Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
lighter:
I'm glad you're not feeling urgency around this, Hops. Just put it out there, do what you can, and see what happens. No sense filling yourself with what ifs and worst case scenarios.
In fact, I think holding more curiosity, and fewer expectations is a positive resting position. Just bc he's spinning, when he spins, doesn't mean you have to. It also doesn't mean he'll spin like that forever.
::nod::.
sKePTiKal:
Appalachian mountain men kinda have that same male-ego blindness, Hops. It helps a little if you can accept that as part of the charm, while still setting your boundaries and maintaining them. It's not a terrible thing (for me anyway) to have an opportunity to explore more of that traditional feminine side and see how it feels at this stage of my life... because Buck has the other stuff all figured out. It's not that he won't let me participate (I remind him a lot) - just that it's easy for him to decide, design & construct.
But what I wanted to point out to you is that the first anniversary IS difficult; and IMO, it needs to be acknowledged, honored, time taken out to appreciate what was and is no longer. It's not sufficient to completely bury those feelings in activity, words, or social interactions. IF it were a genuine relationship at any rate - some aren't and the "loss" is actually more of a "good riddance". Some people do very well for long chunks of their life in a superficial relationship. I'm not one of them. If nothing else, that one-year mark becomes a milestone to a chapter in M's personal history and still needs those moments of appreciation. It does start to get easier after that... and a lot of the emotional energy can get released to potentiality at that point.
I think time operates differently in the emotional world, if you want to entertain sci-fi explanations. But then, I have no way to validate that theory - it's just my personal experience.
Hopalong:
Thanks MUCH, everyone.
We had a relaxed evening after a goofy session alone in the pool wherein I gave him a standup (swimup) routine explaining a reality TV show, a really stupid one about romance, that I freely confess I enjoy. I was spoofing all the characters ("contesticles" as the men are called by one witty blogger), and miming stuff, and M got hysterical. Nothing makes me much happier than making someone laugh, so I'm tickled he finds me funny. It was a great way to relax before going back to his house for dinner.
I remember thinking, I'm just going to relax and be myself this evening, and I did enjoy it. He was calmer too. And served me another awesome meal, and we drank wine on the deck at sunset. He'd had a tough week at the U. and it was nice to chill out together.
Lighter, your scathing but truthful depiction of his infantile side really sobered me. It was reality and a kind of stem-level depiction of dependency. Not my favorite moments with him but I'm still drawing those boundaries. Pretty comfortably. I enjoyed a friend's company downtown this evening, and then my own later, just watching the golden light and happy people enjoying the amazing weather, and pooch. I sat over my dinner at a favorite cafe and just savored it all. M had mentioned what he was having for dinner and I'd had no expectation of us being together tonight, and later he still had a way of upping the ante, conveying anxiety--a later call to double check about the next two evenings, etc etc. The man does CLUTCH. He constantly makes the next plan and the next plan and the next, and I react by refusing to firm up all the details for casual get-togethers until the day of, because I feel hemmed in by having absolutely every encounter on the calendar. Formal things or things that include others, sure, we can book those. But on a day to day basis I want the freedom to retreat and he'll have to get used to it. I'm trying to work on just maintaining my own security/maturity and will find out over time if his improves. I liked what you said about spinning. Good term for it.
Amber, he's not acknowledging the anniversary much--I brought it up very tenderly. Or, he started deflecting it (reminding me he "had her blessing" to find someone) and I said it's not about me, I was referencing that you lost her a year ago. Then he said, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I feel glad when he mentions her and sometimes I hoist a toast to her in the clouds.
And I hear you about his more traditional masculinity. I'm a bit different though in that traditional feminine roles or rituals do tend to make me extremely uncomfortable. I'm feminine looking but inside, preoccupied with power systems, always have been. I'm happy you are comfortable with the yin and yang of you and Buck, because every couple is unique in that balance.
CB, I think he can be acting in a cultural way that feels natural to him AND also have anxiety neurosis! His own work in therapy, and time, are all that can be done about the anxiety. But the cultural stuff...he seems always open to talking about that fairly rationally (apart from a few knee-jerk things he struggles to change). His brilliant intellect really does mean that he's not stuck in concrete, because when I challenge his worldview he genuinely loves that. He calls it "transgressive" "so smart" etc etc...so I think that's where a lot of our growth together takes place. We talk a lot about the world, and cultures, and ideas, and patterns in humanity, etc.
That's the biggest compatibility we have, being able to connect in the area of ideas.
Domestically, M is an insecure drama queen who is dying to formalize and finalize our life together, at which point I think he'll feel more secure. But I'm not jumping at it until I know he's into the growth and the work and won't go inert once wifey's in place. All these critical comments aside, the man really does love me, and after 25 years without, I'm grateful.
He was creating drama today of me going back to the medical center to get another cardiac monitor (same test needs repeating as results were ambiguous for afib). He kept saying, please call me and let me know how "the procedure" went. Are you okay? Etc. And I was just going to get a big electrodes patch thingy stuck on my chest. No procedure, no crisis, just a prosaic clinic visit to get that, nothing else. Exact same monitoring I did before. So I was NOT feeling anxious or in crisis mode or fragile, but he was going there. Felt a little irritated but just didn't buy in.
I told him earlier this week I'll be having a gum graft procedure coming up. He calls me back, intent on telling me I'll "have to have a driver that day because of anesthesia" and he had no idea. Just leaps to the most dramatic scenario in which he will be my essential white knight and rescuer. I think that's how he sees love.
Anyway, all this is just ins and outs of learning how to be with this man. I feel calm tonight, kind of in "don't sweat the small stuff" mode, and I think that's good.
He also gave me excellent eye contact, looking really vulnerable, and I said gently, "How 'bout that" and I sensed some new light had gone on. He's still worth it.
hugs and thanks again,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hops I think you're doing great sorting all this out comfortably.
As for anniversaries, yeah... I have had an understanding with Mike too for years before he passed. But that doesn't mean even 4 years later, I don't have those sneaky guilt feelings creeping in sometimes or even some other types of - for me, surprising - strange reactions going on. The other widows I communicate with have mentioned the same things. Usually, acknowledging and having a bit of a "talking to" with oneself is all that's needed to straighten things out again.
Now I'm gonna go further nurse this weird sinus attack or head cold or whatever it is, that has me pretty much out of commission. Y'all just carry on.
Twoapenny:
Yes I agree with Skep, it's great that you're keeping yourself steady when M wobbles and giving everything time, space, honest discussion, a bit of back and forth, it's great that things aren't making you run for the hills (as things seem to settle down a bit each time). I'm glad you're back in a good place with things, Hops, and Skep, I hope you feel better soon! xx
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