Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
sKePTiKal:
Well, he was lucid enough to call me. That's good news. They let him up from the heavy morphine long enough to eat (I hope). Got a text a few minutes ago that he thinks it's going to be tomorrow, but the morphine has started back up again and he hasn't been able to answer if he ate or not, yet. Surgery will happen tonight if it's a slow night in the ER.
I'm hanging in there; minding my own stuff. Fortunately there isn't a lot else going on around here the past couple days to now. I've had adequate sleep; good food; I can be here when he reaches out without bugging him every hour to find out what's going on. Sending him what reiki energy I can, because I know he's miserable. And I know why he's decided now is the time to deal with this - Christmas be damned. Sigh.
I didn't choose that or even ask that. I wish I could find a way to make this easier, but I really can't.
I can't tell you how small I feel that someone would do this at this time of year, to be able to be here sooner. He's a big heart. Yes, it needed to be dealt with soon, sometime; but he hasn't spent Christmas anywhere but the hospital for 2 years. It's his D's last Christmas "at home". The timing is such, he's HOPING to be home for her by Wed. So the sooner they do the surgery, the sooner he can get home.
How could I not love someone like this?
lighter:
Aw, Amber. You're hanging in bravely.
As strong as you are, I'm sure it takes great self-control to wait... do nothing as B works his way through the medical stuff on his own steam.
You wish you could find a way to relieve his suffering, but he's intent on finding his way to you, and your life together more quickly..... and his pump was pushing through the skin and the pump has to be removed bc of the infection.
The stars aligned, Christmas or no.
I'm praying B gets through this surgery and the post op days.
It's Saturday. I don't know about being home with his DD by Wednesday, but I applaud his priorities, and commitment.
I'm glad B's phone call comforted you. I'm sure hearing your voice was a great comfort to him.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Sounds like you've understood fully Lighter. Thanks for being there for me and letting me blather.
Still no surgery this morning. Yet. He's turning into Mr. Growlly Bear... because they give him stuff to sleep, then wake him up every half hour to an hour with trivial stuff... and then, admonish him because he's not sleeping. And he's not someone who can do nothing for very long. It's why I refer to his care as "torture".
Even I know it's better to just leave him alone and let him sleep, when he can sleep. So we have a place to send each other messages and I've been writing him, to catch him up with what's been going on with me. He won't be online yet for a bit; there's a password issue to resolve and he also needs to connect to the hospital wifi... and he's simply not conscious or in control of his cognitive abilities that much right now.
Latest message is that surgery won't happen today either. Since they're not giving antibiotics (that he's aware of; could be in his IV) I have no idea why the wait. I don't think he knows either. They are draining the infected fluid from the abdominal cavity, and it's still a considerable amount. But just about the time he starts to resign himself to one set of conditions, they do a 180 on him. He is literally at their mercy with no autonomy or volition permitted on his part. (There was mention of walking out at one point however.)
John and I are working on a menu for a mediterranean Christmas dinner. And I'm thinking about maybe starting to pass the time around here with some board games; tournaments. I went through my lists yesterday. Organized them and promptly ignored them again too. LOL. Today's major activity might be dusting and cleaning my room. LOL. While I wait. Yesterday I was just restless but couldn't concentrate on much. Today I can't do much of anything; tired; might go shopping for ingredients or wait till tomorrow and go over the mountain instead. That store has a much better olive & cheese selection.
lighter:
Maybe they're still waiting for an OR to open up. Maybe they need a doc to be fresh and ready to perform THAT surgery when an OR opens, and it's more difficult than we know to make that happen. It feeeeels like there's many moving pieces, and not one person involved knows how they all fit.
One thing making me feel better is.... B doesn't have any family with him. That's concerning until I remember how my father was shifted to the oncology ward post of (brain surgery) and left without care, bc he had family members there.
It sounds like B has plenty of caretakers looking after him, particularly as they're waking him up all the time. This is better than being left to fend for himself, IME. Perhaps the infection has to calm down. It's all concerning to me, and I'd expect his docs to be concerned too. Infected fluid from the abdominal cavity sounds like reason enough to postpone a surgery, but I just don't know. It could be reason to get it over with. Not sure, but my heart goes out to you and B.
I wish you could stay busy here with me... packing for the beach, painting signs for the end of the drive, distressing them....painting wallpaper and distressing it to cover the plywood bathroom ceiling bubbled by leaking water. It's creative chaos, and I have to admit.... I work pretty well in chaos.
Remember you can't save Hol or the boys from themselves. They have their own paths and they're right where they're supposed to be.
I invite you to stay in your own lane, while allowing the adults around you to stay in theirs.
Ligther
sKePTiKal:
LOL... I'm doing pretty good at staying in my lane Lighter. And just when I think I have the road all to myself, Buck calls to chat and say good night. <3
The delay:
is due to the necessity of draining off that infected fluid
getting heavy doses of antibiotics into him via IV
and the docs don't exactly agree on what to do - yet
But Buck thinks today - Monday - is the day.
He'll call me as he's getting ready to go in and after. I'm as much a touchstone for him, as I need to hear his voice and make him laugh. Despite the misery, I was able to furnish some rationale for hoping for good results from this experience. And he follows my lead on some of those things. I'm also able to reassure him I'm not going to bail on him, due to dealing with so much medical crap. (He's sensitive, since that was the stated reason ex#2 left.)
If I want baklava for Christmas dinner, I HAVE to make it today and be done with the kitchen. So I can stick the phone in my apron pocket. !! LOL Tomorrow morning early, we have a last minute grocery run over the mountain & Hol needs a ride to her OB-GYN. She and I are in a pretty good space these days - she has something other than me to fuss over you see. And we've resolved better, where the boundaries are between my way of doing things and what she desires for me & perceives about my motivations. (still kinda in role reversal & mind-reading there... but she's no longer PUSHING).
Whether it pans out this time or not, I've found this kind of delayed gratification effort usually pays off handsomely. Work first, and then enjoy the satisfaction and fruits of one's labor. That second part is absolutely essential, btw.
Right now, the most important thing I can do for Buck is be here when he reaches out to me. And be as solid and strong as I am. Even big tough marines can get scared and depressed and despair.
Onwards to clarifying a pound of butter... !!!!
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