Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
lighter:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on October 02, 2019, 10:30:54 AM ---LOL... yeah, I'm not the one insisting I'm right Lighter. Just trying to make sure I don't respond with doubting myself, lashing out in defense, or seeking revenge. I guess you'd ask yourself if what you have to say... or how you say it... be it defensive, lashing out, seeking revenge... whatever it is that's going on between you and dd right now.... you'd ask if it's necessary, and if it gets you more of what you want. It doesn't matter what your situation is, IME. You're just changing your reactions, and choosing responses, bc you want something different between you.
I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house. That sounds like an ongoing strain, Amber. I hope it gets better soon.
So yesterday was ground breaking on the Hut. Fence guy is hard at it, too. We celebrated; had a good time. But champagne for lunch was brutal. However, I let her call the shots on that and just went to bed very EARLY. Contractor was back bright & early this morning; but that was after I drove Matthew - part time help around here - back to town in rush hour. He's the former House Guest and is just the right energy for Hol to cathart (new verb I just made up) all the stuff in her head that she continues ruminating on; polishing turds... instead of being focused in the now. NOW, none of those old things matter; the how/why has limited instructional value to learn from; and the lingering emotional damage is more quickly healed with care & nurturing than it is, rehashing and reliving all the agony repeatedly. When Hol's brain is ready to finish the things she keeps talking about, she'll find a way to do that work. I really like tapping.
She'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, we don't have to be in the very same space doing the same thing ALL the time. When Mike did that, it made me crazy too. I really need my space right now. More so, because of Buck. I'm not able to put as much into that relationship - when my "quota" (capacity) for relationship stuff is already overflowing with Hol's stuff. And her constant diagramming of emotions - which are (IMO) way too mutable and slippery for that kind of "knowing".
I wonder how much of the need for space and peace is connected to introversion... getting energized from within one's own head, rather than from other people. How much is connected to being drained by people who verbally process the things needing attention, as a matter of habit. I'm comfortable listening to people talk about their struggles, and I enjoy those conversations. What I don't enjoy is listening to people talk about their problems with no interest in discussing solutions, or attempting to find solutions. People who are stuck ruminating, and comortable there, are people I can't be around comfortably. Lighter
--- End quote ---
sKePTiKal:
Hops - thank you so much! you get it. I have this emotional pull - like the ocean's undertow - that I can't ignore. Maybe I'm more romantic that I think? Not able to BE a poet, but have those leanings?
Lighter - OMG, come stay with me for a couple weeks. LOL. I need a practical brain right now. And you're dead-set on practical. I love it.
lighter:
Amber:
I'm internalizing this myself too, so I write it out, more for myself, as I have trouble applying the concept consistently. I do notice when I miss an opportunity for silence, but here goes.
There's a moment when you (general) don't react to what your child just said... and it's just a second or two, and you have think...
Is what I'm about to say necessary?
It's more of a reluctant prod to self, rather than real question you intend to answer, IME. It's not a real question, just yet, and that's all there is. There's no follow up... bc it sits there,
will this get me more of what I want?
Nope.
Just that initial attention, and it's not a pleasant feeling, it almost feels like being self chastised. It was an epiphany for me.
When you start asking that question, and listening for the answer... be ready to notice things you won't be pleased with.
The whole goal is providing the silence and space for our kids to focus on their part, and not on us. We chime in, we take the focus. It's interesting to see the shock on their face when we change things up, and take back our energy.
We fail to provide the distraction they've become accustomed to. They have some choice about what they pay attention to then. Maybe they buck a little harder, trying to engage us back into the dance, but we resist, and they're left with themselves, their words, their actions, and self responsibility.
I'm guessing some kids buck a lot harder than others. My oldest is very reserved, most of the time, around me. She's very sensitive to what I say, how I look at her.
When I read that any interaction with a child, that's not nurturing, is abuse.... that got me pinpoint focused on what I'm doing and saying around oldest dd. I have some very big habits that I'm not proud of, but I understand, and forgive myself for. I think I used to try to face beat her into compliance, or feeling more responsible, nicer, kinder than she was feeling, particulary about me.
I forgive her for being mean, and I forgive me for reacting to it, and not being able to think my reactions through.
I've been through a lot too. Not just the kids. I cut myself slack, and work towards what I want for all of us.
I SEE MY T TODAY!
I really like her. She's about a foot taller than me. Very thin, which I am not, and has the carriage of a monk.
::nodding::
Lighter
Hopalong:
Lighter, what is "face beat"?
Pretzeling my brain to visualize...
Hops
lighter:
No idea, Hops. Did I write that? It's definitely a typo, lol. I can't find it.
OH! OH! Found it!
It's like browbeating, but with the entire face: )
Facebeating.
::nod::
Lighter
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