Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Hopalong:
PS We also talked about the money stuff. I told him it most definitely is one of my future worries, but it is also extremely important to me that I maintain my values and character and not get confused about it. He said he was very surprised that I'd mentioned early on that if we wound up together it was critical that he have a pre-nup. (I'd told him it was because I was affected by the paranoia of some other affluent men I'd met re. gold-digging women, and also because if his family is going to feel good, they have to KNOW that things are clear.) He's going, oh that's totally unecessary, I'm still taking care of my mother's retired housekeeper etc (which I know he is, and through a lot of other-country bureaucracy). I do not abandon people.
I believe him. But I said you need to take care of your kids' and grandkids' futures, and he said, I can. So I said I can tell you right now what I'd ask for: If you should predecease me which you're not allowed to do, I would like enough money to fix up my little house plus enough for a decent care place if I needed it one day. He suggested a staggering amount and that shut me up.
I think he really is not worried about all that. So I feel less so. If we get our communication in gear (oh god, please teach him "I messages") ... we might be ok.
He's seeing his new T tomorrow. Please send him light! He'll love it, getting to talk nonstop for 90 minutes.
Whewwww,
Hops
Hopalong:
CB,
It is so amazing to hear your voice here again.
It's like somebody opened a window and the oxygen just poured in, plus sunlight and lots of flower fragrances!
Thanks for the support. Can't wait to offer it back.
xxoo
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, I just want to say that I think your fear of ending up alone in some grotty care home is, unfortunately, a reality that many people have to face and is therefore not anything you should feel bad about fearing. Nor do I think wanting to achieve a comfortable later stage life is the same as gold digging or just doing that 'hands in the air, look after me' thing that so many of us have fought hard against throughout our lives.
I think it's balance, as always, and you know yourself well and know what you can and can't sacrifice. You won't throw aside every principle you have to secure a comfortable retirement; you know that and so do we. But if it gets to the point where life with M can be a bit testing but is on the whole good and you can cope if you get a long weekend to yourself each month then I think that's okay. Sometimes a picture perfect life doesn't match with reality and the drop between our ideal and then what we really get can be huge. So finding a place in between the two is okay, in my opinion.
I hope that you are able to find a path through with him. The good bits sound very good and it may well be that the mad bits are more to do with the grief (which presumably will ease in time) and maybe just even getting used to being with a woman who doesn't think he's amazing because he can throw a bit of cash around - maybe he's going to have to work at impressing you in other ways and he's not used to it. Either way I'm sure you will keep your head and make sensible choices and it would be nice if there is a happy ending to this but equally we all know you will put the brakes on if need be xx
sKePTiKal:
So GOOD... that rough patch was navigated delicately and successfully. Onwards!
(Had an odd idea that might help with the sex thing... I wonder if he could completely give you control over taking the initiative? That might work well for breaking the ice. Maybe it's a dumb idea, but I didn't know if you'd considered it.)
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp...you gave me such a heartening, reality-based, thoughtful summary. (I can't believe how beautifully and kindly you do that over and over for different situations.) I appreciate it so much!
What you really do (and do and do) is increase my confidence when it's slipping. There's nothing more valuable a person can do for another...much gratitude, dear.
Amber, bless you, for always looking for where the needed tool is, knowing that a doer can do, a solution can be found for most things, plans can be redrawn, and that building never ends--whether it's within the self or the external world (that reflects the self). You're a running inspiration.
And poor M probably wouldn't dream of thinking he's in charge in that area. I've been direct and clear and am comfortable saying No as I need to. So I think when I'm ready to say Yes, he'll just be happy. (I am in no hurry.)
love y'all,
Hops
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