finding those ways of letting her know - she doesn't need to do this and it's aggravating; without rejecting her natural concern and actual caring. Sigh. Like I need one more thing to do.

I sit in a very uncomfortable position to write lengthy things like this. I got up and she asked if I was limping or just stiff. The "smart ass" sarcasm jumped out and yeah, I'm stiff - I think I'm gonna fall and break my hip!!!  I think she got my point.

So to keep myself from being totally self-conscious about what I say & do; how I say/do things even; I have to make myself safe somehow behind the boundaries and let this run it's course. She'll figure it out eventually and I'll be trying to point her in that direction.

Hopalong:
I so hope she does figure it out, Amber.
I really am sad about this kind of stress. I am so glad you have Buck. The sooner he comes, the better!

Something blunt but true (notwithstanding the implied heartache if it came to pass) is that if she is not ready to learn the lesson you describe here, well, you'll have a lovely, rentable cottage on your property now.

She needs to earn, not assume, her right to live there.

And, because I project my own solutions onto everybody, I wish you two could go into family counseling before it gets worse.

love and comfort,
Hops

lighter:
The book THE PARALLEL PROCESS  might be useful, Amber.

It's geared toward parenting young adults in recovery, but it's an amazing encyclopedia for boundaries, good choices, and helping us grow alongside our kids in healthy ways.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Lighter. Maybe I'll read that this winter; as the farm schedule goes into high gear for work around here - getting ready for winter.

Tomorrow the wizards of HVAC are installing a new condenser in my a/c - so I'll have cold air again to counter the rediculous heat we're still having. Contractor breaks ground on the Holly Hut (General Mayhem's HQ) and I for one, will be celebrating. I'm picking up the House Guest this evening, so he can earn a few more bucks helping knock some of the chores off the list faster. (There's a LOT of extra stuff going on this year.) Almost all the posts are set for the fence around the pond field; another good days' work and they can start stretching wire and set the gates. When that trailer moves, I can finish the drainage around the barn. (Bobcat's kinda blocked in for work there; but I could finish the refinements I'm making to the driveway.

Hol and I are building some steps from the parking area to the front yard, kitchen beds, etc. It's pretty steep there and even the dogs are kinda tentative about using that path. It's tricky for me when it's wet/snowy. We've done this work before together; she had a good design suggestion; I've had a chance to get eyes on it up close & personal (not just imaginary on paper crap) so I think we're good to go. She and Matthew MIGHT start clearing off the back deck - she wants to build a walking path up that cliff to the hut site - it'll be a more direct, shorter way to go back & forth. I want the fire break that close to the house, and she wants the shorter distance. Then there's the garden tilling for next year and cleaning up kitchen beds and putting them to sleep for next year.

We NEED rain desperately. Last year, it never stopped. Fire is becoming a worry.

And if Buck can sort out his med appts, I'm sneaking away for a few days at the beach with him. Just us. SOON.

And I think the Hol situation is sorting itself out. She reported a useful dream, to that effect. And we have been able to find ways to talk about difficult subjects in more productive ways. I don't think a person can simply "decide" - I'm over this now - like she believes. If that were true, I wouldn't have had my revisit of Mike grief - 4 years later, on our anniversary. What she lived with, for 10 years in the last relationship is what she's working on changing for herself. It's dysfunctional to change roles and do what she suffered with to me. But if I realize that's what's going on and control my own reactions to it... she will also eventually realize what she's doing. She's real smart that way. But she is working INTENSELY at a lot of levels on it. Her whole life disintegrated and changed in the last year. That's a lot to process.

Hopalong:
((((Amber))))

This is in response to your latest post over on Relationship, thought I should put it here. I'm glad things are better with Hol today. (So this may seem out of sync.)

Amber---
Of course it "kinda" hurts.
I hope you won't minimize it.
Your love for and your perceptiveness and your running forgiveness for her are lovely.
They still don't grant her license to keep hurting you as she deals with her own stuff, no matter how difficult it is. Her Very Bad Year doesn't excuse her taking it out on you.

Hope you'll talk about this whenever you need to.
It's important.

Big hugs and comfort,
Hops

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