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2019 Farm Life

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sKePTiKal:
It sure is quiet in here lately! I take it, people are investing in real life stuff?

Drawing is finished as of yesterday - Mike's birth day, by coincidence. If I figure a good place to upload to, that I can link to... instead of trying to upload pics here, I will post the link. I haven't had a FB account for at least 6 months and Mike's was shut down as a "memorial page" some time ago.

Still just feeling whatever the drawing phase was; no real coherent observations out of it... except it had less to do with grief processing, nothing at all to do with him, and was "some other thing" that it was finally the "right time" to play with pencils again. I've cussed the crappy sketchbook paper every single session of work... I usually draw on 100% rag paper. I built up the shape and character of his face & hand... and the overall posture he was in... with one after another & another layer of light tones, and rarely resorted to the softer, darker B pencils. So, it's a very "tight" drawing - again. But soft. What my basic "style" has always been. The likeness is clear; but there are still things about the drawing that make it look flat; 2D instead of 3D to me. And I think it's because my "memory" of him from then and the afternoon I made the original sketch... was 14 years ago. I wasn't working from "life".

House guest is back after being released. He is very much improved and now, the kinds of things that Hol and I can do... are effective. Trying to help him get launched on his new life, and there have been productive discussions/activities along those lines. He's sleeping all night now. He's engaged and aware of things/people around him more too. So we'll see what happens.

lighter:
I was all ready to launch into happy workings on DD's graduation announcements, when you closed with houseguest's return.   Just not sure how to feel about that.  You seem to be doing just fine with it, so will send productive thoughts your way.

::crossing fingers for all of you::.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Really super glad about art, Amber.

Not glad about the returned freeloader project.

Also hoping things will turn out well given your change of mind.

Hugs and good wishes for all of this...life is complex!

Hops

sKePTiKal:
His month or more in the hospital has truly helped him. Combination of one on one counseling, group and they also convinced him to try ECT.

There initially was some flailing about his plans to get back on his feet - at one time, he was a pretty successful photographer and was signed to NYC galleries - but the logistics of that, is something Hol & I specialize in and we broke that down into basic first steps. We can help a little.

We've been able to let him process his recent experiences even more - and it's clear he's no longer stuck in pain and trying to find a rational way to fix and/or deal with a crazy person in his life. He's accepting that taking care of himself and rebuilding his life is required before he even contacts her re: visitation with his son again.

I think he's going to be OK. And I'm OK with it too. The freeloader bit isn't quite accurate, in his situation. He was truly devastated by what he'd been put through by an N and completely lost everything in his life. Dealing with the emotions prevented him from the capability to make a decision and move forward on it before treatment. I no longer get the sense that he's expecting other people to regulate his emotions. That really threw me for a loop and churned up my own steaming pile o' crap.

And he's only once brought up initiating contact with the N, who is vindictive and totally bat-**** crazy, and quickly understood that he's not strong enough yet; doesn't have a firm base in living his own life yet to even consider that. He needs to rebuild self-respect, by doing for himself and nurture some more resilience. And turn that crap into compost.

And even then, direct contact is going to have to wait a bit longer until he's really in a position to counter the lies that have been told about him. With how he lives his life and lawyers. If she has no ammunition - except fantasies and lies - to use against him, he has a much better chance of winning at least time to see his son. But he has to stay out of her ability to target him, until then. We know how badly an N needs a scapegoat and how much pleasure they can take in destroying said scapegoat. Especially when that person internalizes all that stuff and questions their own sanity.

I must say, that I'm impressed with the hospital staff. They did an excellent job, in a relatively short amount of time, teaching him to unknot that tangled ball of yarn of "the story of what happened, the feelings, the powerlessness and anger/frustration". It's a visible difference in him. And he's been working in his sketchbook... again, concrete visible signs of improvement in use of color, etc. There's a small community of artists in the town "over the mountain" and a small private university... so I think that's going to be his launching pad.

Close enough to the city, so when he is ready to attempt seeing his son, it won't be impossibly difficult to get there. Student housing will be opening up soon, as well some jobs in the hospitality realm and music is a big deal here - and he likes music a lot. Hol and I are close enough to be a support network too - without "doing it for him".

Meanwhile - mio-mio has disappeared. The house has been searched top to bottom a couple of times; no sign of her. A door got left open, and she has been out before - curiosity. There is no sign of her outside either - and the dogs haven't alerted to anything. So, it may very well be that she's exited my life as unexpectedly as she dropped into it. By her own choice. Freddie is taking full advantage of that and hasn't given any signs of knowing where she went, either. She was a special kitty; I've had several. But the first weeks I was here, I realized she would eventually get out and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. She wasn't ever an outdoor cat, so if she does show up again later I'm going to be massively surprised.

lighter:
Amber:

This young man is lucky to have your massive compassion, and support from the safety of your home.  Again.  HIs past, and his present, and his future are coming into focus in your safe space.  Just an amazing gift from you and Hol. 

I am concerned about compassion and understanding warping out of shape... into boundary transgressions, and excuses.  Not bc of you or him, but bc it's sometimes difficult to keep perspective when we want a particular outcome so so much for someone else, with no control. 

You didn't have the ability to do the work the professionals managed, and young man benefited from his time there.  He might need a tune up before the next level of healing begins.  It's OK to be proactive there.  It's not failure.... not a step backwards.  Maybe he'll need help internalizing what he's learned, and cementing it in place, which would be normal while he learns how to handle overwhelming feelings.  Not sure, but his ability to be open to your help is possible bc of the help at the hospital, and awareness around that is necessary, IMO.

Reasons are different than excuses.  Accepting responsibility, and our part in things, is different than assigning blame, without understanding.  You know this better than I, but sometimes we're so close, so invested in specific outcome, we can lose sight without realizing it, IME. 

Good luck with that.  He's a very lucky young man.  You and Hol are very kind spirits.

I hope Mio Mio turns up.  It seems like the door opened, let the guest in, and Mio Mio out. 

Lighter

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