2019 Farm Life

[Hopalong]

Somebody should write a freaking hymn to boundaries,
because ultimately they are so beautiful.

Often doesn't FEEL that way, but in that they allow own-feet-standing,
growth without dependency, etc etc -- they're good.

Nobody, I mean nobody, always gets them right, however.
And the biggest boundary of all needs to be respect and affection
for the self. An integrated feeling of "I am home here." In my own
company.

I'm working on it a lot, lately. Very unproductive in my own single
space, distracted from "own life" stuff by relationship. Not terrible
but a lot of growing to do.

I think you're amazing, Amber, and I can imagine how challenging
(as well as joyful) it is to be loving someone again. I have great
confidence in you, and hearing you calm the analytics and tune in
more to your well being...that is lovely.

Big hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, Hops, there's also some serious work going on too; I think with both of us. The "together" part seems to be catalyzing it.

Some of the events in his life, are stirring up old emotional issues for me. I know they're emotional, because every time I try to talk about them, my mouth or fingers malfunction.... I can't go there; get tongue-tied. I can't unhide the stuff that I want to forget was real once upon a time. A lot of it is subconscious; I'm dreaming my butt off. But at least I'm not trying to tap-dance it away anymore. Think I did uncover the first layer of the archeological dig last night. I'm having to struggle with the old reflexes to either scare him off or try to protect him from the yuck I know... so I don't trigger his yuck. He's being patient and kind, and understanding! while I try to unearth this old wound and put it into actual words that communicate what I mean to say. He intuitively senses what I'm dealing with - but isn't pre-empting me or trying to speak for me. That's different.

I know he's very very determined and clear about handling things in his life differently than he has in the past; so I think we're both learning together. I haven't been able to find a comparison in my past to the level of vulnerability and honesty each of us is trying to establish as we talk about our lives or who we are. So it's uncharted territory - and hence, why I'm trying to mind those Ps and Qs about my boundaries... and his. But throughout, I've had this super-clear sense that I'm "safe"; I actually feel that comfortable security for a change. Still awkward as a newborn calf about speaking about it... but I suspect that's the old taboo of being seen not heard, clinging by it's fingernails, for the last shreds of that internalized control over me. The Voicelessness.

See? I think the speaking thing is getting relaxed already. I guess I'll know, if I've confused you all again, LOL.

[Hopalong]

throughout, I've had this super-clear sense that I'm "safe"; I actually feel that comfortable security for a change

Beautiful. Sounds like there's UL happening! (Unconditional love.) I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!!!! Maybe it takes someone like Buck to create that feeling.

At some point you will be past the very-intense-analyzing-narrating part and it'll be Just Talking. But you did have a huge trauma, and it's okay and right to share it. You do not have to re-live it to tell him about it. A veteran can make space for it in some ways maybe better than other men.

Just tickled pink that you and Buck are connecting not just deeply, but securely. Depth ain't everything. Security, kindness, and NON-abusiveness are most of it.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

Taking stock of everything.... our habits.... all the patterns we haven't questioned is a heroic feat.  We take it on, perhaps dreading it, and lean in, trusting we'll feel better, get stronger, find more resilience, and certainly deepen intimacy with ourselves, and those who share our journey. 

From here it seems like digging upwards, falling upwards, working hard in ways our brains don't want to work, but gutting through... like moving buckets of dirt around, in our brains, and clearing out old clutter.  Gutting through to clarify, edit, and replace, even when we're exhausted, and sick of doing it.  It makes me tired just to think about it.   

Hops could say that better 100 different ways, but I think you're very brave, Amber.  Buck's a very lucky man. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks friends. I think you just pulled me back from the ledge of making an error I've made more than once. It's likely attributable to my ability to connect and see the possibilities, very quickly.

"narration"
"Keep your head where your feet are."

And yeah, the project mgmt mindset runs with all that raw material, feeding it into creativity that begins weaving the story... trolling for the emotional energy to "make it so". That almost always inevitably runs into reality at some point, which is obviously DIFFERENT because it wasn't something I created in my over-active mind. And yeah - at that point, sometimes resentments begin to form.

Even Tupps' image of the discussion of differentials got through my foggy cloud. Like a strong beam of sunlight.

I needed that dose of "wake up" ladies. Thanks.

All is still well with Buck and I don't see any major pitfalls in the next 10 months that will come up as dealbreakers. If I can keep this tendency to write the script tamped down. He's pretty good at setting me straight and pulling me out of the clouds too. Maintaining his own boundaries and even looking out for mine when I get carried away.

Breathing... regrouping... centering.

Skep, I really understand that tendency to write the script.  I do it all the bloody time and it causes no end of problems.  With me, it's very much linked to anxiety and having to micro-manage every situation - learnt at a young age due to the rows and flare ups at home.  If I kept everyone happy, saw the problems before they happened, anticipated everything and smoothed everything over for everyone, then it was okay.  Don't need to do it so much now, but they are hard scripts to unlearn.  I find that practise of just observing, not over thinking, not planning and running through each scenario soooooooo difficult to do.  So I think it's great that you noticed it and pulled the brakes on a bit and that Buck has got his own boundaries neatly lined up.  I think this all sounds lovely xx

[sKePTiKal]

ohhhhh MY. Someone slow down the life clock of experiences, please. I want a chance to savor a few things.

Feels like weeks since I've updated. And here it's only 3 days. No, I'm not really dizzy-i-fied, either. Feet are in the dirt. Head and heart might NOT be ALL the time... LOL... but I re-center pretty quickly.

Around the farm:

Septic, well permits are in to contractor, so he can apply for building permit for Holly Hut; the rest of the trees are cleared at the site. Contract & deposit are done also; so in a couple of weeks, we should hear about what the schedule will be. Contract & deposit are in to well driller, also. Fence starts to go up around pond/coop field next week. Former House guest has been working a couple days a month, helping out around here for some extra fundage - and that's working out really well for both of us. Gives him a break from his tiny spartan quarters and work routine.

I'm just waiting on hurricane to pass and see what's what, then I'm going to reserve a tiny cottage at the beach and hope to entice Buck to join me. Hol & Steve will probably hold down the fort here, this time. And that REALLY puts a big smile on my face. Not that they wouldn't be fun to have around too.

Most of my legal/financial stuff is complete or well in progress.

Worked out a money matters misunderstanding with Buck yesterday and the day before. The disparity in our circumstances currently makes it a touchy subject. But it's finally cleared up; no one's feelings were hurt; no egos were annihilated in the process. It went WELL. Our connection intuitively, helps. There is a higher level of trust between us at this point than I think I've ever seen, even after being married some time. That's just one of the amazing things.

Yesterday, last night, early this morning... I've kind of kept him occupied as Dorian sauntered into his vicinity. His prep work was all done and he even rescued a few kitties and a Harley from the water. So we let imaginations fly and play - what if scenarios - about things we have in common. And told stories to each other. Now we kinda wonder why we didn't run into each other 20 years ago; LOL. Lots of "please don't change" requests going back & forth.

And lots of relaxing going on.

I even dreamed about Hops' new house and all the different rooms, all done and decorated differently, and I was letting ALL her pooches (she added some) out to adorable different gardens from different parts of the house.

[Twoapenny]

Oh Skep, this all sounds really amazing!  It's so lovely to read that things are skipping along in a nice way and that you and Buck are getting along so well.  And maybe a nice little beach holiday as well - how amazing would that be!  I'm looking forward to hearing more xx

[lighter]

Well, you seem to be doing the ground work on this relationship, Amber.  You'll build something, and it's interesting that you're engaging in what if scenarios... to me. 

I don't understand why, at this stage in life, you guys aren't setting a tentative date for X, Y and Z to happen.  That's MY stuff coming up, and it's not necessarily the way anything in any relationship should go. Just relating a little niggling feeling in the back of my brain that pops up.  How it feels to read that, when I know know know there are multitudes of possibilities, and savoring, exploring, and considering is part of the journey.   I think it's great that you're doing that, now that I have a moment to think about it.  I think it's wise, and pragmatic, and spot on, yup yup yup.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Aww, Amber, I'm very touched that you were subconsciously working on my dream as well! Huge hug for that, girl.

And you sound GREAT. I'm glad things feel good. As to timing, in our 8th month, I'm still seeing that his urgency/rush/get 'er done belongs to him, not me. More over on Relationship about that.

What big steps on the mountain, too! Just extraordinary. I'm glad you two may get away to some non-worksite, non-project space together soon. That sounds like EXACTLY the ticket.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hugs back Hops... and all.

Lighter - life obligations mean we can't yet start setting that timetable. We do talk about what MIGHT go on it, however. And it's fabulous (to me at least) that he has his own ideas about those kinds of what-ifs. I've done enough of my share of the heavy lifting in relationships; time for some share & share alike, while I do keep working on my boundaries.

We both have reasons from the past, why it seems wise to postpone making an actual decision for a year. Those reasons are all over the map, too. That was his boundary, this time. And it mostly has to do with his D. So I can learn to manage my impatience during this time, huh? I should be able to understand and accept and work with that parameter... given what I do feel. And right there, is my chance to savor things, actually.

We both have to have time to process that the chemistry between us is different than what we've experienced previously too. Despite some just general similarities; inherent in guys & gals. Which can trigger either one of us... if we're tired or overwhelmed in that moment. We have time to process; talk it out; and move on. It's also allowing a lot of emotional awareness to become fully conscious, too. And we can each look & ponder that and talk about that too. He's pretty good talking about what he feels, from where I sit (often in tongue-tied, non verbal agony - LOL).

Meanwhile, we're helping each other sort out normal life stuff, too.

Yeah, it's pretty spectacular.

[lighter]

Oh, the anticipation!  My Lord, in this age of immediate self-gratification, I'm impressed with the willpower it takes to slow down, look at time tables, and honor his dd, bc she's important to him. 

I'm thinking you're a very lucky woman, Amber.  I think he'll care for all the people he loves with as much care.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I think the year is a wise and caring interval, for all of you.

Sometimes one of the most loving things is to slow it all down a step, so the pace doesn't take over and sweep us into logs and stuff.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, yes, I'm finding out a LOT about Buck as we share in life's logs and other obstacles that make that decision very wise.

Holly made a stupid decision Saturday night and got caught. Around midnight, I get a terse text: "I need help". A few minutes later: "Pontiac's stuck in ditch". And despite my repeated responses of "where are you?" even after I'd gotten dressed... I heard nothing for awhile, then the last thing was: "cops are here". So I still had no idea where she was. And I heard nothing from her after that.

Needless to say I was wide awake and in panic mode. Fortunately Buck is a night owl. He got me settled down and thinking again, and to my dismay, I found her when I finally called the VA county sheriff around 4 am. I knew she'd gone into the town over the mountain, to visit friends. This is HER problem; not mine - especially when she'd explicitly promised she wouldn't do this right before she left but I'm a mom, I have my own feelings about when my kids do something stupid, dangerous, and at her age - rediculous. Especially with her persona about being so capable and so "there" for the people she cares about. I picked up the next morning. The "fallout" is all on her.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I realized - I hadn't gotten a tirade about what she'd done, from Buck. No fix it advice, no "you shoulda, coulda", none of that. I didn't even know I was bracing myself for it. Every single one of my ex's tirades are engraved on my memory, though. But he was there for ME, 100%. We even giggled along about 5 am, about all the awful things parents fantasize about punishments for their kids. We were definitely punchy about then.

And that has continued. He has offered some ideas/suggestions about handling things from here on out. When I mentioned how AMAZING that is to me, he said it's not his way to add to the misery; he treats people, particularly ones he's close to, the way he wants to be treated. (People in general often disappoint him as a result.) He's even given me space - which I needed for sleep and just wrapping my head around how this one action of hers is going to impact everything/everyone else around here.

Likewise, he has things like that going on. He has a 17 yr old daughter. And he's let me help him, too. No male ego "I got this" crap. Even when I explained dealing with Holly's reaction - beating herself up in the worst way and also blaming me, while bargaining with the universe for a get out jail free card - in the aftermath of the hurricane, his own situation with his D, and just general uphill life struggles...

he didn't somehow make it my responsibility or fault. When I said I would understand if he didn't want to step into my life crap... he came back immediately, with "I'm not going anywhere. This isn't anything big, compared to what I've been through." Which I know for a fact, from being at least close friend to him for years.

I am absolutely gobsmacked. Floored. He's not just really there for me; has my back - he's not in the habit of making things harder with the usual stuff people do to others, especially those they're closest to - this is a level of intimacy that's brand-spankin' new for me.

SOLD.

[Twoapenny]

Aw, Skep, this is so lovely to read!  And isn't it amazing how something relatively small can be the thing that makes you realise how amazing someone is?  He's confident you're got this and is happy to just be there and let everything unfold as it needs to.  He sounds perfect!  No drama, no crisis management, no hidden messages to decipher.  Just simple, straightforward respect, trust and companionship.  How amazing.  xx

[Hopalong]

Aww, Amber. This is wonderful.
SO good to hear you being treated lovingly and supportively and respectfully...exactly what you deserve, dear.

Bravo Buck and bravo, YOU.

I'm really sorry about Hol's stupid choice. Not that you need to say, but I'm guessing DUI. When I think about the times when, young, I risked that and lucked out....

What a shame. And what a learning opportunity. I'm sorry she took it out on you. If anything doesn't belong to you, there's a fine example. Hang strong.

Hugs
Hops