Author Topic: 2019 Farm Life  (Read 4377 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #345 on: October 31, 2019, 10:19:52 AM »
Wow. Just WOW.

This fireplace was so overbuilt for what it was intended for it's not funny. It felt pretty good prying tile off - even though the short handled sledge I was using (one of Steve's) was a little heavy for me at that height and angle. So I didn't go all "wild woman" on it... it more, exploratory surgery. Find out just what I'm dealing with first. Before I destroy something I'll regret.

So I didn't accomplish a lot. And of course, Hol has a way to do it faster and with less effort. But that's not at all a criteria of mine for this project - in fact, I think I WANT it to take a long time and a LOT of effort. But that's just nutz to her - why would anyone want to do that? LOLOL. (I think there's probably going to be both methods applied.)

And something else has shifted instead it turns out. Something huge. I'm still learning just what it is, but the overall gist of it is a serious amount of past life/habits/routines were intentionally set aside; dropped; waved buh-bye to.

I have mostly lived my life, being there - taking care of - caretaking - others. There is a whole 'nother side to me that's been in hiding, postponed, disregarded even as being important... because it wasn't "practical" or as important as the "general welfare". That me was essentially considered dangerous, too big for her britches, a bull in a china shop especially when it comes to things I see, and say. That side of me is intensely romantic & idealistic; competitive; daring. And possibly more fun to BE. Possibly. Surely I've learned enough life-lessons by now, to know how to keep myself safe - I don't have to be insulated in cotton-wool like a rare porcelain doll anymore.

Holly is a competent, smart, sensitive & caring and extremely resourceful woman. We have different value systems - but we know each others and respect those boundaries most of the time, unless there is something really important we think the other isn't really conscious of. This past year of trying to live with her again has taught me a few things about how my way of doing things impacts others. (One reason I desire and crave so much solitude; it's just easier.)
 We challenge each other, in many subtle ways. And that's all GOOD.

So, if I start out on a path of adventure that might take me away from home - I know I have someone here to man the fort. IF. Change doesn't happen all at once; but this is a totally different energy and sense of myself - and my capabilities - than I've had previously. I'm a tad bowled over right now; but like ye olde Daruma I'll right myself again sooner or later.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #346 on: October 31, 2019, 11:24:33 AM »
Gosh it sounds as if you did a little with the fireplace and a lot with yourself, Skep!  Lol.  Sounds like fun to unleash the side of yourself you've had to keep occupied with other things and go off and enjoy yourself :) xx

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #347 on: November 01, 2019, 03:33:18 PM »
Wow, Amber. You really are dismantling.
Exciting, the unknown spaces that reveals.

Quote
a serious amount of past life/habits/routines were intentionally set aside
Can you generally characterize what those were, or what they were about?
Are there any pieces of those you miss or were they all good to unload?

Quote
a path of adventure that might take me away from home
Can you generally characterize what that adventure might be?

Very cool that you see Hol as a trustworthy caretaker of the mountain. Very!

Hugs
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #348 on: November 03, 2019, 08:19:59 AM »
I've been pondering how to answer your questions Hops. Trying to see what's what - and if this is truly a long-lasting shift or just a fleeting feeling. I think it's the former (for now).

One of things I'm dropping - is something Tupp mentioned. About always adapting oneself to other people, to be accepted, approved of, liked. You'd think a hermit wouldn't have that many opportunities for habits like that to run their little hamster wheels. HA. This past year, my life has been anything BUT solitary. The Holly effect means I've had a year of people in/out as if I were running a hotel or hostel. Her campaign of prescribing "shoulds" to me has tapered off a little - but she hasn't completely stopped. And when I'm enforcing that boundary, she looks for someone else to do the same thing to.

I am specifically trying to drop my overly careful of other people's feelings (and perceptions) way of speaking. I'm just going to say things plainly - and as clearly as possible - from now on. And let other people be responsible for how they feel about that. I'm not an unkind person and while my direct statements can be seen as blunt... that's someone ELSE'S interpretation. It's not my job to package my communications in pink bows and pretty melodies, and my experience has shown me that it's not even a very good strategy for getting my needs from interpersonal communications met.

Being that I'm living in my own home where other people feel they have a right to tell me what to do and how be - based on their shared, temporary occupancy...  and "observations" and "concern"...  (empathy is no justification, IMO, for telling people what they "should" be/do; but we all do this - when ASKED; when it's unsolicited it feels bossy and boundary crossing) something has snapped - hopefully INTO place - about just what is/isn't healthy about that arrangement. So I'm turning the tables a bit. Yes, talking about Holly still - and her chosen guy.

Having an abnormally close, intimate relationship - parent to child - she feels motivated (out of that concern - which is overly magnified, IMO) to, without being asked, proffer her prescription list of "shoulds" to me. I've been minding my own business and not sticking my nose into her relationship with this guy - but I have also "observed" a few things. She asked; I told her. I see her recreating the same kind of relationship she had with Bovie; all one way - her making it possible for him to indulge his interests and never the other way around. Now she's off pondering. LOL.

But she has friends who are seeing the same things, the same way about this relationship. And Hol has some stuff - long buried - trying to surface. It's making her emotionally volatile, on top of stubborn, willful, and headstrong. She isn't as comfortable in her own skin as she pretends to be.

I doubt she'll notice - but I made my observation without telling her what she "should" do about it. She was incredibly difficult to be around when she was trying to work up the courage - and continuing to be miserable - in her last relationship for years; hoping things would get better. And while I have the most experience of any human with her temper tantrums... my patience with her difficult transition in this respect is running out. I'll not lend her my ear for another 5 years worth of that crap. Therapy wouldn't hurt her, but of course - she's resisting that.

Buck and I talk about all kinds of adventures. All that is an escape right now - from talking about medical issues. But it does give me a sense of the Buck I don't know yet. To know about his ideas for adventures. And projects. And the future. His cousin is pulling some strings on the medical stuff - and politically. I don't have any idea how effective that will be or timely. But the 3 medical offices are now engaged in blaming each other and trying to offload accountability; clearly their internal process protocols failed somewhere. He's consulting with new lawyers, to see what his legal options are.

I'm a bit out of sync with the time change. I'm going to need some heavy-duty he-man tools for this fireplace. Because, I am also hard-headed, and ignoring the "you should just hire someone to do it for you mom" advice. Mom WANTS to do it; and doesn't like the idea of strange men in my bedroom. It's weird; self-conscious; but it's me.

And I'm liking me a lot more these days - despite all the different ways I'm supposed to be different. Buck likes me this way too. So perhaps, my progeny isn't quite the authority on how to live life as she thinks she is - huh?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #349 on: November 05, 2019, 08:11:09 AM »
Got my roto-hammer ordered to deal with the fireplace. Hopefully it will be here in the next couple days.

Hol's friend John is passing through here again and they are planning to go to the beach end of the this week. Not sure yet if Steve is also going or not. But the result will be I'm here by myself in glorious solitude - altho I will have to deal with service people to correct a problem with heat/water in the studio-garage. The wrong type of water supply pipe was used and I had noticed evidence of an old leak, downstairs in the garage but nothing current. That was some time back. For whatever reason, the furnace out there, has been turning itself off randomly... and with the temps getting below freezing now... the water supply to the toilet in the studio just failed. So that probably means replumbing the whole building AFTER the furnace is serviced.

If I decide to work in the studio, I'll have to traverse back & forth for potty breaks. I have some other projects to focus on too, depending on the weather. I hear we might see some snow.

The first floor walls of the Holly Hut were poured yesterday. The walls are about 12-13" thick. It's going to be like a little fortress in that space. Rick (Ronnie's brother) who's been doing all the backhoe work around here, says it's misnamed a "Hut" - he says it's turned into more of a Holly Hilton. LOL. She's a bit overwhelmed at the moment with choices for things like the front door, appliances, bathroom fixtures, kitchen counter/cabinets etc. So, we've agreed that when she narrows it down to her top 4-5... she'll ask for a peer review on the choices. Trying to balance "cool" stuff with practicality. (She did a fabulous job with the floor plan and elevations.)
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sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #350 on: November 07, 2019, 12:54:31 PM »
So I worked down in the garage while the plumbers fixed a leak and reinstalled the toilet. Found the roto-hammer I thought I had, but couldn't find. LOL... isn't that always the way it works? The one I have is 18v battery powered, which probably would only dent the mass of concrete I have to destroy. The one I ordered is electric and will be more powerful.

Think I'm headed to work in the studio, now that I don't have to hike between buildings to pee. Need to review the pattern for this parka I'm making for Buck and get it cut out. I've never worked with camo before; should be interesting. At least I don't have to match any patterns! LOL.

Buck was starting to get discouraged by the whole medical situation the other day. (How could he NOT?) So far, the herbal alternatives are at least keeping him functional most of the time - which is critical. If he didn't have any income, he'd have a whole NEW SET of problems to try to manage while he didn't feel so good. So I just reminded him, that at least we've found a workable substitute for the time being... until people stop passing the buck (that wasn't intentional; but it fits) and DO SOMETHING to help him. He's also working with a new lawyer who'll be be consulting with an infectious disease doc at Walter Reed. (Lawyer's trial expert) So that's looking promising but isn't an instant solution either. Takes time.

We're finding ways to "play" while we're apart. Silly things. We both feel a strong connection with the other; like we've known the other person for a long time. So I send him optimistic horoscopes... and he suggests activities we should try to accomplish while in dreamland at night. Last night was dancing; when I asked how he felt this morning he said his feet hurt so we must've danced all night. LOL.

It is helping more than he realizes, I think, to have someone cheering him up, distracting him, talking about anything other than "how he feels today". He hasn't had any more flashback dreams for a couple of months now.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 12:58:34 PM by sKePTiKal »
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Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #351 on: November 07, 2019, 02:31:23 PM »
I think those Hol Hut thick walls are a great idea. Let's lock her up in there for a while....

I like hearing how you and Buck are making your space, your relationship, grow, despite the odds. Wonderful to know some OTHER people are also advocating for him. His patience and endurance are quite something. I can imagine how precious your support is and how that's changing his life.

Meanwhile, loved reading what you were saying about simple, direct statements.

I was enmeshed with my D as well. Backfired big time. So extricating yourself from that is a wonderful thing to be working on.

Hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #352 on: November 07, 2019, 05:45:09 PM »
His feet were sore when he woke up.....
must have danced all night with you. 

That is so sweet, Amber. 

I don't know how you're staying so strong, but I'm impressed. 

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #353 on: November 08, 2019, 08:08:43 AM »
This is a weird thing Hops - and maybe my perception is off -

I'm not enmeshed with HER; she seems to be enmeshed - or wanting to be - with almost everyone. Until she IS, then of course she realizes she "did it to herself AGAIN". I've been on guard about my boundaries and ever-so-sensitive to HERS since she moved in.

And Buck - and our own private little space - is definitely helping me stay not enmeshed. I knew the angry, determined, skilled, and very private Buck for years. This is a side of him that's delightful and makes me smile. Last night he was talking about one of his machines; it's large, cast-iron, and they don't make 'em like that anymore. His appreciation for it came through the text...

So I told him he was completely adorable.

It was 15-20 minutes, before he replied that there was yet another word he wasn't used to hearing in reference to himself (the other one was cute).  And I dissolved into giggles again.

I keep trying to "have the relationship talk" with him, about how this is going to work, what I want it to be, what he wants it to be... but apparently, it's not time for that yet because I can't spit out any questions or words and he isn't talking about it either. We're just doing, instead.
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Twoapenny

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #354 on: November 08, 2019, 08:25:18 AM »
I love that you and Buck are playing games, Skep, that's so sweet and must be a nice interlude from all the serious and difficult health/distance/148 projects at your place that you seem to work on simultaneously :)  I still get tired just reading your threads, you pack so much in and do so much thinking/working through stuff at the same time.  It's like you have three brains, a working out emotional things one, a having fun with Buck one and one that can build houses whilst sewing new coats and painting :)  Lol.  I like that you are making him a coat.  For some reason I am getting an image in my mind of it having a hood with little ears on the top, like a little bear :)  Lol.  I'm glad that there is something happening with his healthcare situation, albeit just keeping him functional and maybe something legal coming up.  I find not being able to do anything about a situation very difficult and I can't imagine you or Buck being comfortable with not being able to get on with something.  You two sound really sweet together :) xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #355 on: November 08, 2019, 08:39:31 AM »
Thanks Tupp; it's appreciated.

One of the horoscopes I had cast, mentioned that we would both have dependencies on the other but that it wasn't unhealthy dependency. Rather it was devotion. The meanings are so different - in the emotional world - aren't they?

I'm looking at that. Another thing mentioned that I've been watching for - but not trying to create - is that we each nurture a lot of emotional and intellectual and spiritual growth in the other. This aspect is more in the potential category. And we will both require a lot of individual space and freedom within any "relationship"; perforce making our relationship extremely non-traditional. I think I'm up for that, since I mapped those terms out for him when he was here in June and I decided to leap. I think he's the type of person that can honor that; whether because of past experience or disillusionment or just the way he is. Time will tell, of course.

Hmmm. Different brains - different realms of activity - in my lexicon, that would be being alive on many different levels all at the same time.  I guess that's one way of quantifying what "not being stuck" is. I guess that's why I need such absolute downtime to recharge sometimes.
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Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #356 on: November 09, 2019, 10:45:15 PM »
You absolutely deserve your absolute downtime, (((Amber))).

It's wonderful that you are defending that again.

And I believe you that you don't feel enmeshed with Hol.

You're sorting out a lot of stuff and serenity is your right.

Hugs
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #357 on: November 10, 2019, 07:30:22 AM »
Perception is an odd thing in the combustible feelings around here.

My perceived right to expect some participation in the ongoing chores around here, along with being aware of what others are doing on my property (which have large impacts)... is seen as "OCD, being controlling" by the people in question. (talking about Steve & indirectly Hol who excuses him and tries to cover for him)

Uh.... no it's not. And I'm not wearing that label, either. Sorry.

Even if I do express my requirements and wishes in a sort of heavy-handed fashion.

Another issue, that is functionally difficult, is that I'm not allowed to finish my thoughts. I speak very slowly, when I'm carefully choosing my words so as not trip one of the combustible fuses... and most of the time, I'm being interrupted and talked over, before I can even finish a sentence. I've tried the "talking stick" method. Take the stick - and only you can talk until the stick is passed on. She talked over me, and I wacked her with it. LOL. (enforcing boundaries, anyone? LOL) (This is Hol.)

She almost always talks over me. And refuses to allow me my own perception and definition of situations. And yet - I know this is the furthest thing from what she really wants. It feels very much like she is processing out what she experienced in a bad, one-way relationship... by switching roles and doing the same thing she suffered, to me. Lately, I've just been walking away from that. Because my other (old) ways of coping with that kind of thing are terrible for me.

She isn't really hearing my more subtle observations that perhaps this is an extension of her old temper tantrum behavior, because (at that time) she wasn't talking yet. Now she's extremely verbal - but sees herself as unable to access the language of emotions. We have discussed that some, calmly. I think she does really well; but then, for almost 10 years, when she talked about her feelings - she wasn't heard or believed and/or the feelings were dismissed as unimportant or "crazy". She sees that as an inability on her part to express herself. Sigh.

As I talk about H and describe what's going on, it's important to remember that she really doesn't want to be this way. This isn't her motivation, at heart. She is trying to untangle her own ball of yarn, like we have years ago, and figure out how to change herself. And she flails a good bit in the process - hitting extremes and slowly settling back to a more steady space. I think there is a huge characteristic of her current relationship which is fueling a lot of this. But her excuse is: that's just the way he is. She's using his mother's death - 10+ years ago - as a "trauma" excuse for his way of being self-absorbed, entitled to his own agendas and not participating actively in the life here on the farm. Beyond work - he doesn't involve himself in sharing ideas, discussing ours, or anything else. His basic needs are met here and everything else he just goes his own way and does his thing. His body is here - but he is not. At all. Ever.

THAT, IMO, is the real problem here. And maybe that's just because I'm on the outside looking at only the surface of things. But my intuition and deeper observations are rather more validating that opinion. I also see her taking on some of his attitudes and habits -- that are decidedly not healthy for her. (While assuming blame/responsibility for feeling the anxious, negative things she feels in the relationship - as "her problem". My reaction to that, is now wait just a damn minute... you're not allowed to believe in your own perceptions/feelings about being "left out" because he just does his own thing?? How is that YOUR problem?)

Mom is currently persona non grata about observations, knowledge & wisdom. Experience in relationships and with different types of them. Right. But her friends are pointing out exactly the same things to her... and she is listening to them, more than me. IMO, that's because I'm defending my rights as property owner - and that's a power-trip in her mind; perhaps power struggle too. When I've brought up that I feel like a prisoner in my own home - and that this isn't how I envisioned things going when I invited her to stay (when she didn't have a live-in SO; it WASN'T) - she does hear me and I think is simply confused about how to go about either making things work better - or what she WANTS in the way of change.

Buck's explanation of what's going on with her, is rather more negative about Steve. He admits he doesn't have a high opinion of a lot younger guys these days, though. (He works with a lot of them, through the VA programs, trying to teach them skills.)

So I'm giving her space. I'm glad her friend John is here - because even though I'm leaving her be, she still needs that external stimulation of other people and this is my time to just chop wood, carry water and sleep. I'm trying to make some decisions about the holidays; depending on how Hol's DUI court date goes, I could be left here at home with the house guests & two dogs while she serves her jail sentence for the duration and through her birthday. We won't know until the court date. I'm not at all sure I want to do much of anything unless Buck can be around - and he's not religious either. I did have lunch with my friend Deb, over the mountain for birthdays. To catch up; it's been months since I could guarantee her a guest room here - that's how many people have been in/out here. My space has been full of her friends. And only John is good about keeping me updated as to his plans and helping out around here.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 07:38:55 AM by sKePTiKal »
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CB123

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #358 on: November 10, 2019, 04:51:37 PM »
Skep, it sounds exhausting! I dont think I could take on what you have.

Something I have learned is that whatever insights I have into someone elses motivations, I try to stick to just the actual "thing" that I need to set a boundary about. Like: I need you to empty the trash every day. Or, I need you to clear out those tree limbs you cut down a month ago.

I always have great ideas about why the person doesnt want to do it, or can't hear me, or "forgot" in the first place. But, I just try to sit on my urge to analyze them--mostly because I know, from experience, that the only insights I personally find life changing are my own! It's very hard with my kids to do this, and our relationships have had a lot of bumps and bruises to attest to that.

Youngest son, who is my current roomie, rarely has a sense of what needs to be done. So a lot of mornings,  I leave him a note with something I really need done. I also do stuff for him, so its very reciprocal.  And sometimes I leave him a note just saying how much I like him!

You are sure taking on a big project with all these adults living on your land with you. I'll bet you have some really good times too, that you couldnt have unless you were all there. I like to hear your stories about your projects even though I am glad I don't have too many myself!

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #359 on: November 10, 2019, 09:07:20 PM »
Oh, (((((Amber))))).

I am feeling sorrow because my gut-take is that you are being overrun.
And that's not okay.

NO QUESTION that you love your daughter and forgive her ongoingly.
But she really has felt entitled to take up, use, share, open up YOUR SPACE to her own boundary-rambling life.

And that's a hell of a lot for you to deal with.

I'm feeling sad about this. I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way of setting limits on visitors.

An Open Door policy may not be serving you, and it might also contribute to your being taken advantage of.

Would that she would be off to take up a new professional gig.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."