Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
lighter:
You sound busy, and engaged, Amber.
B's lucky to have you on board, fighting the good fight, and caring for him the way you do.
Mike would be glad you're not stuck in sadness, and mourning. He'd be happy you're moving ahead, and building a life with someone you care about.
Wow... just imagine what he'd think about all you've done. The Holly Hut, farm, and what you've let go of... the beach house and cabin, so you can focus on what's important. Big decisions.
And this journey of self-discovery you're on. He'd be so amazed and amused to see you setting a course, and sailing it like you have.
Maybe he's waiting to see what you do next.
I know I am.
Have fun planning TG dinner, Amber.
Lighter
Hopalong:
With all of these currents swirling, pragmatic and emotional, I think you're doing amazingly well, Amber.
The anniversary of Mike's year of retreat and later death seems like such a resonant prequel of things that may NOT happen with B, but things that you could so easily fear at unexpected moments. (I see that in M sometimes, reflecting to his loss of his wife a bit over a year ago.) I think I'd be in a perpetual waterspout over this stuff.
What I admire is your incredible ability to look at all the waterspouts but keep your head, keep swimming. And keep loving in spite of awareness of potential consequences. I think you're brave and smart and not self-sabotaging. You're doing your utmost best to keep moving while navigating a lot of weather.
Bravo, you. Much to be thankful for and I hope you feel some heart ease. Soon and lasting.
Hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Heart's ease is here Hops. Along with total chaos on the farm, multi-tasking my attention past the point of sanity (LOLOL) - it's happy chaos. Pleasant, compatibility, everything coming together.
I learned to TRUST deeply, through the experience with Mike and the decisions/work after. And I learned that YES, all things pass given enough time. "Stuck" is more a matter of choice or just giving up. We can always choose something else - and even if it doesn't turn out to be what we saw it being in our heart's dream - we have good things to experience in them and most of the time, "nothing bad happens". So there's no need to fear, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Yeah, I'm still excitable, easily thrown off balance, OCD to an extent. LOL. But I'm laughing about it more these days and not taking too much all that personally. That's been one of the keystone realizations for Hol & me, resolving our conflict. Drop that - and the actual meat of the conversation and difference of opinion is much easier to process and the conflict itself disappears.
BUSY around here right now - but all good stuff. I need a couple hours of "one thing at a time" - so I'm baking Thursday's dessert today - because I have a haircut over the mtn tomorrow - but then I'm only responsible for sweet potato casserole on Thursday. 3 cooks makes this a lot more manageable and all 3 of us work well in my tiny kitchen.
We knew what to expect from Buck's appt yesterday. The surgeon would pull "expert rank" and want to remove the pump. And that's what was communicated; his assistant intended to admit him yesterday and the surgeon was going to remove it. That wasn't going to happen without a huge fight. Buck had to tell them 3 times he wanted a 2nd opinion from a doc at a different hospital FIRST - and you'd have thought this was the first time that's ever happened. LOL. I found him 5 possibilities in 20 minutes online. And the hospital is saying they don't know anyone. I asked if the VA could help in this instance - and he'll check on that.
We started talking about how long we've been talking to each other - I think it's been like 5-6 YEARS now - and the last 3 of those years, he's been in the hospital EVERY. SINGLE. HOLIDAY. He said it hit him like a ton of bricks how old he felt; due to how long this crap has been going on - when it was supposed to be a one-time surgery. So I told him how amazingly strong he is, to me. He was denying that all the while saying he doesn't know any other way to be. (He was brushing off the fact that we've been circling closer together for all those years.) I gave him examples. It's not physical strength; it's strength of will, heart, intention. That's the strength I'm in awe of. I can even draw strength from how he does this; repeatedly. It's contagious that way.
We'll have the other conversation about time spent growing together, some other time soon. :D
But I MUST get myself in gear. Pumpkin cheesecake with praline/pecan topping waits for NO MAN. And it's an imperative for Thursday.
lighter:
GAH! I'm cooking a second TG dinner this year. I'm going to make the basics, and then kick back and play cards, and spoons with the girls and guests.
Your Pumpkin Cheesecake sounds amazing!
Oh ya.... when I think of Buck.... I think of intestinal fortitude and imminent victory.
He's tough stuff, like our late Amazon Izz.
Have you made him fur boots yet?
::nodding::
He's going to need boots.
::continued nodding::.
Uh-huh.
Have fun blowing up the kitchen!
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Many things happening on many levels for me...
LOTS of images from the Twiggy time frame popping up; related? unrelated? to now-things. Sometimes in dreams.
Buck is moving full-steam ahead looking for that 2nd opinion; but still facing & trying to deal with the ordinary life challenges in SPITE of everything. In good humor most of the time. We're halfway through that year.
Hol is starting to freak out over the upcoming DUI court date; I am of two completely opposite minds over that myself. I sympathize with her fears of spending any time in jail; but she did know ahead of time what she was risking when she made her decisions.
I am holding my breath about Thursday; former house guest is starting to flail again. Hol called in a wellness check on him, she was so concerned. But we are not engaging certain kinds of behavior from him anymore. Then, there are the various other drama-queens in our family that choose to lob bombs into a simple, relaxed holiday.
---------------
I've noticed something really ODD perceptually. Hol & I have been talking about it, exploring what all is involved. It's goofy and OCD... but (deep breath)...
I've noticed the "me" I see in a mirror looks very different than what a camera sees; and how I see myself from within my self - is different yet AGAIN. Now the objective artist in me, is scratching my head over "what's up with THAT?"
So, asking all the questions... am I just not photogenic like I've always believed?
Not exactly, I CAN take a decent** photo/selfie... so why is there a difference?
Is there a difference in depth of field?
Somewhat; a mirror has a physical limit of depth, based on the thickness of the glass. A camera almost always "flatten" depth, based on the focus point. Hmmmm. More science research might be required here.
In my mind's eye, I see a me that doesn't exist in the other two mediums - how much of that is how I feel about myself? What I want to project outwardly (and does that affect the photo images??) and conversely, perhaps is a bit of judgemental or past-based wishful thinking dysmorphia?
Talk about microscopic analysis!! LOLOL. None of that is terribly important to me. But I have wondered about this going all the way back to high school, when I saw a super-good photo of me in the senior yearbook. It is a strange phenomenon, truly a mystery.
I think for now, I'm leaning toward the explanation that how we feel about ourselves and "in" ourselves, conditions (somewhat) what we project outwardly - and therefore is reflected back in mirrors/photos. The old cliche about "beauty comes from within" might be true-er than makes actual sense, given some of the awful pictures that exist of me.
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