Relationship/s

[lighter]

Oh, Hops.

I hope you can enjoy his enjoyment in you.  I hope his amazement, and attraction makes you feel amazing, and attractive.  Powerful, and seductive.  In control, and grateful that he's so attracted to you, for so many things, in so many ways.  You're well rounded, intellectual, matched so well in so many ways.... this male/female magnet is a small part of a bigger picture... not THE PICTURE.

In other words... I hope you can have a glass or two of wine, get into something that makes you feel powerful/at your best, then let him discover more amazing things about you, for surely he'll be amazed no matter what you do.  (But he can't whine or whatever it is that drives you nuts.)  He just can't. 

::shaking head::  Both Ts need to go over this, with both of you guys, and it needs to be something that's not happening anywhere AROUND intimacy.  Appears he's surfing pretty good right now.

I'm in favor of undies on, making out like teenagers for a bit, myself.  Agreement up front, lots of in small steps.  Maybe you've already climbed those smaller hills in Paris? 

Worst case scenario, take a nerve pill, and try to be amazed at his amazement.... stay curious, and nonjudgmental as you can.  You might be super surprised in a happy way!

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter -- warm words well received.

I do have to confess I noticed the how-tos, though: drink wine, negligee, nerve pill, whatever.

I honestly DON'T need/want how-to suggestions (got that part) but I was happy and comforted by your great suggestions for the emotional side. That's where I've been wobbly.

Thank you!

Hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

You'll be OK Hops. It's all about being really close to someone and showing empathy and compassion with touch. Start there and you'll discover it's a lot more than that. One thing naturally leading to another, as is usually the case. Those are really good feelings, IMO.

[lighter]

 I wrote "something that makes you feel powerful/at your best."

I certainly did not write "negligee."    
::nod::.

[Hopalong]

Got it!



I really did perk up with the emotional strengthening you gave, ((((Light)))).

Thanks, hon.

Hops

[lighter]

You really seem to connect with him,  Hops.  This is so different from your last relationship.  I hope that's real for you.  Every day.

Also, you can ask for what you want.  You can steer this thing into your comfort zone... maybe?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks much, Lighter.

I can. I do. I think I spent months trying to get across what I DON'T want that I couldn't focus well on the nuances. But thank god, he got it, and backed off the relentless repetitive pressure that was driving me nuts.

Somehow, I still believed it was his anxiety, nothing horrible. Just that, yet it was still driving me crazy. Then...he went into therapy. And almost overnight, he relaxed and cut out most of it, and then I told him another piece, and found that when I said directly (just as you're recommending) "I don't like that" -- he stopped doing whatever it was.

One small thing I should've spoken up about earlier was his habit of taking my wrist or hand unexpectedly when I was walking past him. I know he felt he was just reaching out to me, acting on impulse, but it made me feel trapped and jumpy. Sure enough, I opened my mouth and explained that...and he's never done it since.

Our communication is waaaay better and there's just a deeper connection now. I'm amazed but since HE relaxed (and I think therapy is the reason), I am relaxing more too. And that's gradually bringing me to what he wanted in the first place!

Men.
Love him but what a challenge it was...I had a lot of resistance to work through.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, I have absolutely no advice to give you because I have 'been without' for so long now I wouldn't have a clue what to do now!  But I am really glad that you and M have/are working through things and that the things that were bugging you seem to have receded (bull fighting and suckling pigs aside!).  But it's great that he hears you and is willing to work at things and make changes.  I'm really happy for you and I hope that at some point it just feels 'okay' and the nervousness dispels a bit xx

[lighter]

Hops:

I'm just tucking into the book FACING CODEPENDENCE, What it is, Where it comes from, How it sabotages our lives by Pia Mellody, and the part about feeling resentment....

feeling resentment....

feeling resentment.... struck a chord, for myself, when I read it this morning. I SEE that in my life.  I've lived it.  I'm so very tired of it inhabiting my life in ways I wasn't even aware of, but see when I examine it... or have it pointed out for me. 

It struck a chord reading your post about M taking your wrist or hand, not that it's applicable. 

SO MANY CHORDS, really, and

The words "I feel resentful" were the buzzwords I spoke JUST before my T suggested the Codependency books, and now I see WHY she suggested them.  I wish I'd read them long ago.   I wish we could directly input this information into children when they're in grade school, but I digress. 

I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel whatever it is coming up, for certainly you do.  I'm suggesting there might be something underneath it, that's observable, and helpful to discern.

Or not.

You're speaking up, expressing how you feel, asking for what you want, and asking M to stop doing certain things is HUGE,  Hops. 

Those pesky boundaries, right?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Turns out, the secret was

BUBBLE

BATH.



A happy
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

 

(((hops)))

[Hopalong]

Amber, had this in reply to you on Codependence thread but realized it goes here.

M and I looked at a house for fun and have talked about it a bit, and he indicated I could start learning what's out there since he has to start teaching next week, and I realized I wasn't sure about the parameters. So I didn't make it complicated, just asked: What is the range you're comfortable spending and what square footage? So he told me, so now I can focus. It all has to wait until he sells his condo in San Jose (CR), which might take a while, since he doesn't touch principal. And that's good to know too. (It helps that we've already had the money talk: it's simple for us because he's got it, I don't, and he's ready to spend it on our life and even to support me. I have my SS so won't be completely dependent (except for travel but he has literally hundreds of thousands of FF miles so I can accept the rest more easily) and after we move in together I'll have some rent coming in from this house. But in the big picture, he's going to buy the house and that simplifies things.) He's even open to the idea of a wing on my current house, which I'd love, but I doubt that'll work out.

Not worrying about it but it's a new phase for us. Complicated but happy to think about. I'm in no rush, and leaving this sweet hideaway will be hard. Likely nothing could happen before spring or next summer anyway. So I'll savor my time here while I can.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Turns out, the secret was

BUBBLE

BATH.



A happy
Hops

Aw, Hops, I hope that means what I think it means!  Who'd have thought bubble bath was the key   I'm glad this has become a happy phase now rather than a worrisome one xx xx

[lighter]

Bath time is lovely, Hops.  I'm so happy for you: )
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, guys. Blush.

We just went downtown for cafe dinner out, with Pooch. She does her diva thing (with the melting brown eyes that look rimmed in eyeliner) and collected pats in all directions from our table. I mean, people melt at her face and stop in their tracks to come pat her, it's so fun...

We ate and talked and enjoyed good wine and M was just waxing romantic nonstop, narrating our relationship and how happy he is. He was in good form. We even looked at another house he was quite enthused about and I could definitely adapt to. Fun!

Hugs
Hops