Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
Hops, love... she is VERY close to having her own realization of what she's been doing. I think it's very important for me to leave her to it, and perhaps nudge her gently into acknowledging bits & pieces of it. She's good at adding 2+2; connecting dots. It'll stick a lot better if she achieves this all on her own.
The talk has improved a good deal. There have even been those deep laughing at ourselves moments for absurdity in our actions. It was a turning point when I was able to puzzle out what she was doing; and the why of it. Like she has said many times (right before she criticizes again - LOL) - it's not a personal attack on me. So while initially it DID hurt; it's shifted more into concern for her. But we have a long history of sorting things like this out, in our stumbling, bumbling, flailing fashion. So we DO have the ability to put it aside; leave it; take a break.
And coincidentally, it's not a bad reminder for me to remember just how I can remain "safe" and "whole" and not lose my confidence or trust in my self... when someone makes an unfair observation or criticism. My autonomy is intact; and it's non-aggressive in it's defenses. But it IS standing my ground and saying "fine, that's your opinion" and "I disagree with you." And defend that with actual factual evidence.
Hopalong:
Good for you (both)!
This sounds like an excellent development.
You sound centered again. Sounds like Hol is truly working on it.
And you sure have been.
Bravo, Amber. You work on your own mountain as hard as you work on THE mountain.
You have a whole dumptruck full of patience and she is a lucky woman.
I loved your ending, about speaking your peace including disagreement. Holding that right dear.
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on September 29, 2019, 10:12:29 AM ---Thanks Lighter. Maybe I'll read that this winter; as the farm schedule goes into high gear for work around here - getting ready for winter.
Tomorrow the wizards of HVAC are installing a new condenser in my a/c - so I'll have cold air again to counter the rediculous heat we're still having. Contractor breaks ground on the Holly Hut (General Mayhem's HQ) and I for one, will be celebrating. I'm picking up the House Guest this evening, so he can earn a few more bucks helping knock some of the chores off the list faster. (There's a LOT of extra stuff going on this year.) Almost all the posts are set for the fence around the pond field; another good days' work and they can start stretching wire and set the gates. When that trailer moves, I can finish the drainage around the barn. (Bobcat's kinda blocked in for work there; but I could finish the refinements I'm making to the driveway.
Hol and I are building some steps from the parking area to the front yard, kitchen beds, etc. It's pretty steep there and even the dogs are kinda tentative about using that path. It's tricky for me when it's wet/snowy. We've done this work before together; she had a good design suggestion; I've had a chance to get eyes on it up close & personal (not just imaginary on paper crap) so I think we're good to go. I wanted steps, out front, and was reminded by my brother that steps are limiting. You can't roll a cart easily down steps. A wide, graded path can be appreciated when you have a heavy wheelbarrow full of whatever to get from point A to point B. She and Matthew MIGHT start clearing off the back deck - she wants to build a walking path up that cliff to the hut site - it'll be a more direct, shorter way to go back & forth. I want the fire break that close to the house, and she wants the shorter distance. Then there's the garden tilling for next year and cleaning up kitchen beds and putting them to sleep for next year. Whew... lots going on, Amber: )
We NEED rain desperately. Last year, it never stopped. Fire is becoming a worry. We had a lot of threatened rain, then it came down yesterday... finally. I hope it's heading to your neck of the woods soon.
And if Buck can sort out his med appts, I'm sneaking away for a few days at the beach with him. Just us. SOON. That will do you both a world of good. ::nodding::.
And I think the Hol situation is sorting itself out. She reported a useful dream, to that effect. And we have been able to find ways to talk about difficult subjects in more productive ways. I don't think a person can simply "decide" - I'm over this now - like she believes. If that were true, I wouldn't have had my revisit of Mike grief - 4 years later, on our anniversary. What she lived with, for 10 years in the last relationship is what she's working on changing for herself. It's dysfunctional to change roles and do what she suffered with to me. But if I realize that's what's going on and control my own reactions to it... she will also eventually realize what she's doing. She's real smart that way. But she is working INTENSELY at a lot of levels on it. Her whole life disintegrated and changed in the last year. That's a lot to process. I think we keep the focus on us, as parents, when we react to our children. If we can remain detached, and ask ourselves... IS what I'm about to say necessary? Will it get me more of what I want? We give ourselves time to make better choices, and respond instead of react. Being right is highly overrated, IME, and no one appreciates it anyway.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
sKePTiKal:
LOL... yeah, I'm not the one insisting I'm right Lighter. Just trying to make sure I don't respond with doubting myself, lashing out in defense, or seeking revenge.
I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house.
So yesterday was ground breaking on the Hut. Fence guy is hard at it, too. We celebrated; had a good time. But champagne for lunch was brutal. However, I let her call the shots on that and just went to bed very EARLY. Contractor was back bright & early this morning; but that was after I drove Matthew - part time help around here - back to town in rush hour. He's the former House Guest and is just the right energy for Hol to cathart (new verb I just made up) all the stuff in her head that she continues ruminating on; polishing turds... instead of being focused in the now. NOW, none of those old things matter; the how/why has limited instructional value to learn from; and the lingering emotional damage is more quickly healed with care & nurturing than it is, rehashing and reliving all the agony repeatedly.
She'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, we don't have to be in the very same space doing the same thing ALL the time. When Mike did that, it made me crazy too. I really need my space right now. More so, because of Buck. I'm not able to put as much into that relationship - when my "quota" (capacity) for relationship stuff is already overflowing with Hol's stuff. And her constant diagramming of emotions - which are (IMO) way too mutable and slippery for that kind of "knowing".
She has a very different opinion on that topic. LOL.
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house.
--- End quote ---
I feel I compleeeeeeeeeeetly understand this, Amber. It's so weird because my ENTIRE life until recently I considered myself a total extrovert. But I'm not. I'm that introverted-ex etc subtype, fwiw. And I respond to "too much input" with stress, rising BP, and anxiety. I didn't understand until M how easy it is to "flood" me.
I guess the poet side of me (long neglected) is about deep quiet. Time for thoughts and feelings to take clearer shape. To rise out of deep places within that won't unlock without peace. Badgering, whatever the source, is the antithesis of peace.
You DESERVE peace and have more than earned it, and Hol can't relate to that chapter that, in your maturity, you are entering. The eternal examination (and perhaps oversharing) of the detailed inner world with Hol is making less sense now. Someone else is appearing as your partner. You are also engaging yourself in different, healthier ways. She is threatened and flailing, because she senses her mother shifting her focus. I'm sure it's hard for her to adapt to, and sympathize.
Of course you love her. But change in relationship dynamics, even with a close parent, is part of the long curve of life, and 40 or not, she hasn't lived enough to internalize this truth.
I hope that not too much damage will be done before she gets there. That you've identified boundaries as the key to making it through this rocky surf is huge. That you're committed to them for your own sake, and for yours and Buck's, is even huger.
I'm sorry it's been such a primal struggle. But if anybody's strong enough to weather it, it's you.
Hugs
Hops
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