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2019 Farm Life

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sKePTiKal:
Boy was that a ramble (above). More clearly stated, we both pulled back and re-evaluated what needs to happen and how it can be possible. Throughout the day yesterday - B worked through all of his plans (a, b, & onwards) to get the result he wants. There is one last thing; and he's holding that back for a week, to see if all the other people/offices he is relying on, follow through. Then, that tactic gets deployed. He refuses to give up; as he should. Getting these devices all settled down and functioning the way they're supposed to is the ONLY thing standing in the way of him having a really active, decent quality of life.

And then we spent the evening texting silly things to each other. He makes me LAUGH like no one else has; he's so terribly smart underneath that reserved simple country-boy demeanor. He knows when to stop feeling sorry for himself, even under the cloud of constant pain, before it turns to self-pity -- and he won't let me over-empathize either. He's definitely conscious of how what he lives with affects me - and works extra hard to make sure I know he's got it covered. And it seems, I'm the one that has to reassure him, instead, that I can deal with MY crap just fine by myself too. And we've only really butted heads once, over that kind of thing. And then sorted it out.

The only thing that comes up and bugs me a lot - is that he isn't HERE to touch; hear his voice; see the look in his eyes or how he's moving this day. And that's just the way it has to be right now. DUMB THOUGHT - just passed through my head maybe coz of Lighter's new thread - this relationship is almost growing in reverse to what I went through with releasing Mike. The physical/spirit energy absence... but still feeling connected & love... is the phase I'm in now. Guess I'll be sitting with that in the bobcat today, moving buckets of shale to the barn, to cover my drain pipe.

Hopalong:
Wild thought.

Have you ever considered abandoning the farm for three months to go be with Buck?

Hmmm. Cwazy.

Hops

lighter:
Going to see Buck for 2 weeks?  4?

A week even?

Just to reconnect, touch, and feel his smile on your face.

And maybe take old bottles of pain pills if they're laying around?

I never finish pain meds.  I keep them in case I smash a finger or something like that.  There are some on the island, bc you just never know.

Why can't B get his own oral prescriptions for nerve pain IN HIS F'in SPINE for Pete's sake?  He shouldn't have to suffer.  Why would anyone have to suffer like that when all these pain meds are prescribed like crazy these days?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Hmmm. Yes, I believe I've mentioned the difficulties scheduling the beach trip. And there are a plethora of personal reasons why he doesn't want me just showing up there. Like, the now 18 yr old daughter that he's tried so hard to keep on the straight & narrow; (he doesn't want to give her any reason to question why he's been so strict, but having different standards for himself - especially about her choice in boyfriends; which got her in trouble skipping class at the end of last year) his ex-wife who only NOW is interested in the D and as usual, is angling for the remaining financial commitments documented in their divorce agreement. And the ex is trouble. Mentally, emotionally, socially, and even in his business dealings. They've been divorced 18 years. Telling her no, has been counterproductive. She finds some other ways to make him miserable, even in just short visits with the D. He confides his anxiety and resistance and disgust at having to share the same space with her. I can relate. I feel exactly the same about Hol's Dad, even more years later, still. But I also know from that experience, it takes two to tango. He can't be totally innocent & blameless; even if it's only a matter of having unrealistic expectations. He participated. Made choices.

So the story goes. (insert one raised eyebrow emoji here) Ye olde "Skeptical" is positive there is more to this story that I haven't heard yet. Sensitive male ego, perhaps; a deep emotional wound, probably; betrayal for sure. And the massive complexity of still being "owned" by the US Gov's military and at the mercy of today's medical "system". And having lived through my parent's god-awful messy and catastrophic divorce, including me being collateral damage because of it... I wait for the bits of story to come out and only gently question. I know better than to trample that boundary and demand a full-accounting. But I also understand that leaves me wide open to being deceived; even if it's for harmless intentions (like trying to protect me from his mess to deal with) it's still indicative of shaky trust.

So, I DO ask questions. I do express my wish to just look into his actual eyes, not just a picture. I do accept that in many ways, he's shy. Fearful of being judged; criticized; perhaps holding some shame. But I stay on my side of that boundary. And protect my side of it. I've informed him of the same. I have to; no one else will do so. And he knows I need to know exactly what might come back to haunt him later.

So, because he certainly has justifiable reason to fear that if ex finds out about me and my financial situation... she will insert nose and start making demands and creating trouble. My discomfort about this notwithstanding, he is treading very carefully to be able to keep me "under wraps"; not even his D knows - because she's been trained to not lie and therefore doesn't hold up under direct questions. All she knows is that when she starts college, Dad is starting over somewhere else. Financial commitments to ex fulfilled and clear of anything in his past - to the best of his ability - that might create a problem in the future. (Nope; I don't have that full list yet.) He's not abandoning the D, just waiting till things are situated the way he wants to tell her everything. I think he's been a little over-protective of her but everyone parents differently.

Since there isn't anything in his background check that gave me pause, I can only assume that most of this is stuff that's dripping poison from an old wound emotionally, that hasn't healed yet. Completely. Mostly military related, too. I know how our brains can amplify things like that, and make them seem to be greater sins than they actually are.

So, yes.... a complicated man. Complicated situation. Entanglements in drama that isn't even mine; and I'm happy enough to stay out of it and not make things worse by donning my superhero cape. I think he's always going to need his own space to deal with his own stuff his way, too. His whole life has gone that way. That's an important data point for me. For staying on my own path, sharing what we share... and remaining individuals.

Hopalong:
This all sounds extremely wise to me, Amber.

When his D moves out of the nest (she lives with him now?) it'll be much easier for a path to clear.

It sounds as though his toxic ex needs to know NOTHING about your existence until he is fully and entirely clear of her, financially. Ew, ew. And how wise of you to recognize unfinished business when you see it or smell it. Whatever his contribution, it's his sticky web to disassemble. I'm just sorry you have to wait, when you could use his company and presence now.

So frustrating as it is, I understand why you're not venturing into that space. Sounds like it's mined.

Hugs
Hops

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