Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Winter Stuff
Hopalong:
Thanks, guys.
I need to settle down and get myself back into the present.
VERRRRY challenging not to fantasize yet I know it's the enemy!
(Seeing him again Saturday.)
Sigh,
Hops
lighter:
I'm glad you made a happy connection, Hops!
Really....
::nodding::....so glad: )
About the Professor's interest in marriage.... you met him on a dating site where you presumably listed your interest in marriage?
You guys should have some idea what the other is interested in, IMO?
If not, I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask him what his goals, for relationship, are.
It doesn't have to be weird, or spooky.
It can be a casual query...
IS he interested in being married again? The Professor likely has a very clear idea, in that big brain of his, IMO.
Listen to his reply... make little non judgemental noises without bringing up your POV. Just let him explain, and listen real close to what he says.
Believe him when he's done speaking.
Don't feel obligated to discuss it further at that time. Whatever he says, you can take time, think about what it means to you, and bring it up another time when you're ready.
Honestly, everyone on a dating site should SAY what they're interested in, and what kind of person they're seeking to SHARE that experience with, IMO. There's an expectation people are choosing people with similar goals, and interests, right? That's how I remember it going.
You're worthy of having goals, stating them, and expecting they be honored. Don't feel you aren't, bc you are, Hops.
lighter
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. I really agree with you.
However, because of my experiences dating men in their 70s, I decided not to put that preference top-level on my profile. I've observed that many older men are frankly paranoid about gold diggers, and if they read I'm interested in marriage before meeting me, a lot will run for that reason. So I put serious long-term relationship or some such. My intention with all is to clarify within the first or second date that I do wish to remarry. We'll still have a nice conversation and enjoyable evening. So far, nobody has run away for that reason (I've usually been the first to extricate).
I will find a way to be clear with Professor about this on Date #2. Date #1 was a little dizzying because his comfort zone is VERY gregarious and nonstop literary references (it took more than an hour, at least, to get him off that and onto telling me about his life--which he did but was clearly not where he dwells).
I like the way you put it...asking him what his goals are. I'm not sure he'd think of that word, and it's apt. He did tell me, "I'm looking for friendship, companionship, and empathy" (big emphasis on the last). And in email said, "I'm so happy there is enough mutual empathy for us to continue getting to know each other." He does sound genuinely excited about me. Empathy may just be his high-falutin way of talking about agape, or attraction, or whatever. It's a nice list I endorse completely, but it lacks the terms one might associate with someone hunting permanance, such as commitment or partnership or marriage.
I'm going to do my very best to be upfront, calm and take care of myself. I am already pretty excited about him and it's critical that I not overlook missing pieces that are important to me to find out about. What I SENSE from him is a big capacity for love. But nice as that is, it's not (yet) the words I will rely on in order to figure out how much I should invest in a relationship with him.
Your advice to inquire and listen while remaining in observation and information-gathering mode is exactly spot on.
Reining in fantasy is an ongoing job for me, when I like somebody this much. So perhaps I should cancel the moving van? :lol: The one thing that would be hardest, and that sobers me, is how I'd feel if I let myself fall in love, and then within two years he's sold his house, packed the moving van, and taken off for California and his sons/grandkids/adjunct post. He has a plan and it's that. And since he mentioned it on our first date it's important that I take it seriously.
Whewwwwwwwwwww. That could be a grand adventure or misery.
xxoo
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hey Hops, life has a way of interfering with plans. If he's not retiring two months from now - realize that what he wants might change. Maybe you'll be the cause of some of that; maybe not.
Hol is spending a LOT of time with new sweetie over the past couple months. One day last week, he said he had a lot to do, so was begging off coming over here. She had a bit of panic and insecurity over it... and I had to talk her back to reality. She's coming out of the day to day routine of having someone living with her and IN a relationship. They're still in the getting to know each other phase - and enjoying each other and spending time together, with no strings attached right now.
That makes it safe for both of them. As long as she remembers Steve isn't Matt. LOL.
lighter:
Holy guacamole, Hops.
I tried to write this out, long hand, and it just boils down, for me, to the Professor's use of words. Both of you understand what the word empathy means?
Empathy vs. Sympathy. Empathy is the ability to experience the feelings of another person. It goes beyond sympathy, which is caring and understanding for the suffering of others. Both words are used similarly and often interchangeably (incorrectly so) but differ subtly in their emotional meaning.
The Professor chose the word EMPATHY with care. He topped it off by emphasizing it..... and I think he knew you'd respond well to it, which you have. His entire message was positive, and hard to find fault with, right?
Hm..... he's looking for a companion with the ability to experience his feelings..... to the point of caring and understanding his suffering, and also his apparent interest in the literary arts. I say this, bc I didn't get that he was extending mutual empathy during that first date, as priority, if at all. You were there, I wasn't. Maybe he did.
I admit I'm judging him more harshly, regarding word choice, than you are. I don't think he's confused "empathy" with "agape, and attraction." I think he chose his words carefully, aimed them at you, specifically, and that it's likely HIS truth.
Whether it goes both ways, I don't know, but I agree he's not choosing words that in any way point to his seeking "marriage."
Companionship, and friendship are words that mean NOT MARRIAGE, IME.
On the upswing, I think it's good that he's not coming right out and claiming interest in marriage just to get your ears to the table, or you in the sack, whatever it is he's seeking with you, and I think he absolutely is interested in spending time with you. I'm just not sure if he's interested in spending time being heard and seen by you, to the exclusion of all other relationship.
I'm glad he's an interesting chap. I'm glad his eagerly seeking your company feels good, and gives you confidence about what you have to offer, bc it's A LOT, IME. You're a beacon of happy light, and companionship, Hops. Don't shine it on unworthy or otherwise unsuited suitors.
If you do, it'll be more lessons about what you want. Nothing more or less. Not good or bad. Just information.
Listen to what this man says, bc I think he's choosing his words with overt care. Maybe ask him what his definition of empathy is.... in an IM, or something?
Have fun on date#2: )
It's not time to worry about his plans for the future. You're still trying to figure out if they include a companion/friend at this point. First things first.
::nod::.
And have FUN!
Lighter
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