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2019 Farm Life

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sKePTiKal:
Thanks Tupp; it's appreciated.

One of the horoscopes I had cast, mentioned that we would both have dependencies on the other but that it wasn't unhealthy dependency. Rather it was devotion. The meanings are so different - in the emotional world - aren't they?

I'm looking at that. Another thing mentioned that I've been watching for - but not trying to create - is that we each nurture a lot of emotional and intellectual and spiritual growth in the other. This aspect is more in the potential category. And we will both require a lot of individual space and freedom within any "relationship"; perforce making our relationship extremely non-traditional. I think I'm up for that, since I mapped those terms out for him when he was here in June and I decided to leap. I think he's the type of person that can honor that; whether because of past experience or disillusionment or just the way he is. Time will tell, of course.

Hmmm. Different brains - different realms of activity - in my lexicon, that would be being alive on many different levels all at the same time.  I guess that's one way of quantifying what "not being stuck" is. I guess that's why I need such absolute downtime to recharge sometimes.

Hopalong:
You absolutely deserve your absolute downtime, (((Amber))).

It's wonderful that you are defending that again.

And I believe you that you don't feel enmeshed with Hol.

You're sorting out a lot of stuff and serenity is your right.

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Perception is an odd thing in the combustible feelings around here.

My perceived right to expect some participation in the ongoing chores around here, along with being aware of what others are doing on my property (which have large impacts)... is seen as "OCD, being controlling" by the people in question. (talking about Steve & indirectly Hol who excuses him and tries to cover for him)

Uh.... no it's not. And I'm not wearing that label, either. Sorry.

Even if I do express my requirements and wishes in a sort of heavy-handed fashion.

Another issue, that is functionally difficult, is that I'm not allowed to finish my thoughts. I speak very slowly, when I'm carefully choosing my words so as not trip one of the combustible fuses... and most of the time, I'm being interrupted and talked over, before I can even finish a sentence. I've tried the "talking stick" method. Take the stick - and only you can talk until the stick is passed on. She talked over me, and I wacked her with it. LOL. (enforcing boundaries, anyone? LOL) (This is Hol.)

She almost always talks over me. And refuses to allow me my own perception and definition of situations. And yet - I know this is the furthest thing from what she really wants. It feels very much like she is processing out what she experienced in a bad, one-way relationship... by switching roles and doing the same thing she suffered, to me. Lately, I've just been walking away from that. Because my other (old) ways of coping with that kind of thing are terrible for me.

She isn't really hearing my more subtle observations that perhaps this is an extension of her old temper tantrum behavior, because (at that time) she wasn't talking yet. Now she's extremely verbal - but sees herself as unable to access the language of emotions. We have discussed that some, calmly. I think she does really well; but then, for almost 10 years, when she talked about her feelings - she wasn't heard or believed and/or the feelings were dismissed as unimportant or "crazy". She sees that as an inability on her part to express herself. Sigh.

As I talk about H and describe what's going on, it's important to remember that she really doesn't want to be this way. This isn't her motivation, at heart. She is trying to untangle her own ball of yarn, like we have years ago, and figure out how to change herself. And she flails a good bit in the process - hitting extremes and slowly settling back to a more steady space. I think there is a huge characteristic of her current relationship which is fueling a lot of this. But her excuse is: that's just the way he is. She's using his mother's death - 10+ years ago - as a "trauma" excuse for his way of being self-absorbed, entitled to his own agendas and not participating actively in the life here on the farm. Beyond work - he doesn't involve himself in sharing ideas, discussing ours, or anything else. His basic needs are met here and everything else he just goes his own way and does his thing. His body is here - but he is not. At all. Ever.

THAT, IMO, is the real problem here. And maybe that's just because I'm on the outside looking at only the surface of things. But my intuition and deeper observations are rather more validating that opinion. I also see her taking on some of his attitudes and habits -- that are decidedly not healthy for her. (While assuming blame/responsibility for feeling the anxious, negative things she feels in the relationship - as "her problem". My reaction to that, is now wait just a damn minute... you're not allowed to believe in your own perceptions/feelings about being "left out" because he just does his own thing?? How is that YOUR problem?)

Mom is currently persona non grata about observations, knowledge & wisdom. Experience in relationships and with different types of them. Right. But her friends are pointing out exactly the same things to her... and she is listening to them, more than me. IMO, that's because I'm defending my rights as property owner - and that's a power-trip in her mind; perhaps power struggle too. When I've brought up that I feel like a prisoner in my own home - and that this isn't how I envisioned things going when I invited her to stay (when she didn't have a live-in SO; it WASN'T) - she does hear me and I think is simply confused about how to go about either making things work better - or what she WANTS in the way of change.

Buck's explanation of what's going on with her, is rather more negative about Steve. He admits he doesn't have a high opinion of a lot younger guys these days, though. (He works with a lot of them, through the VA programs, trying to teach them skills.)

So I'm giving her space. I'm glad her friend John is here - because even though I'm leaving her be, she still needs that external stimulation of other people and this is my time to just chop wood, carry water and sleep. I'm trying to make some decisions about the holidays; depending on how Hol's DUI court date goes, I could be left here at home with the house guests & two dogs while she serves her jail sentence for the duration and through her birthday. We won't know until the court date. I'm not at all sure I want to do much of anything unless Buck can be around - and he's not religious either. I did have lunch with my friend Deb, over the mountain for birthdays. To catch up; it's been months since I could guarantee her a guest room here - that's how many people have been in/out here. My space has been full of her friends. And only John is good about keeping me updated as to his plans and helping out around here.

Hopalong:
Oh, (((((Amber))))).

I am feeling sorrow because my gut-take is that you are being overrun.
And that's not okay.

NO QUESTION that you love your daughter and forgive her ongoingly.
But she really has felt entitled to take up, use, share, open up YOUR SPACE to her own boundary-rambling life.

And that's a hell of a lot for you to deal with.

I'm feeling sad about this. I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way of setting limits on visitors.

An Open Door policy may not be serving you, and it might also contribute to your being taken advantage of.

Would that she would be off to take up a new professional gig.

love
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops; there are indeed days I feel like that. Yeah, I don't do well with that one particular attitude at my place - entitlement. But on the other hand, I don't want to make her feel like a teenager living at mom's, either. So, we're trying to figure that out. I tend to give as good as I get though; so it's in her interest to not upset me by planning or doing things without at least letting me know or consulting me for MY plans.

Hol & I had a good talk yesterday and sorted some more out on one of the biggest issues, which is this guy she's sorta got a relationship with. Her friend John who's been here, in between east coast explorations has been more useful, contributing, productive, easy to be around and get along with... without any angst or drama. Difference in people is pretty stark some times.

We use humor and some really dumb things to break the seriousness of the tension. I have some small baskets hanging on the wall. They're hung with the backs out. She will on occasion, turn them around - and not say anything. Just wait for me to notice or turn them back. LOL. Autonomy & volition; power struggle made silly. So, it's not ALL awful, ALL the time. The difference is I didn't have to deal with any of this, living alone. And the fun of having company has definitely worn off.

She'll be working in DC most of this week, and John's taking off again too. Steve is booked pretty solid for work through the holidays and isn't here. Hut construction is moving right along; septic tank gets set & buried today. The decking for the main floor will be set today; I expect the concrete slab in the walkout level to get poured this week, if the temperature doesn't make that impossible (we have some cold yucky weather coming in). Then the forms will also be going up for the main floor walls. I imagine the solar, HW heater, and all that kind of stuff will get done in the next few weeks and the roof start to go up, too. The doors & windows will probably happen early in December. (Remember, I'm not doing ANY of that work. Just occasionally taking pictures and helping coordinate when needed; and paying invoices.)

I don't know that Hol has decided just how much of the interior she's going to do herself; or have the guys do. I think she's just as eager to get moved in there as I am to get her moved OUT of my house. I do know that will make things easier for everyone.

I've been trying to wrap my head around the usual holiday obligations ahead of time; my friend Debbie says she's done shopping already!!! Amazing. I just feel like I need to "get it done" and not have to worry about it so I can spend time on the more fun stuff. Even if that's just reading & sleeping & dreaming up next year's "stuff".

I dunno why anyone is ever afraid that "retirement" will be boring. LOL.
-----------------------

I have never lived with other people - beyond my SOs. Yes, we had company at the beach but no one stayed much past a week. I have never lived alone either - and it does have it's downside when it comes to getting things done. I much prefer sharing space with only one other person.

So, I've been telling Buck about all this. It's not quite "the relationship talk", but it helps. He's been alone longer than I have. And he's had the same problem with being able to go off and do his thing, independently from his ex's... as I had with Mike. Of course, there were deployments too. Some of them stretched years. So we may be pretty compatible this way on this (for me) important aspect of being together, but not being VELCRO'D together.

The day he arrived to work on my jeeps, back in June - I found myself in the kitchen getting lunch ready. Doing the whole traditional farm wife thing. And this crazy huge smile popped out on my face... all was right in my world; the guy I needed to feed was what was missing around here. And he was in his element too - fixing things and being useful and busy.

It's apparent to me - that even though we've only actually been together those few hours - that we already know each other better than Hol & Steve do. I can predict how he will react to things; and while he surprises me every now & then with bits & pieces of who he is... I already know the important stuff. We spend a LOT of time talking to each other. Being emotionally open & vulnerable sometimes too.

Our connection is a mystery though. There is a huge amount of telepathy that exists between us. The other one always reaches out when one of us is going through something. I'll pick up the phone a nanosecond before he's texting me. LOL... and I'm the only person he texts on a regular basis. I could probably concoct some sappy romantic mystical narrative about what that connection is, why it exists... but I find I don't really want to. I'm much more interested in just experiencing it and learning about it as it happens. Discovery versus explanation.

I am still hopeful that the medical snafu gets solved soon. Still doing a lot of waiting there.

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