Winter Stuff

[lighter]

How was Saturday's date, Hops?

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter.
He was laid low by a horrid cold sweeping through his department, so we postponed it to tonight, and that's been sidelined by the snow topped with ice thing that happened (but will melt off by tomorrow). He tried to fetch his mail and slid all the way down the driveway. Risk of falls around town tonight is clear, loads of places closed. I told him we should "be mindful of our delicate ankles" and stay home. So we're rescheduled for this coming Sat.

He's emailed several times today (we share an antipathy for phones) and has invited me to a dinner party at his house with his colleagues and a visiting international poet. Looking forward to it! Offered to help, curious how that goes.

Hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I don't think I've been very honest here.
The insight with the T was true, looking forward to seeing him is true, feeling good with friends or when meetings take place is true.

But only half of it.

The other half is that while I am dealing with this truth, where the fear comes from, I have reverted to the G*d d*** pasttime that is devouring my life. Hiding in my room (less work scheduled lately), watching endless hours of mindless stuff, reading media, overeating, and not going to exercise.

The phone doesn't ring often. People just don't call to chat much, and I can't think of whom to reach out to other than those I already talk to enough (more would be too much). So there is lots and lots and lots and lots of silence, and long days without contact (unless something's scheduled). So, when I am alone, I am utterly dysfunctional. I keep the public areas tidy enough (had a meeting last night) that the house looks cheery. But the two rooms where my life really takes place are a mess.

I know this avoidance cannot go on without serious consequences, physical or financial or relationshippal. (Made that one up.) And I am glad I have a T to talk about it with. But I am discouraged.

I had a chair recovered and it looks good. I am anxious about him coming over for the first time. I have gained back 5 pounds I'd lost and my hair is sliding out of my head. I am deeply upset over the balding, which has increased. I have lost confidence in beauty and it adds to deeply vulnerable feelings.

That's pretty much it...kind of a general dumping of stuff I usually don't like to say aloud, though I have here, safely before, so just doing it again.

I know I'll be better shortly. I really do. I am just so frustrated with my lack of will. I want to actually make progress. Progress. But evidently I don't want it enough. It makes me dislike and disrespect myself.

Sigh,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, it makes me sad to see you writing that you dislike and disrespect yourself.  I often feel the same way that you do - my physical life seems to go out of the window at times.  I know I should be doing x, y and z but I find myself still sitting an hour later watching YouTube clips about cute cats or repeats of some old comedy that I've already seen a dozen times.  I do go long days without contact with people and sometimes the effort of reaching out is also too much, so I just sit in the quiet with the telly on.

But equally I am aware that when I'm processing deep emotions, veeery old pathways, facing fears and truths, trying to change - whether it's conscious or subconscious - it's almost like my brain and body can't do both.  I can't do all the deep work and also tidy up, phone a friend, cook a decent meal.  It feels a bit like climbing a mountain whilst also trying to do laundry and vacuum the carpets. 

The only thing I can think to suggest (as it seems to be the only thing I can manage in those times) is to do something for five minutes.  Just five minutes of sitting by an open window breathing in fresh air - then close the window again.  Five minutes of tidying away dishes - then back to the telly.  Five minutes of stacking papers into a pile or shoving them in a box.  Then back to the newspaper.  It doesn't make a huge change for me, but it makes me feel like I've done something.

I think you are making progress, but I think sometimes we can't see the progress we're making.  I was talking to someone about stress the other day.  As you know, I have a lot of it in my life, and I decided to try cannabis oil to see if that would help.  I was discussing different options with the chap in the shop, and he pointed out that, with things like stress, sometimes you don't realise something's helping until you're in a stressful situation and it doesn't stress you out as much, or you recover from it quicker.  I think that's an example of how we can be making progress without realising it.  Dealing with fear, deep seated fear, can be so draining, it's very hard to keep doing other things as well.  Which doesn't help - I know you want to be feeling better and getting more done and I understand that.  But equally I think what you're going through is perfectly normal and healthy.  I don't think it's dysfunctional - although I understand you feel it is - I think we experience things in a different way to the way other people see them a lot of the time.

I think the first few times chap comes to visit you can keep him in the public areas.  He doesn't need to see your untidy rooms - that can be your secret for now   I also don't think that he's going to notice you've gained five pounds as it's winter and you can wear plenty of layers.  I know you prefer not to have the extra weight on but I think you've got plenty of time to lose it again.

Hair loss is very difficult to cope with.  Can you make an appointment with a hairdresser to discuss options for short, sassy styles that won't make it so apparent?  I've worn mine short for years now because it's been falling out - it suits me much better and the fallout is much less noticeable?  It's difficult to be forced to make those changes, I find, but at the same time a good haircut can do so much for us.  Do you have a nice hairdresser you can sit and have a chat with and be guided by their recommendations?  You don't need to make a decision on the day, just get some advice, go through some pictures and then have a think about what to do.

I hope a little something can nudge you out of the rut and put a little spring back in your step again.  Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with conking out from time to time, but I know you don't like it so I hope a little something can shift things for you xx

[lighter]

Hops, I so get the messy living space, and food issues right now.  I've not been doing great with food, or weight myself... not since the letters from In Laws, which I'm trying to grapple with emotionally, and maybe getting ahead of it now.  Honestly, for me, it's not about down time.... or how I use it.  It' s about my head space.

Your post seems to hold so much fear (((Hops))), and that comes and goes for me.

I found Biotin was helpful for thickening up hair, and making it healthier/shinier if you haven't considered it.  I'm magically feeling better in my body, no makeup, weigh more than ever, hair whatever, and noticing how refusing to buy into cultural standards, really for the first time, FEELS.  It feels OK.   I'd like to stay in this head space, even if I desire to organize/create more sacred space in my living space..... I want to be at ease in this body.  There's nothing else to do about it, IMO.  I'm getting older, and that's OK.  I'm not as strong, and that's OK too.  I don't have to have the hair and body of a teenager.... bc I'm not supposed to.  Society, tv, magazines sends these insane messages into our heads from everywhere, and it's just not acceptable, IME.   It's bad ju ju, and my definition of beauty has decidedly shifted from that silly self imposed cultural standard that never made sense.  It just made us better victims, and I'm super comfortable being ME.... not the better victim, if that makes sense.  ME is me, not my outer appearance.  Me is my inner world, and the work I do.  Me is how I enrich other people's lives, and how I connect with those people.  Sometimes watching Curiosity Incorporated Youtube videos... particularly loving WE BOUGHT A HOARDER HOUSE... or the POTTER'S HOUSE..... I prefer Potter's house, is ME, and I'm OK with that too. 

I want to knock all that fear and judgement out of your hands, Hops.  I want you to pull back, find more curiosity, and know you're good enough.  YOu always were. 

Our culture idolizes really messed up ideas, and I think we're better off if we don't take it in.  This is our time on earth.  It belongs to us.  We might as well dance by the Amazon fire, and enjoy our faux fur boots while we're wearing them.  Who cares if other people don't dance, or celebrate bonfire style, or wear Amazon battle gear?  WE DO.

I'm curious about the upcoming dinner party.... people who share literary interests, and good food and wine.... likely everyone there will have their own worries about who they are, and what they're falling short on with Vogue standards in mind, etc.

::blowing raspberry::.

 So go, and see how they dance.  You can show them how you dance.  Maybe you'll have a really good time.  I'd certainly lean into it with curiosity about how great it could be.  And it could. 

No matter what happens with the Professor....
No need to fear.  Even if it's not OK... it's OK, ((Hops)).

Lighter

 

[sKePTiKal]

Hmmm. Find myself nodding over Tupp's post about energy vs deep emotional work and not trying to do both at the same time. I like the 5 min. strategy - I'm up to a few hours at a time, using the same "trick" on myself.

Lighter's right about just doing YOU, too. And yes, society is especially hard on us "mature women"... and I'm adding two hands full of flipped birds to Lighter's raspberries for that crap.

Now. Solitude. My friend - but it sounds like not so much yours. I don't feel badly when I have long stretches alone. Might get anxious over Hol, if we haven't touched based in a day or two - especially when I'm dogsitting.

I do get restless. But that's when I see something that I just jump up and dive into - because I've wanted time/space to DO IT. Or, I do something that I much prefer doing all alone. Or that I just enjoy - but Hol not so much. There are still things that I notice I'm resisting doing... but truthfully, between Knuckles and Hol's comings/goings... running up & downstairs to check on the fire, splittling kindling & moving wood or shovelling snow... I haven't had too much "me time" at all this winter. What little I've had - I've put into cooking because I'm enjoying it more now.

The way I'm dealing with the things I'm resisting, is asking myself if:

a) do I really care about and WANT it done?
b) will I thank myself for taking of the job, and also in the process, taking care of me?

I think B is more motivational for me. I'll gripe about A until the cows come home, and still resist doing it... until I add B. Then I just dive in and do it.

[Hopalong]

Tupp, thank you. This rang true and was a powerful comfort to read:

I am aware that when I'm processing deep emotions, veeery old pathways, facing fears and truths, trying to change - whether it's conscious or subconscious - it's almost like my brain and body can't do both.  I can't do all the deep work and also tidy up, phone a friend, cook a decent meal.

Given how hugely I respect you and the way you are processing more than I ever conceived of, to see this commonality, and this common sense...was huge. Yup yup.

Lighter, yessss.

for me, it's not about down time.... or how I use it.  It' s about my head space.....Your post seems to hold so much fear (((Hops))), and that comes and goes....

Such clarity and seeing what is, is. Thank you. Head space is the only space. Yes.

Amber, I like this. A simple alternative way to ask myself a simple prioritizing query.

a) do I really care about and WANT it done?
b) will I thank myself for taking [care of] the job, and also in the process, taking care of me?

Y'all blow my little mind, Amazons. I love you. And here's how The Date just went:

It was my turn to pick a restaurant. This town is paved with them. So I read about a NEW one, Central American and Spanish, and booked us. (He grew up in Costa Rica and had a house in Spain.) He LOVED it! Usual pattern of him madly telling stories. But beforehand...he came to my Most Humble House with milkbones in his pocket, patted Pooch the entire time and was so loving with her (she was Mata Hari at first but gave it up since he was such an easy sell). We drank wine and I'd bought fancy cheese, yakkity yak. And he was blown away by my grandmother's gorgeous piano, seemed to really enjoy the space. Off we went to the restaurant downtown. Yakkity yak. MAN, this guy has stories. I just rolled with it. Food was fabulous, yummy wine too. As we drove home he said something that lifted a big cloud: "Would you ever move?" (While also talking about how he was very happy about having discovered me on that website. And I shared I'd turned off the profile because I don't "juggle people.") I said, "I could never rip up all my roots here, because they're deep. But I could see myself being bicoastal."

He looked really happy, and we did hand-holding and a brief sweet kiss for the first time.

HUH. HUH HUH HUH.

Dayum. Y'all.

Blushing and feeling pretty great,
Hops
(I could never have survived these terrors without you. I mean it. I'm GRATEFUL.)

[sKePTiKal]

I'm glad you had a good time. Remember, dear...

- his incessant chatter may be because this is all new for him too; he probably hasn't dated in decades either and doesn't really feel comfortable YET, talking about much personal stuff.

- but it does seem as if he's relaxing around you a bit; and for now - don't try to read his mind about any questions he asks. You're just TALKING. Getting to know each other.

- it does seem as if you're learning to simply enjoy yourself with him, instead of putting him through the Spanish Inquisition - LOL. It's kinda nice to simply let new relationships organically develop on their own - with surprises along the way rather than "manage" them. Hol is trying to do the same thing, with her new sweetie. We always need to have some history to apply hindsight to, for making decisions or even perceptions that are based on some concrete; something we've seen, heard, felt or experienced.

Someday, maybe the shoe will be on the other foot and you can coach me through all my own silliness over a new relationship. Hope springs eternal - and spring is ALMOST here.

[lighter]

Whoo boy, HOps. 

The date sounded....
good. 

I'm just tickled ya'had fun.

Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((((((((((y'all))))))))))))).

Amber, you're right. It's such a relief to have gotten through my inner Spanish Inquisition. That was all fear-based, but it did matter to me to get clarity that he wasn't just looking for a companion until he pulls the plug and moves.

Just Talking, getting to know each other was a good reminder too. I've gotten myself to lower my guard and for some reason, letting vulnerability in feels right. And I should know, having gotten through heartbreaks before, that I'm brave enough to risk it for something this promising.

Lighter, thanks, it WAS fun. A little note of seriousness is creeping in too (given our ages, one can't take too long) but the fun is feeling great.

He's meeting my close poet friend Thursday, she'll have a glass of wine with us before taking off for a workshop. Then he and I do dinner together, same place. He invited me to also go to a pipe organ concert (in my childhood church, coincidentally) on Friday night. I wrote him "two nights in a row? Really?" (since he has two round trips for professional reasons this weekend). And he wrote back, "Yes! How can there be too much you?"

I'm all chuckles and giggles for now. Feeling something really happy. Early days but y'all got me through big panic that came from old wounds. I'm feeling braver.

THANK YOU, each of you. So much.

Gratitudinously,
Hops

PS Something about getting past the Big Old Fear also liberated me about the dysfunctional stuff. I hopped up, shopped for the first time in ages, did laundry, and have taken good walks two days in a row. BETTER!

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad you're feeling better, Hops, and that the fear related paralysis has subsided.  I'm looking forward to hearing more xx

[lighter]

How did meeting with close poet friend go, Hops?

Lighter