Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
Hopalong:
Awwww, ((((Amber)))).
I remember the few times in my life I've blown up and raged
I've felt absolutely sick afterward. Sick to my soul.
If anything in my life takes me to that level of distress again,
something has to change.
I think despite all the love and solidarity and hopes you have
with Hol, in some ways for months and months you've also
felt overrun. It's a theme, it's consistent, it's almost always there.
Perhaps sometimes in some way you picture yourself as the
producer of a very complex production, and both its complexity and
responsibility you feel about it all coming off well just build and
build and build....and then you have prima donna who is beautiful
and brilliantly talented but also self-absorbed and careless at times,
and she has a shifting entourage that comes and goes....and the
acting is amazing, the drama is intense, the set is the best thing
since Rent, and the lights are blaring and the orchestra is warming
up and suddenly you realize you'd rather be a stagehand and if you
have to listen to ONE more tuba ONE more time you are going to
explode.
I hear you about boundaries. I think about them so much that I think
I'm doing a great job of drawing them. Couple-T the other day made
me suddenly realize I was drawing them in sand-colored thread draped over
sand, when it needs to be in thick dark marker on big white board.
Buck!!!! When you say move up his plans to "be here" does that mean
visit or does that mean join the crew, as in MOVE to the mountain?
I'm so excited about either for you. And concerned about the meltdown
and the boundary-necessity for it in your own home. You're right...with
age this shit gets positively life-threatening if such stress goes on too long.
I can testify that being subjected to repetitive emotional pressure or
deafness to my needs even by someone who loooooooooooooooves me
contributed to a stroke.
Big hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Thank you Hops. We go to court today for the DUI. After today, I'll have some more space to relax, rest, and think again. (Lawyer is supposed to be asking for a medical continuance until she can get in to see OB-GYN; her age is big factor in the new pregnancy.) Today is going to be tough coz she basically wants to spend all morning in town running errands and my stamina is IFFY. I'll also only have a phone and Buck has two appts today (finally getting that 2nd opinion I think) so I'll be glued to my phone.
I'm going to be telling myself to breathe all day.
lighter:
Amber:
Just tell Hol when you're tired, and need to sit for a bit. Find a coffee shop or restaurant... maybe with a fireplace, and tend to yourself as long as you need to.
Don't wait till you're shattered to ask if you can help it.
I hope Hol gets that continuance. It seems likely she will.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Continuance accomplished. There is yet more to do.
First, I guess my language descriptions haven't been all that descriptive. But at this point, it's not all that important... so moving on. I did rest last night; my sweetie - even though far away - helps. Hol wanted me to help debrief last night; after I'd already gotten nice and cozy, toasty, and comfy in bed. Told her no. She said all was well; it could wait.
The current pastime around here has been super intense analysis, overly critical naval-gazing, mixed with permissions, compassion, understanding... but a heavy dose of "YOU need to fix that; I can't do it for you." Whatever growth cycle Gen X is in now - I'm feeling more & more like I should just take a "hands off" position; get out of the way; and let them learn the hard way. But I also have to spell out some things around here. Specifically.
Every family or community has some basic agreements about activity, behavior, etc. Things held in common understanding and agreement. I've been entirely too casual about this, so the experience of being overwhelmed that I've been having, is partly my own fault. That said, I don't need a job either. So, I'll be working that out. Hol and I have already worked out quite a few things; it can be built on. It bridges totally different viewpoints of the world; practically two different cultures and gets below that to basic human things. She and I can do that; question is: can we teach others? How much do we want to take on?
Buck is currently engaged in actively seeking his second opinion on this pain pump & the consequent 2 yr infection. He's at that appt. as I type. He's gotten extremely active lately; some long-standing hurdles have been passed... and I think he's decided and accepted my acceptance of his decision. This isn't so much a romantic, fuzzy dream of anything idealized or subconscious emotional needs either. I'm realizing that we both operate very much in the real, concrete world... so we're doing the logistical, decision-making dance together. This is a very good sign to me.
There is a high level of affection, connection and caring - but I'm not seeing any of the things I worried about either. Boundaries are easily marked and maintained; we share an understanding of those. He's not dominating. We both have ideas and bounce them off each other. He's conscious of the fact that this physical separation is something I'm not used to, so he helps me deal with it. I'm able to help him with things too.
There's an old term; that kinda suits an "old people" relationship - "helpmeet". it's really kinda apt for our relationship. He's wrestled his ego, as much as I have and still do wrestle with mine. We simply don't hold too many illusions about ourselves, what we're capable of, or each other. Something that came up in one of the endless naval gazing conversations when I was talking about Buck, is that I always seem to have found the right man, for the right time in my life. None are/were perfect; but it worked. Maybe they found me, too.
I'm feeling really comfortable with this relationship, and the new phase it's shifting into. I'll let myself be excited later; once some major things on the list are in the past. I think we still have to work out the money thing and have a face to face about the disparity and general attitudes. But I think most of the "issues" there are mine. Recent misunderstanding shocked me, by how far off my reading/reaction was - based on past people/situations. That was kinda a "WOW" moment. I saw it; stopped/corrected/apologized. But I haven't explained. I probably don't need to. I didn't realize that it had bothered me so much in the past. I need to work on that more.
I guess that's informed my Christmas ideas this year too. I'm really OVER the excessive "stuff" gift-giving thing. Still giving A gift; something perhaps not of great import - but meaningful; and SIMPLE. We've got the menu all worked out; Mediterannean this year - featuring lamb. No pumpkin pie; Baklava.
I'm going to make a serious effort to get a "long winter's nap" in, in the next few weeks. Then I start planning, ordering, staking out garden. There is a bedroom remodel in my future soon, along with master bath. I only scratched the surface of playing with the space. Measuring. Thinking.
This current phase, too, shall pass.
lighter:
Amber:
You sound good. I don't understand some things you're writing about, but you seem centered and in control right now.
Did Hol receive another court date or is that up in the air right now?
Lighter
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