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Relationship/s

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lighter:
Hops:

You aren't assuming anything.

You're seeing a T with M to determine what's real, and what's not.

Maybe he can learn, and maybe he can't. 

You won't know until you get curious, drop expectation, and  employ your As.

Assess
Accept
Act

All in due time, and this is due diligence.

I'm curious, have you ever though M is PD?

I haven't felt that,  but now that CB is alarmed, it seems you might?

This next leg of the journey begins tomorrow.

Keep yourself safe, trust your instincts, and honor self-care.  Maybe keep a journal.  Practice your lean, and see if your intuition is correct. 
Lighter

sKePTiKal:
So far, I've held my piece on this last description. Part of it is due to the crazy stuff I'm going through here; and part of it is because while I want to support you Hops, and give you a giant hug... I truly think that in a relationship with someone, some people rely too heavily on other people's advice and are even pushed off balance by other's experiences and fears.

I know I tend to relate my personal experiences to what other people are going through a lot. And I s'pose that's natural. (I'm trying to get past being hyper-sensitive to the verbal onslaught about me, from Hol. It takes a toll, even when I do have my feet firmly back in my center again.)

The neediness of M, can be overwhelming to someone who needs more space to process thoughts, emotions, and just the she said/he said. It's good he's able to express that he's feeling your need for space as a rejection... now, how can he learn that it's not? Can he simply strengthen himself enough that it's perfectly OK to not hear from you for a couple days? Take care of himself? So, this is communication. It's also some of the reason the relationship WORKS, even though you've experienced a bit of opposite needs and timing.

Can you find some small way to reassure him that a temporary need for space and quiet, isn't a threat to the relationship?

I'm asking a lot of questions over on this side of the state line too. About all the relationships I'm involved in presently. Just listening for my own answers first; before I ask the people in question for their answers.

Hopalong:
Thanks so VERY much all-a y'all. I am soooo grateful for your input. Doesn't matter if every thought is magically on point or not, because when I read I know I have FRIENDS, REAL FRIENDS who care enough to share a point of view on my detailed, repetitive internal stuff. And external. Thank you.

Tupp, I felt really comforted by your post, and your reassurance that I'm not processing or thinking anything wildly out of bounds or irrational as I look at my situation. That really mattered and helps me feel more confident to face some of this stuff. I think sometimes that when a struggle has been long, exhausting and also under the umbrella of economic fear and without family, it is a little different. That you understand that part, without judgement, is a piece of reality that I appreciate a lot. And you're not blind to the draw of love and being loved, either. It's a balance. M wants security too, as he doesn't want to be without a loving companion. I'd like us to create it for each other.

Lighter, again your perception of what he is most likely to be feeling, and where he may be in his own emotional development, is quite amazing. I wonder if given some of what you've been through, your necessary vigilance encompassed an incredible amount of close, daily, really radar-like observation. It's as though you understand male energies in a very profound way. I think you have a (very expensive) PhD in it. Luckily for me, you are able now to see those male energies compassionately too, without the fear. I can't describe how much I'm benefiting from this. So far, I don't find myself thinking he has a personality disorder, fortunately.

Amber, you're spot on. We really do need to figure out "codes" for letting each other know what we need. And you're right I can be impacted by others' experiences too, but I understand that. I also identify really tightly with different pieces of different stories, but I think I'm okay in generally sorting that out. When I catch it, I'll cop to it. (Usually later than is useful, but I'll get there). Thanks for your simple common sense, that the key issue is to teach M (but more importantly, that he teach himself, which may take a while) that absence doesn't mean disappearance, just means "not here or not available" right now. I think you and Lighter both are reminding me that if I deal with my own anxiety effectively, I'll be in better shape to offer him reassurance.

My own T is pretty connected to my feelings about boundaries and violations and all that. Perhaps even too much so. So that brings me to our first couples-T we met with today.

She was lovely. Very smart, very good at guiding us back and forth. I wanted M to go first and he talked so long (surprise!) that I was anxious about having time to get out my own story. But it did work. I listened in silence to his whole story about his backstory and his take on us. He talked often about "we" this and that, which she picked up on and guided him back gracefully to speaking for himself. During my turn, I was surprised how much I said about how I feel and how openly and also, how painful it was to do so.

In a nutshell, I talked about loving M for his big personality and also feeling engulfed by it.

Here's one thing I noticed and feel odd about. There's a lot of cultural stuff going on between M and me. I think she is also from Latin America, if I got her accent right. And she is more feminine than I feel I am. So I got a little worried about how she thinks about feisty-feminist American women. I also got in touch with how VERY fierce I am about protecting my personal space and choices and how much M challenges that at times. I identified that I might feel OVER-fierce sometimes. One huge thing she pointed out when I described my two marriages was, "You've never had the experience of being intimate with a non-abusive man." Huh. I then told her about the big exception, my lovely gentle father, and she said that my first bond with a male being him boded very well. And that helped me reconnect with M's nurturing side. That is real...even though the flip side feels overbearing.

We both got to share a lot that made a lot of sense. And she was very skilled. We have another person to see in about a week before we decide who we're going to work with. I felt vulnerable and drained afterward and M was joyful, very optimistic.

On balance, I feel better too. I think counseling together is essential and will take a while. And that's okay. I do believe it's an investment of time and effort that is worth it. I reconnected with loving M.

Your next weather report will probably be late tonight!

I love y'all. Truly.

Gratefully,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Damn Hops -- that's a lot of WHEW! Going to take a while for my slow brain to process. But on balance, it's sounds GOOD.

Hopalong:
Thanks, ((((Amber)))). I'm feeling good too.
A lot of tension emptied in that session.

Lovely dinner with M. He's still his repeating self...
but very tender and urgent and sincere, I believe.
And I felt less defensive.

You'll like our first code. She (M thinks Eastern European,
not Hispanic) suggested Silencio! He liked it, so now I get
to say that whenever his talking barrage is flooding me.

FUN. I have a power word!

Hugs
Hops

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