Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
Hopalong:
Yes yes yes. Hol is encouraged to step back and respect your new, healthily-articulated boundaries. Maybe take her a while (un-entangling from enmeshment does) but there's hope she'll get out of this pattern. If YOU stop first, you'll be helping both of you. She doesn't know any better *yet*. It sounds like one of those things that does NOT need to be verbally narrated or explained, but enacted.
You enact healthy boundaries.
She is confused/resistant for a while.
She catches on, and then gets on with her own maturation.
That's what I'm hoping for you both!
I think it's really good that you are sensitive that Buck has his D to deal with and must do it in his own way. Bravo. One day the relationships in all directions will be happier because you accept that at the outset.
When is beach? Can I come?
LOL.
xxoo
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Beach is on hold, because communications with docs/appts is non-existent. So we can't settle on dates yet. Medical stuff comes first. Could be more surgery involved; surgeon is taking his own sweet time deciding what to do. The docs apparently think he's one of those old guys strapped into a recliner 18 hrs a day.
He's actually in better shape that some guys 10 or more years younger. But because of this snafu with the med devices and the effects of the original spinal injury which isn't being corrected by the incomplete status of the devices... he occasionally falls, because he has no sensation/control of one of his legs that gives out from under him. I think one of the falls dislodged the pain pump, and that's a problem that needs a surgical fix. Then there's the issue of FILLING the pump, which can't happen till he's "cleared" from the staph infection he picked up in the hospital... and in 3 months they haven't even taken a sample & TESTED it. So, the only pain medication he can take is oral; and you know how the rules/regs of those pharmaceuticals have made life difficult for people with chronic pain.
Because he's a VA patient, it's not like he can just go to a different doctor or hospital too. They have to pre-approve EVERYTHING. Logistical nightmare. And loads of drama.
So far, I'm not getting too sucked into that. There is little I can do to help; I do that... and let him figure out how to get the care he's supposed to be getting. It's a tad frustrating for me; I don't like feeling helpless. But in this case, I actually am helpless to help him. All I can do is hear him out, care, and let him know I'm still here.
And all of his possible medical options depend on the decision of the Navy (two months overdue) as to whether they want to recall him to active duty.
It's starting to feel to me, like he might be out of reach. That my understanding of the worst case scenario - never seeing him again - might end up being the reality we deal with.
Hopalong:
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry, Amber.
I hope it's not true that he's out of reach. That would be a heartbreak neither of you needs.
But thank you for such a clear explanation of what he's dealing with medically.
Is there a VA facility near you? If so, is it not possible that once all this stuff DOES get sorted, he'd be able to access ongoing care there?
Hugs and comfort,
Hops
lighter:
Oh, no. I'm so sorry the medical stuff, and decision to recall B or not recall B is so up in the air.
If he were to get recalled, what would that look like? I mean, would he be training people on a base? Could you visit, and spend time with him?
I don't understand. It's not like they'd send him out of the country with his medical issues... right?
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I don't understand the ins/out of VA insurance and how that works Hops. But there is an arrangement where vets can get care outside of those hospitals. And his medical devices definitely puts him in that category; problem comes up where only certain hospitals/docs are "approved" and the patient has to jump through 100 hoops and wait forever to even get a second opinion. Sigh. The bureaucracy in gov't is now so big & complex that entropy has set in and is definitely affecting effectiveness of "mission".
Martinsburg is the closest VA hospital; and their record is awful. BUT the Valley Health system is partnered with them, in Winchester. And their care/docs is pretty GOOD. First hand knowledge there.
Lighter, IF recalled it's going to cost the Navy a LOT of money (back pay, is required; and in his case that's over 20 years). Yes, he'd likely be a trainer. And according to him, in 6 mos he'd be eligible for full retirement. So it wouldn't be a long haul. But given his current medical snafu - he couldn't even be cleared for training duty. So WHY don't they just go on and release him already; why drag their feet??? Another former military friend suggested that B's specialty is so valuable to the Navy right now; that that's why they're even considering it. (I already knew he was special - LOL)
So; my feelings about all this. They've been roller-coastering again; pureed to a smooth consistency. There's been LOTS of drama attached to B's life and while he is in the process of separating himself from it all... it seems, like always, when you try to let something go is when it reaches the height of intensity. And some of that, is because he has old deep wounds (nonphysical) that heighten the impact of certain kinds of daily life stresses. At least, that's what I've distilled out from sitting with his descriptions and my feelings... and his reactions too. I guess he came to the right place; I wouldn't know ANYTHING about how our mental lens can make things like that appear bigger than they really are....... :rolleyes: LOL
Obviously there are some other things that take precedence before we can even talk about that. Yesterday he found out that one office didn't transmit ALL the information required to another office by the deadline (VA determined) for him to start having this pain pump filled. The pain has finally caught up to him and he hasn't been able to sleep or work this week. Spinal injuries always involve nerve pain. Now, the paperwork snafu, means he will have to wait a whole 'nother MONTH, for things to line up again. MEANWHILE, there are absolutely NO other pain relief options open to him except massive doses of ibuprofen. And he can't not work for a month. It's been 3 months since his surgery and the low dose the pump was filled with at time has now degraded/run out. It will start alarming soon, on top of everything else.
And this is how vets fall through the cracks of the "system". (Tupp probably knows how others do too.)
I'm not B's wife; nor his health POA. I can't advocate for him or follow up with these people. I can only suggest to him, ways to get past the roadblocks. Fortunately, he's not passive about all this. But he might be just a tad too the opposite - very aggressive - which I can understand, but doesn't contribute to generating cooperation, coordination, or results. LOL. So I've been looking at herbal alternatives for things. He's very open to that, if it helps. So that's one way I can "do something" and maintain a more positive outlook.
It just feels like we're having to climb mountains, cross oceans, and fight tooth & nail to get our way clear to just BEING together for a few days. It's discouraging; I succumb and think the worst. But he's not at ALL like Mike in this respect. And if I can stand back long enough to let him get his head clear... he goes to work on it. Carefully, methodically and with great focus and precision.
This is what I mean by we're moving into way deeper levels of relationship, out of sync with the chronology of feeling that there is a potential for this level of connection. Some of it is very new experience for me and all my past relationship experience is totally irrelevant to this present one. One the one hand - I CAN see all this very clearly, but it sometimes feels like I'm blindfolded. And all I can do is TRUST. It's very "weird" - in all the connotations and meanings of the source of that word.
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