Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
lighter:
Hops:
I can picture you exchanging private grins with M, after the hard work is done. When comfortable knowing has replaced limbic chaos.
I'm glad I'm utilizing my toolbox too. It's not easy to do when I'm struggling, and that's when I need it most.
Lighter
CB123:
Hops,
I'm so sorry what you are going through with you fella. I want so badly to be reassuring: "stick with it!", "with work you will get through it!", but I have been through too much and this is much to familiar. I don't see as much romance as a battle for boundaries and it's possible that he has been in this place before, thus the desperation.
I was kinda horrified at some of the stuff he was saying about physical touch, and his trying to commandeer you as you walk, and the conversation later. If you had written a script of my marriage, I don't think you could have done it better--right down to the insistence on holding hands while walking even though the gaits don't match and the tension that ensues, and the battle of wills after.
I am not able to hold onto hope for you in this relationship, but if there is anything I can give to support and encourage you, I surely will.
Please be careful, dear Hops. You are such a special person and you know you mean the world to me.
CB
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. I can so easily join the fantasy about the future private grins. I just don't know...every time I rely on my imagination, I lead myself astray.
CB, thank you. What you said is very sobering, but I'm glad of it. I don't know how to tease out the difference between M and your ex but I trust you profoundly, so what echoed for you, echoed.
I had a funny reaction in part, which was: CB just strengthened my spine.
Then another, which I'm not freaked about but is real: I have nobody else; I want it to work.
I think those things will be circling and circling until I figure out whether spine plus need can coexisit, without me devolving into a puddle of fear-of-stroke and all the old fears I've tended for too long.
I will try to remain honest with myself and with him. And we'll see whether together, we can grow.
I honestly don't know yet. We're in our eighth month, and both dragging age-70 accumulations of baggage.
I'd like to be open to the possibility that there's hope. But I do have a desire for reality above all. And then, there's a sense of vulnerability I didn't have 10 or 20 years ago.
I have a lot to learn.
Thank you.
Hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
So now I'm a bit depressed.
I can feel myself sinking a little into an emotional place
of mistrust of M. I don't really want to do that. And I'm
not 100% sure he's earned it.
What saddens me is how dislike, in moments, can pollute
a whole happy thing.
So I'd like to ask myself (and my T) how to look at these
things in perspective. I hope she can help; at times she's
seemed discouraging about the relationship.
Good news is I'd forgotten how soon our first couples counselor
appt was coming up...it's tomorrow.
I may just be feeling discouraged but exaggerating the signficiance
of that. I need more emotional resilience to make good decisions.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, my thoughts, for what it's worth - I think it's very difficult to filter out different types of behaviour and reactions, on both sides, whether in a new relationship or an old one. We all have things that are good for us, bad for us, things we can live with and things we can't. We all have things that are reasonable or unreasonable to us, that are all influenced by our previous experiences and our expectations, I think, as well as our fears for the future.
So I think it's perfectly normal for you to be feeling the way you do and see sawing back and forth over M, and it's very good that you are being open and honest about them, with yourself, most importantly. Your fear over spending your later years alone and on a low income is a very valid and sadly only too real one, that many people share and understand. I think it's particularly hard when you've spent many years in difficult or unequal relationships, then a long time working on yourself and then you kind of look up and the picture in front of you doesn't always look very rosy. It's good to be positive, but also necessary to be realistic, I think, so I think your need to get this right is a very real and valid one and I can understand how you feel very much.
I really felt for you over the 'walking out of sync' thing. I have had times when I'm out with son and a friend. Son will walk, holding me arm. I'm pushing his wheelchair, empty at that point, because he may need it as the day goes on. Friend is walking alongside me, chatting away, oblivious to my balancing act of son on my arm and chair handling, and the effort of juggling those things whilst trying to keep up with the conversation is very tiring, so I completely understood your feelings about the hand holding incident. I did wonder if his T has told him to ask, "Can I walk you to the door, can we hug?" as a way of confirming it's okay? It sounded to me like one of those clunky things people start practising when they first go to therapy. It will be interesting to see how the session goes when you are both talking about the same topic at the same time.
I suppose what comes across as the biggest challenge (from an outsiders perspective) is that you are used to managing and analysing your own emotions, whereas it seems M is used to other people managing them for him. But perhaps that will be something that comes out in the couples session and will start to improve.
I think you are looking at things in perspective. I haven't read anything that's made me think you're over-reacting. You seem to be looking at things calmly and objectively, and giving yourself time and space when you need it. I think that's good. I think you can mistrust him for a bit without letting on to anyone and it's okay - it will probably pass and you'll have a clearer idea. I think the couples session will probably give you a better idea; it will be interesting to see what happens when someone else is making suggestions and asking questions and giving you both time to respond :) I hope it goes well xx
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