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Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
Wise and perceptive takeaways, Amber.

The first makes sense because M really is an extraordinarily talented masker. He has been performing nonstop his whole life. Where he feels most alive is in the solitude of his scholarship, and he has no limits and great success there.

I do feel empathy for him, as I did for Nmom, who was the same. Actual connection or intimacy is blocked by inability to tolerate others' pain. And buried deep, I believe he carries a lot of unrecognized shame. If he can't force others to fit his agenda, he is afraid, I believe. So he just increased his force and felt angry when I was "resistant." He's not inspired by enduring the discomfort of inner growth, because there is money, there is food, there is wine, there is travel. He spins fast, and his older age is going to be different than the endless visions of it he spun -- for himself, and for me.

My frustration was seeing what we both were missing out on. I remember my first husband quitting joint therapy. He wrote me a letter years after our divorce apologizing for that and acknowledging that if he hadn't, we might have been able to save our marriage. That was so impressive to me, and I told him I forgave him completely and was so moved that he'd sent me that letter. Healing tears.

With M, no apology or reflection or accountability would ever have been offered, because I believe he senses unaware that he would shatter. And that is very sad.

But no longer anything for me to be invested in. It was what it was and I took much too long to fully accept it.

Interesting New Year detour, or reflection. VERY important in that it showed me how I'm responsible, by myself, for not toying with fantasy, revisiting old wounds I've mostly healed from, or spending time in denial of any kind. Who knew what sending a card would trigger? I should have resisted that brief urge, but it's okay.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
He's still eligible for an arse kicking from me, Hopsie, don't make me come over there!  Lol.  I do know with myself that I've sometimes got to a point with a former relationship where the nice bits are on my mind more than the reasons it finished.  Then I do what you did; I reach out because I see a funny article I know they'd like or find a photo that I know they'd appreciate.  Then their response, like M's, makes me remember why we don't do that anymore.  I think sometimes you just need the reminder.  As frustrating as it may be at the time.

Hopalong:
I'd love to make you come over here, Tupp! We could sell tickets for the arse-kicking and schedule it at the farm sanctuary. Options for attendees:
hug a pig, tickle a sheep, watch Tupp make dents with her boots in M's posterior.
Hard choices....

You're exactly right, I was needing the reminder.
What I have to resolve next is how I feel about how much the exchange upset me.
That reveals that sometimes what I tell myself about myself isn't true.
I'm certainly over the relationship, it's not that...but dismayed at how anxious I became. Just from two or three emails! I guess what it says is that I am still vulnerable and his way of relating churns up a lot of fear and pain.

Don't need that ever again if I can avoid it. The bizarre reaction to loneliness of the last several years has been in a way increased fear of people, when being with people more is actually what I need.

hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
Fooled ya! I'm not in a new relationship with an individual, but this is a quick update about my relationship with the community.

Our local version of www.vtvnetwork.org is launching now. I'm feeling joy and pride about my work. I was VP, now head up Outreach and Marketing.

Just finished a comprehensive, 6-panel brochure that's off to the printer tomorrow, our designer did a gorgeous job, and I'm feeling happy and fulfilled. It's surprising! Also got our elegant flyers back from the printer, and feel proud of those as well.

We'll pass both out everywhere and I feel a lot of joy that it's taking off. (Mostly due to our inspiring leader, the Pres.) So many lonely or struggling elders here will find life easier and happier now, because of this new nonprofit.

That's it. Just wanted to share this moment and figured this thread would do.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Aw Hopsie, that's amazing!  I had a look at the link you put up; I know you've mentioned it on here before but I'd somehow missed that it's a whole nationwide scheme that's in place.  What an amazing idea and so nice that you've been able to be so involved in it all and get it off the ground :)  I really firmly believe that those sort of community connections are such a big help.  Sometimes it's something small, like a lightbulb that needs changing.  But if you can't get up a step-ladder yourself and you don't have anyone to ask - that's a lonely place to be.  To know you've a local contact that can get someone to come over and help you out will be such a big thing for so many people.  I'm so happy it's all coming together and it's been so enjoyable for you to do.  Is it a big group of people that have been setting it all up or just a few of you?

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