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Hopalong:
PS to Lighter (from Farm Life)--
I think understanding what ruminating is, is tremendously important for all of us. I'm glad you pulled out that word.

Thanks,
Hops

lighter:
I'm relieved to read about the T too, Hops. It's an amazing gift to speak without fear, and it's a miracle when we FEEL understood.  Actually BEING understood is whole'nuther level of miracle, IME.

Even if it's the T who gets you.  There's great hope she can help M understand as well. 

About code words... my mother used to say "LV" to the girls when they were little, and in public.  It meant "little voices."  Sometimes the girls and I use it with each other,  still.  There's a different kind of energy to original code, I think.  It's always used in a very gentle way, as reminder, not judgment. 

It has to be something you can use in front of his peeps, kwim?

::thinking::.

Was "silencio!" a joke?

Lighter

Hopalong:
It was his lighthearted choice of a good code to use with him when I feel overwhelmed by his talking nonstop and need some quiet. She supported it because having him choose it, and seeing him respond with a smile, meant it would be a good one to use.

I resisted a bit at first, since I'd rather say something in my own language, but agreed to try it. No harm. And her inviting him to choose it was a savvy way to have him buy in to the idea.

M is completely bilingual, speaks and teaches in both English and Spanish.

(I do need to ask this T why, when I had some reaction to something--I don't remember what--she mentioned I had a "snotty" look. I didn't really like that but was too startled to say anything.)

Hops

lighter:
Hops:

I misunderstood the silencio thing... .thought it was the T who liked it.  Sorry. 

I do think that's cute, but only between you and M.  In mixed company, I doubt he'll share that smile in the same way, when he's struggling, IMO.

About your "snotty" look.  I've been paying attention to my facial expressions late, with one person in particular, and I have a flash of emotion take over my expression that I was completely surprised by. 

Don't get defensive.  Try to pay attention to your expression, as a matter of curiosity, and see what you catch.  Sometimes our faced DO things we're not aware of, IME.  I think I'd want to provide clarity, certainly AND at the same time I think it sucks that women are judged "bitchy" every time we have a less than happy emotion cross our faces.  During the trials I was in trouble for it all
the
time. Even with my own team of advocates.  My frustration at the injustice.  At the crazy made up stories.  At my distress, coming out of my nervous system but having to PERFORM in public all the time, with everyone judging me.  I just honestly had to be made aware of what my face and demeanor WAS so I could stop sabotaging myself in that way.  I find men and women punish us for looking generally bitchy, as defined in this culture.  It can be fear, distress, frustration, ongoing abuse and voicelessness and it's judged the same way, which is FRUSTRATING too, IME. 

I love that M bought into the concept of code word.  I think that's wise, and smart, and necessary.  Good on'ya and T to gain his compliance.  That's half the battle, I think.  Staying engaged, and drive to learn is the next part. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
I'm totally into RBF, but inasmuch as I couldn't SEE my own face at the moment, I think it was odd of the T to make a judgey comment like that.

It is my only hesitation about choosing her. Sometimes something like that hints at underlying bias. Who knows? She may not like women who express themselves strongly, or have unconscious anti-women bias. Many many women do. Or it may just have been a poor choice of words. I think it was.

Overall though, I did like her and found her skillful. We'll see. We're meeting with another one in a couple weeks and I appreciate the chance to make choices. Not just go with the first meeting, which was still cathartic and helpful.

I've just been on the receiving end of bad counseling a couple times in my life, so I'm cautious. She may be the right one, or not. I'm actually going to ask her about that comment and explain to her why I didn't like it, and just see what she says. To avoid dragging M into it, I might just call and leave that concern on her voicemail, and see if she responds. I will share with M that I'm doing that, in case she pulls the "we have to have another full session before you say anything more..." thing.

Hops

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