Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
Still groggy this morning. I've been fighting a head cold/sinus bug since I started being able to talk about this "looming boogeyman" that may very well be just a mirage I noticed in my peripheral inner vision.
Went to town yesterday with Hol, to do appliance shopping for the Hut, and meet my friend Deb for lunch and give her an early Christmas present. Definitely got too hot in the stores; sore and bored & out of patience with looking at fridges & stoves & washer/dryers. We went to a smaller, local appliance store after lunch. The kind with real sales people. And this guy who put up with Hol & engaged her (leaving me to sit and close my eyes - LOL) served the very important purpose of helping her determine what mattered most to her in the decision making process. She purchased a washer/dryer... and has narrowed down her decision on the stove/fridge and left with a catalog to finalize that decision. Everything will get delivered together by the end of the year. The nice thing about the local store is they always have service/maintenance guys available - that they've trained. They care about their relationship with customers more than "moving product". It makes shopping for the important items in a house much more pleasant.
This antibiotic doesn't seem to be making any impact on the infection at the pump. If anything, things look worse right now. There are a couple more days to go in this course of A/Bs. His T has given B the official VA go-ahead to request a second opinion (at a completely different hospital) from the surgeon - who at this point, wants to remove the whole pain contraption system AGAIN... which as far as B is concerned isn't going to happen. T even reminded B he can say no. The new lawyer called to see how B was doing after the last ER visit, when he finally got an Rx - on a SUNDAY. Lawyers don't work weekends and don't think to follow up with clients unless they're super interested in the case. I was shocked & impressed; B was also appreciative of the concern. He hasn't gotten much from the people he's been dealing with lately.
B has also been "sucking it up" and pushing onwards towards the changes in his life. He has to completely move out of his rented shop space, because the building is being torn down. He's on a countdown of days now. I've tried hard to not yell at him for doing too much - instead just reminding him it's OK to rest when he's tired or the pain is ramping up. Then letting him do what he feels he must. I still feel that the unavoidable stress in his life is contributing to the infection's virulence and persistence. But honestly, for him to completely shut down and spend weeks non-active would be even more stressful for him. My lips are zipped and my fingers all taped together...
Some of the anxiety and confusion of the past week is lifting. So I'm tempted to think there isn't anything serious here to pay attention to... but it's not the first time it's haunted me and chances are it won't be the last either. So I'm starting to see it as part of the process - part of this phase of the journey. I've learned about the immense power and usefulness of "going slow" through tai chi - and what it opens up for me is deeper "seeing". More, new awareness.
NOT being with him, getting swept up in the visceral chemistry and swirl of the "dance"... is kind of the same thing as going slow. It opens a space to get all this up from the depths, a place to add the post-its to the wall and rearrange them into a different order - discard the ones that no longer relevant -- let's me process in full, what I'm feeling, thinking, the stuff that is happening in each of our lives and seeing how the other fits into that soap-opera; where we can help each other grow and avoids the casual, inevitable misunderstandings that occur when two people who don't know each other spend time together. We are developing a context for who the other is - how they grew this way.
So I guess, because I am (at the moment) looking more inward, more intuitively - and LESS intellectually; trying not to over-think and just "let it be" - I guess it's inevitable that all the hard things & places would show up and need to find a new place on my wall of mental "post-its"... it doesn't need to be managed or created; just felt. Where does "this" naturally belong now... that kind of thing.
lighter:
It feels like finding the right antibiotic is a pressing and urgent priority.
I wonder what exactly the second opinion doc at the other hospital is SAYING about his reasons for removing the pump. Is there infection inside the contraption that will be difficult or impossible to eradicate? Is it the reason there's an infection in the first place?
B needs a doctor on his team who can deal with the infection, and get on board with keeping that pump in place. It seems like the docs who put it in don't want him to keep it, and are more concerned with passing the the buck on what caused the infection... no pun intended.
Who's on Buck's team? Who's going to help him heal, and get that pump in gear?
IS there anyone, at all, at the VA who's able and willing to do that?
Lighter
Hopalong:
buuuuut...
is it also possible that the doc who wants to remove/replace the pain pump has valid evidence-based reasons?
I know docs and the medical system (much less the VA) make mistakes, but I don't chalk those up to indifference.
FWIW...more tomorrow, got a bit o' wine head at the mo'....
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Those questions are all premature at the moment, ladies. His appt to ASK for the 2nd opinion is this afternoon.
Yes, we already know there's a more effective antibiotic - but he's anaphylactically allergic to it. It's deadly for him. NO, there really isn't an MD or VA official advocating for him. He's asked. His T seems to be the only one with any empathy for his determination to get well against the obstacles he's faced/is facing.
And he is also trying to do as much to accomplish that himself as he can. He is sensitive to my feelings of what he knows I lived through with Mike. But I am allowed to do some useful things. I help distract him - with plans, thoughts, remodelling ideas, daily life stuff at the farm - so he has a chance to keep his head in the positive and not be drowned by the negatives. We explore each other - through little games and are "doing the dance" of relationship on a daily basis, albeit long distance. The comfy, established couple stuff. I've been able to help keep him functional with my herbal knowledge - and pocketbook for said herbs - and he's currently got a new tincture which is supposed to help with infection. I didn't want him to start that until this current course of ABs had a chance. If anything that pump area looks MORE infected after the AB.
I have theories about the infection - mostly based on a lot of medical research on these pain management systems. But without a conscientious and caring physician to follow up, test, and eliminate possibilities in a search for a solution... those can only be speculation. Every now and then, we'll get one new little piece of hard data to fit somewhere in what we both know about all this. (He's an amazing mechanical troubleshooter/problem solver... so this is another collaborative good fit for us.)
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Holly Hut is moving right along. As things stand at the moment - it looks like the contractor is going to meet his tentative deadline of having the exterior closed in by Christmas. Hol is starting to buy appliances and has been tasked with assembling the racks for the solar panels by the end of this week. Once that system is installed, the guys shouldn't need to keep hauling their huge generator out here.
Whatever was going on between us - has resolved. We've each figured out what we were doing, adjusted, and are getting along just fine.
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John returns from more travels tomorrow and we've been collaborating on Turkey Day menus. Grocery store run today. Haircut Wed... and we also have hunters around all this week - Ronnie, Rick, Albert & their boys.
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Whatever that thing was that came up - it seems like it was just a momentary revisiting; a checklist review/reminder of things to pay attention to (along with everything else) internally. So maybe just a self check-in? It's receded a lot, even though today is the day 4 years ago, I woke up to tend Mike's needs for the day completely unaware that he would be gone by 5 pm. Those feelings seem to be at peace now.
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And my cold is finally getting better. That helps too.
It's helped me see, also - that because Buck manages a lot of pain everyday, it magnifies his feelings about the little life stuff that always comes up for people. Like the straw and camel's back kind of thing. He's hanging on and plodding forward as much as possible.
Well, the dogs are out of food and I have baking items to retrieve from the store... so must be about my business!
Ta-ta... and when I have some down time, I'll go more in depth on this stuff and catch up with everyone else.
Twoapenny:
It sounds like a whole load of loose ends and unresolved issues kind of untangled themselves a bit, Skep, and just sort of settled down? It's weird but sometimes I think it feels like problems and issues kind of send out messages about themselves and some sensitive type people sort of pick up on it all and it starts to add up. And then things just kind of settle and even out a bit again. Thank goodness.
I'm glad that you have your herbs and plenty of research to at least keep some possibilities up in the air. I think nothing at all is hard to cope with. A bit of information, even if it's not certain, is something, at least. It's good that you and Buck kind of fit together like that. I'm so appalled that there's no-one that can just take charge of the situation and get on with it, though. Such an appalling way to treat people and so unnecessary. So I hope he gets some clearer answers before too much longer xx
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