My NM is dead six and half years still in recovering

[Bettyanne]

I thought by now I would have been over her.....but she lived to age 100 never changed a bit.  Right until a few days before she died was so miserable.  She knew she could get away acting like that to me....and being so nice to others who thought she was a Catholic Saint sitting at the right hand of the Lord.  I was 69 years old when she died.  My therapist said what would you have done different had you had a chance to do that when you were young? I can see so clear now what I would have done.  One when she said I had to have a high Mass at my Wedding or there would be no Wedding.....I would have said right there and then so be it.....I could have gone to town hall and got married no big deal either.  The Wedding we did have was all about her and nothing really to do with me and husband Bill.  But at age 21 I didn't know she was a N and thought I was just dealing with a self-centered mother which was  too.
 
Here's a little info that happened just before the Wedding.  My Dad died of melanoma cancer on January 4th, my only sibling who had cerebral palsy who never walked or talked or could feed himself died on the Monday before the Wedding and buried on Wednesday at age 24...I said to my NM lets cancel Wedding but oh no the show must go on.  So Saturday June 6th the show goes on along with High Mass and Bill and I like puppets put on the show.  And of course NM is acting so upset with the loss of her son, which she had very little ever to do with.  So Wedding is now about her....nothing new its always been about her.  So Bill and I go away for a few days but in the meantime her mother another N of sorts is now dying at home. So I call her every other day on what you might call a honeymoon?? but I get it for not calling everyday when I return.   My grandmother at age 87  dies on July 6th a month to the day of the Wedding.  So be it the competition was unreal.....my Wedding was my mothers day of having a party for herself.....the funerals another means of attention.....I am being told I have Bill and no problems to do with the 3 deaths.     Well having just written all of the above this is the beginning of my marriage.  Not to mention the last 21 years of hell having a workaholic mother who never wanted to be home or care for her family.  She hated to grocery shop, cook or clean.  She wanted no part of being a mother.  and now she talks me into moving into her house because she doesn't want to be alone.  So Bill and I give up our apartment and move in with her.....the biggest mistake of my life.....not to mention the abuse I suffered as her daughter..  She leaves for Europe to visit relatives for 3 months....so why am I baby sitting your house lady?? just the beginning of more control. My NM hated grocery shopping or cooking or cleaning..so my dad that after working all day.  He also was good to my brother.....I was like a kid alone in a house of abusive immature adults.....yes this did a lot of damage to me.....sadly
 
Well at this point I can see where if I knew what I was dealing with I should have ran and not even walked away from her.  I see it so clear now so so clear.  How everything was always her way or the highway.  Where she needed constant attention.  Constant control too.  I realize too I never really had a mother just someone who gave birth to me.....I now just call her Betty Lawler no more than that.  At age 75 now .....wow what I wouldn't have given to know about Naracisstic people or for me a NM.....life would have been so different.....had my dad showed some form of boundaries with her....but he was putty in her hands and never would disagree with her.  Her mother another abusive person lived with us and was very controlling too......My mother and grandmother were always  fighting and no resolve of any kind.  My NM would say this was a good thing to do?  for who?? I would say in my head.  Never would I open my mouth to my mother or I would be called a snot nose.  I really do see it so clear how mentally sick she was...my therapist says Borderline and Narcissistic combined. 
Well for anyone reading this who hasn't broken or left the relationship with N people run don't walk....they never change and never will as I saw at 100 with my NM.  They are not happy people...you become their victim and if your their kid they own you.  .....I will continue rest of story in time....Bettyanne

[Hopalong]

Oh Bettyanne. I am very sorry and can relate to so many pieces of your life as the child of an Nmother. What is exhilarating is that in spite of the pain of realization, you DO realize all this now, and your narrative is so clear.

So you're in your 70s now. But it's not a time to give up, decide your life was ruined by an N, and so there's no real point in the present.

THERE IS a point in the present. Now is when you get to learn to release it all, let go of everything you didn't cause, couldn't control or cure in your past.

Whatever you find that helps you do that...will lead you back into the present. With its breezes, and sunrises, and music you've never listened to before, new books, new faces, different experiences whether simple or big. Something creative, something comforting.

Don't ever devalue your life, your being, your enjoyment, and your sense of dignity and peace. You deserve to savor what's good, simple, beautiful, peaceful and bigger than all that history.

Now you can plug into happiness. One little piece at a time. And keep savoring it every day in every possible way, small or big, until this chapter of your life becomes the richest and most rewarding of all.

hugs
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Thanks Hops for your kind reply....I never thought about doing anything for myself.....your right I should do something positive.
Yes she is finally out of my life physically and phone wise......
I will give it some thought and come up with something that feels good.....
I am presently dealing with my husband with prostate cancer stage 4 but a big difference he is a positive man.....
Thank you so so much.....Bettyanne xo

[Twoapenny]

Hugs, Bettyanne.  I could identify with so much of what you said.  The difference is people's lives if they have parents who want what's best for their kids and who can nurture their talents, help guide them through difficult events, give them a good foundation to start from.  It's enormously frustrating to look back at all the what ifs and might have beens.  I often think of life as climbing a mountain - some people seem to start near the top and others seem to have thirty feet of climbing before they even get to the bottom of the mountain, you know?

I think we can see more with hindsight because we aren't in the day to day position of having to cope with it.  We aren't having new problems and events thrown at us daily, so we can start to focus a bit more on the past and think about what life could have been like.  It's hard - especially now if your hubby is poorly, that's a tough one to deal with.  And yes, I agree with Hops, in your shoes I'd try to do as much fun, loving, just for the hell of it stuff as possible (I'm taking that advice for myself as well!).  And tell us what fun stuff you do - I'd love to hear about it

Much love to you,
Tupp xx xx

[sKePTiKal]

I ran, Betty Anne. At age 18. But I didn't know about No Contact, back then... and because it was my mother... it was inconceivable, unheard of, taboo... to not pick up the phone and be at her beck & call, because she "might need me" for something; even just listening to her monologue of woe, which hasn't changed in 50 years - just who she blames for it.

So it was no escape for me. I was still very much dominated and controlled by her. And that pattern worked itself out in 2 marriages, too. The third was a good bit better.

Cancer is a crappy, cheating, lying, sneaky thing to deal with. Been there done that, with hubby #3. I'm now going on year 4 since he died, and doing OK. Not exactly ready to find a new guy though. I miss HIM and while I'm not opposed or closed off to meeting someone new... it hasn't happened in my new life yet. Right now, it's "me time", and I think you'll know what I mean.

If ya need to talk about it, I'm usually around here somewhere.

[lighter]

Bettyanne:

I'm sorry your husband has cancer, but glad his attitude is positive. 

(((Bettyanne and husband)))

Take care of yourself too.

Lighter

[Bettyanne]

I just want to thank all of you for your replies.....and I will write back soon....Bettyanne