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sKePTiKal:
LOL... some people make a big deal out of things like my questions Lighter. And in truth, once upon a time, I did as well. UNTIL... 4 teenagers and their various groups of friends were in my house. UNTIL... my beach house turned into a hostel that needed a reservation scheduling system... (which hasn't changed in my new location)...

Buck & I are dealing with the deep heavy life things (different for each of us) - so it was a joke to ask him about silly things like this. Lightens the mood. And also lets him know HE'S safe from being judged superficially for stuff like that, from me. Given his medical issues and the byzantine VA insurance stuff he deals with, I can't protect him from that or even lighten his load. All I can do is care and advocate for him. (Limited right now to me making suggestions to him, on how to navigate some things.) He has a super sense of humor - and most of it is very gentle; he has the typical dark twisted humor of people who've been through some seriously traumatic stuff, too.

We're also sorting out the boundaries of the medical stuff. Things that blow my mind, that "should not be" - often are things he's dealt with for years on a consistent basis, because of his VA status. And he knows how to cope with it. Until things go sideways. So the silly, unimportant questions help us learn to read each other a little better. We're way past that kind of thing.

But amazingly, I find we communicate really well. Because I can usually keep my objective hat on, and analyze things... without initially reacting... I can help defuse some of his frustration before it spirals him out of control. And he can open up more and be more honestly vulnerable too... because he knows I'll just listen - and then feedback to him, what I think I heard. The roles reverse, too. He can do the same for me. And we have our "code words" for when we need to have those kinds of conversations.

Seriously, I don't care what side of the bed I sleep on. LOL.

sKePTiKal:
General observation warning:

The level of cognitive dissonance - everywhere - seems to be intensifying. For lots of people in different situations. Stress too. As that pressure increases, I'm observing some cope pretty well; some are just escaping any way they can; some obviously using every possible psychological defense mechanism known to mankind. That kinda creates a pressure cooker phenomenon in the human environment. Everyone seems to be in some sort of psychic pain - and not just in the folks I directly interact with.

Being a hermit - or at least, when I WAS - was kind of an escape; a controlling factor to avoid dealing with it at all. I had other things on my agenda I wanted to do that required that much peace & quiet. One of the inescapable facts of who Hol is, requires me to interact with more people than I would've chosen to, on my own. And those people bring their special dramas and dilemmas with them. There are positive things contributed, don't get me wrong - I'm not just seeing impact on me, here. So it's a "working relationship" between my needs, and all these other people's needs.

One thing I'm learning right now, is how to recognize my needs before they get to crisis stage and politely excuse myself to take care of me. Without always feeling obligated to "be in the mix", "be a good hostess", or engage in activities I have no real desire to be a part of at that moment. And to communicate that in a way that doesn't provoke the onslaught of "shoulds" and/or "criticism" that in turn provokes ME, to stand & defend myself. I'm just not that complicated anymore.

LOL.

Hopalong:
Wow, that's perceptive. All of it.
I can relate to a lot of it, anyway.

The widespread psychic pain people are in.
Choosing solitude as one way to cope with it.

The present difficulty of boundary-ing and respecting
your own need for serenity and solitude. How to
be assertive about it and take care of yourself.
And WHAT to do when attacked, criticized, etc.

How to dial down a habit of remaining always in the mix,
part of solution, consulted or consulting. In control, too?

Not thinking you need advice but occurs to me that the
classic I-statements and language of assertiveness (all
reviewable online) are the healthiest language to use now.

I am so glad you have Buck to love. And VERY glad you
will be going to the ocean together. When is that?

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
Amber:

I think that's a very helpful observation... noticing the psychic pain of everyone walking the earth.  Not just our own, or those in our orbit. 

Another question, Amber....
When you decided it was OK to engage in self care, without feeling obligated to play the hostess, or engage in communal activities you'd rather skip.....
was there an event that solidified that knowing for you?  You might not have an answer: )

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
I just found I was letting myself get carried away with what everyone else was doing, past my "older person" limits and better judgement. And being over-tired and vegetable-brained (usually makes me a rutabaga) the next day. So while participating in those times is FUN... I need to safeguard my energy levels more, to stay consistently productive.

And I don't care what LEVEL of consistently productive I'm at, as long as I'm maintaining a minimum level.

And it helps a lot assessing those times, in the moment; a personal check-in with myself; a mini-time out to acknowledge just how interested I am in the frivolity or discussion going on at the time. It goes back to my philosophy, that there's always time to take care of myself FIRST. If that means I miss some fun, so be it. I won't be much fun the next day if I'm not getting enough sleep or missing a meal or don't have just some plain old downtime.

Contrary to Hol's opinion of a "healthy" balance of solitude/fun... I'm allowed to have one that fits ME. Another type of boundary, I guess.

Been a super-busy mental day here today; but the fence has gates now and I just have to fasten them. The contractor is done jackhammering the rock that was in the way of the first floor of the Holly Hut, so they should be able to start working on forms this week or next for the pour. I don't know if they pour the footers & slab first; let it cure. And then set forms for the walls - or not. Hol has moved ALL her stuff locally; some in a storage unit, some here. So she can officially close that chapter now. (Maybe that'll help?)

A mutual friend told me Buck hates to text; he'd rather talk on the phone. First hand evidence says the exact opposite, so I called him on it last night. (I feel like one of those people chained to my stupid phone!) He's apparently made an exception for me. I find myself pleading with him to call just so I can hear his voice. LOL. No big deal; but because of entanglements where he presently lives and his D's big ears... he's keeping his plans & me hush-hush to minimize the grief he has to live with as a result. Yes, that caught my attention and I chewed on it for awhile.

I think I'm OK with it, in the end. I've had to gradually cut Hol out of the loop, just to be able to have any alone time with him - without her hovering over me like a maiden-aunt chaperone.

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