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sKePTiKal:
Indeed Hops. I lived through my own toxic messes; I don't need to involve myself in his. He has told me, volunteered actually, the details. It hasn't come out all at once; and I'm OK with that. This narrative started the weekend he was here; back in June. Now, I have opinions of course, about why after 18 years of divorce he is still dealing with this... but those aren't terribly important; and don't change the facts of the situation at all.

He kept the house, with the obligation to split sale proceeds later on, to provide a home for the daughter he raised by himself. Then, there is the health insurance. When you're a divorced parent there is a sense of being locked into having some form of relationship or contact - for the child's sake. Limited contact kind of best describes that situation. Unfortunately, she feels that entitles her to stick her nose in his life... and criticize and judge... and make life melodramatic and problematic for him. He is counting the days until he can go no contact, completely. I fully understand how stressful that kind of forced relationship is. So, I'm practicing a lot of listening skills... LOL. Letting him vent and only rarely do I make suggestions about strategies for him, in dealing with her. He seems to manage pretty well; has good coping skills; but he gets frustrated, upset, and angry just like anyone would. He manages all those feelings himself; the most I do is listen & just talk about mundane daily stuff... and often that's all it takes for him to cheer up a little; not take so much on himself - but he still takes responsibility for his past decisions and knows he has to see this out to the absolute end... selling the house, closing the bike shop business and getting the daughter moved into a dorm. Not to mention, get the docs to finish up the process of bringing his medical devices into full functioning calibration. I have mentioned he doesn't need to take the abuse she doles out, but he feels it's his karma until the very last day.

He's kinda bionic that way. LOL. As for my desperate impatience to spend time with him, he's already told me he has the advantage there because of all the deployments; sometimes months or years long. He's used to long-distance relationships. It's not permanent; and all good things come to those who wait. So that's just the way things are, unless or until a couple things on his list finally get resolved. Then maybe we can sneak away somewhere together. I would even be content waiting - if he could just resolve the medical stuff. I'd know he was feeling better and back up to his normal energizer bunny activity level.

So, I'm taking out my frustrations on my own list. I'm just about done with the drainage at the barn. I'll have to finish up by hand. Then I've got to do some maintainance on 2 mowers; mow the field one more time - and start discing the garden beds. We have 4 geese now in the pond field, keeping the few chickens company. Hol will bring some more birds over next week.

We have wood to finish splitting and stacking and there is ALWAYS brush to weedeat, prune or cut. Speaking of which, I still need to clean up the stove after the first fire I had last week. Except for that and laundry - I'm not doing ANYTHING today except go pick up Matthew. We'll hit it again Monday.

lighter:
I don't like you having be kept "under wraps" Amber.  I don't like it at all.

At the same time, I don't like what PDs DO with information. 

I get both angles  They both make me uncomfortable.

I have to tell you... I am completely lost with regard to B's relationship with his ex of 18years.  Was she pregnant when they divorced?  Do they share living space or work space or live in a compound?

Forgive me if you explained this.  I forget.

Lighter

 

Hopalong:
You sound really sane, mature and REALISTIC, Amber.

B sounds like somebody who's still in a kind of psychological dance with ex....BUT, since his daughter is 18 now, legally adult and about to exit the nest (she lives with him? her mom?) ... this has a short shelf life.

I think you'll hold on and hold steady until and unless you run out of patience. Just warn him when you feel that's coming. You're not there yet.

And, he's clearly taking steps and making plans and doing the best he can to make it happen as soon as it reasonably can.

I hope for a rendezvous for you two, as soon as it's realistic to arrange.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
It's OK Lighter. It's complicated. So I understand how you might not be able to keep things straight. The D was adopted; ex ended the relationship (for all intents & purposes) on the way to pick up said infant girl. Divorce followed shortly thereafter. The ongoing "relationship" since then involves legal entanglements that aren't done until he sells the house - and parenting. She seems to believe that he's going to always be available for taking out her frustrations on. LOL.... we'll see about that. He seems to have weathered the ongoing abuse pretty well; he's pretty intact after all those years. But until this year, he was staring at a solitary life till the end of his days - and he was resigned to that. Obviously, that's changed. And he's back in defensive mode again. He has hopes to protect.

Hops - nine more months and counting. There isn't going to be ANY man my age who doesn't have what I call "baggage" to deal with. Or scars of some sort. He is working hard to make this go smoothly - and to be able to make a clean getaway, without any loose ends that will come back to haunt him. I have to give him that space, while we're still friends and getting to know each other thoroughly. Meanwhile, I'm working hard here to settle my business estate; insure Hol's future... and her independence... and get her house built. She's working hard around the farms; to the point she's not sure she even needs a gym. LOL.

We had become friends years ago online. Then the phone calls started; he being concerned about the level of my distress over Mike and throwing me a lifeline. Someone to talk to in the middle of the night. All while keeping a "proper" distance. And things went back the other way during the last 2 years of medical nightmare with him. He counted; he's had 23 surgical appts (not actual surgeries; some follow ups or dealing with bad results) in the last 2 years. And things like that make it sound like he's a basket case physically. But I can guarantee you he's NOT. Yes, he deals with constant pain; and sometimes - like now - it's terrible. Because it's been 3 months since his pain pump was installed and it still hasn't been filled. The oral painkillers simply don't help much because the pump drips morphine directly into his spinal column; so it's never exactly in his bloodstream - it's sent directly to the nerves. The docs had ONE JOB to do; and they need to finish it.

As far as the ex, he lives with my baggage too and the echoes of Mike's and my relationship. He handles that way more gracefully than I'd expect a new guy to be able to do. I'm not going to interfere with what he thinks is necessary to "make her go away; go away mad but just go away". But he's already been warned, that I will be involved if she shows her face - or other body parts - if we do decide to walk along together, in 9 months. SOP for me and I guarantee she won't like me a bit. Mama Tiger is built-in to my psyche.

So, it's 9 months till we really get to the starting line. AND THEN, we'll make decisions.* Meanwhile, these kinds of details of our lives are getting shared; stories told; emotional ups & downs learned; we're leaning on each other getting through difficult days (or nights) and making each other smile and laugh. We're doing all the "daily checkins, and chit-chat" that couples do. Neither of us is facing our lives alone anymore. Even if we're not together. Thank god for cell phones. LOL. Still, I think I'm going to write him weekly letters.

*This is his plan, based on what he's trying to resolve and get UNtangled from... and it is wise. I understand why he wants that. It's not a controlling thing or a power play. I know he wishes things were different too. But they're not so we do what we have to. I think I can give him patience on my part despite my innate motivation to "make things just so".

lighter:
OK.  Thanks for providing clarity.

One more question.

What space is Buck sharing with the ex, if any?

I'm in no way judging, but I am trying to understand just how complicated his situation is.  I thought dd18 went to visit her mom somewhere else,  then came back to Buck?

Selling a house, in both parties names, will be a nightmare, IME. Hopefully B just has to sell, then give ex a certain amount of money, like my dad did with my mother 20 years after their divorce.

I get that. 

Lighter

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