Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
Hopalong:
Lord love ya both.
Would you property allow a separate drive off yours to her place located literally out of sight of yours?
So the interactions could be fewer and the privacy better, and you wouldn't even be involved in comings and goings?
You mentioned house guest again...almost in a way that sounded like continued involvement? Yikes, hope not.
xxoo
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Yes, there's going to be separation and visual privacy between houses. As far as comings/goings - my drive is the main access to the back 40. No real good way to create a new road.
Hol is still being a friend and supportive of house guest. Will not be bringing him out here again. IF he's released by hospital, it's most likely going to be to a residential situation until they get him stable. He's still having panic attacks, which bring on the suicidal ideation again - even after he's been past it for a week or so. The hospital only provides medication on an as-needed basis (IIRC) so it could be he actually needs a) a consistent dose to stabilize and b) longer term therapy/support before being functional enough to re-enter his life.
If he is released out into the world again, on his own... Hol is helping him locate jobs, apartment/living arrangements and we'll likely gather up some household essentials for him. I'm no longer directly involved and have no desire to be. But I keep up with the news, because Hol is involved and there is still a tingle in the back of my spidey senses about this guy and her wanting to be helpful that bugs me. She assures me that's just my own anxiety talking; and perhaps she's right.
But the man CAN be suave, charming, and persuasive; seen it in action. And maybe that's the trigger I have to be cautious. Smooth talkers... often turn into controling, manipulative Ns. Even when they're in victim mode; maybe especially then.
lighter:
Amber:
The feelings around Hol's "house guest" just keep getting more and more..... dark.
He sounds like trouble, and nothing but trouble. Not worth the time she puts in. Not worth the risks of interacting with him, IME.
Forgive me if he's mentally ill, and requires drugs, but it's not Hol's problems to solve, even if she COULD solve it.
I wish we didn't have to learn these lessons the hard way, but we usually do.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Yeh, me too.
I fully don't understand her continuing rescue compulsion toward him. Hope she doesn't harm her growth too badly.
He was destructive to your serenity, exploitative of you both, and unfortunately, there's codependency going on.
I hope you can step back, not muse over his treatment, and not gather household items for him since he's no longer your charity. There are thrift stores in all communities.
Surely he will soon manipulate some other people into his needy web. Saddens me that through Holly, he's still taking up space in your head. I understand how it happens (remembering my codependent entanglement for two years with my severely alcoholic church friend) but....MY codependency would like to rescue YOU from the pattern.
Faceplant. Busted.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Oh, it's just something to talk about for me. He's definitely NOT in my head. And Holly has lots of other stuff going on right now - but she remembers to look in on him and she and I have talked a lot about "enabling" and how it's a real fine line between trying help, out of kindness - and enabling. How easy it is, to not know the difference ourselves, in our motives... and the effect on the other.
She has to figure it out for herself and is fully capable of extricating herself, setting boundaries, and preventing herself from getting in too deep. Her primary focus is her new Sweetie, Steve. She's been spending a LOT of time with him; he went to B'more with her and met Matt; and now, she's starting to get offers of work - one of which would take her to New Mexico long enough to shoot a movie. She's thinking about it... but no decision at this point. It would be a good resume builder.
Things are very slow here in the winter, except for cleaning up after weather. Each day is much like the one before it. Drives her to restlessness, and seeking any kind of external entertainment that is more fun, stimulating or interesting. She can enjoy solitude for awhile herself; recognizes the benefits. But it's not her normal pace of activity and has never been. She's very people oriented and genuinely cares about what's going on with them and enjoys them. They energize her.
Which is the opposite of me, pretty much. I do enjoy a lot of her friends - some of whom are more my age than hers. So, in the process of accomodating each other's natures - we're both intentionally bending a little, finding workarounds, and sometimes screwing it up. LOL. But this living together is a lot more successful than the first month looked like it was gonna be.
My mom-reflex is super-engrained however. She can get me to back off, with a sharp sarcastic comment... but it just doesn't stop, and I seem un-inclined to rein it in since I do really care about her. I have made some improvements though; I am trying. And she's right - she's over 40 and I don't need to say those silly reminder things Moms say automatically. She's kinda decided to just smile at me, wryly, and say: Yes, mom. LOL. That's working.
But that's kinda why we need separate houses. She doesn't need to be mom'd and I need to just have the space to deal with ME, and sort me out... without feeling old roles rise up... and start knocking off some more subliminal "can'ts" off my list. It's all good; we're just both over-analytical and have lots of time to think about things in a lot of detail.
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