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Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
I didn't eat bad food and drank no alcohol...tons of water tomato juice...I figure I picked up the virus on the first flight and it flowered after a few days. I only wish I hadn't held little V (2 weeks old) for an hour the night before I got symptoms! But all reports since have said she's fine. CB, I might actually try a mask. And Lighter, the surfaces thing...that is so true. Planes are definitely not sanitized, so every tray table, light or air or call button or seatbelt buckle or bathroom handle...all must be freaking petri dishes. Yikers. Maybe another trip I'll take along some disinfectant wipes and get serious about trying to reduce that vulnerability. How to avoid touching face, when putting glasses on and off much less blowing nose over 8 hours...hard one. But I'll try to do something! We've got Costa Rica for the holidays and Spain in spring and maybe a return trip to CA in March. I need to survive!

The good stuff. This part of M's family is LOVELY. The sons are brilliant, sensitive, kind. The DILs are kind, also very smart (didn't have as much time) and so welcoming. The kids (two boys 6 and 2, plus new little girl) are amazing. Older boy and I hit it off and little guy was so cute. Liked playing games and dragging me down the sidewalk to see a "tractor" (fork lift). I can imagine many happy times ahead feeling grandma-ish! As to the newborn, In Love. Since the dad wasn't able to contribute (childhood illness made him sterile) they used donor sperm and Mom egg. They chose based on qualities (science and art genes) they liked...and she's African American plus several other interesting ethnicities I can't recall. Beautiful, strong looking baby. Big feet and long fingers, so she'll be an Olympic swimmer-concert pianist, of course. I felt very happy being among them all. They explicitly welcomed me, the oldest said "I'm glad you're part of our family" and I just melted. So much fun. They seemed also to enjoy me rolling my eyes at M at times, with shared grins.

One of the DILs sent me home-made elderberry syrup to help fight the cold. A son sent me a pomegranate from his front yard. I spent the last two days lolling about at the hotel, which was quirky and fun if not super comfy. I called it "The Hotel Where Old People Go to Hurt Themselves" because it was tall on charm and eccentric decor but short on practicality. Lovely old renovated Victorian with three spiffed-up Airstreams out back in a cute garden. I got them to fetch me an actual reading lamp. M said every time he showered he was anxious. Cute clawfoot tubs with a curved bottom and no grab bars. So we'll stay somewhere more conventional next time but I wouldn't mind staying there again. Nice breakfasts and interesting people around.

Feeling much better today and having dinner with M Wednesday. He brought groceries because as usual, I had no staples, and friends have been in touch to hear about the trip. Will be seeing several later in the week.

Have my stroke followup appt with a neurologist tomorrow afternoon. Fingers crossed. Almost cancelled it but then figured I might have to wait months if I rescheduled. So I'll go cough at her.

I am so far behind on your posts and that'll be my favorite thing tomorrow.

love to all,
Hops

Hopalong:
[Shifted health stuff over to the Health Updates thread...]

Newish relationship news:
M and I really do travel well together. That's a delight.

Now he's asking if I'll go to Buenos Aires next August. My first impulse was jeez, gotta slow down. (And, I was sick on the way home for the second time.) But, I'm starting to rebound with a sense of adventure. This is just craaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. If we keep it up, it's a LOT more than I'm used to. I hadn't been across the pond or out of the country (one business trip to Canada excepted) since '75.

Since I met M nine months ago, the travel picture has been:
Paris last summer
California just now
Costa Rica in Dec-Jan
[he also suggested London in June, I demurred but could change my mind]
Spain/Portugal in April
now, maybe, Buenos Aires in August

This feels normal to him (he gets paid trips paid because he a visiting lecturer, pays for my room and food and sometimes flight, if he forgets to use his FF miles)... but it's WACKY to me. And the dog/house-sitter is nibbling away at my anemic emergency fund.

Trying to get my head around all this jet setting. Speaking of which, carbon offsets don't do it, so there's the climate warming guilt.

Other R thing. I'm still trying to figure out whether M's constant talking is just an insecurity tic or is narcissistic. I'm spooked about the latter because my mother did that constantly and it cost me too much, and because of her I'm so well-groomed to fall in love with sparkly, self absorbed people. He behaves adoringly and then I notice that there is SO much I-I-I in his monologues, how rarely he actually tunes into me and how poorly he listens.

We've barely starting couples counseling, though. I need to be brave enough to ask the N-questions there. And despite sometimes feeling that he wants me as a companion largely because I'm smart, offer him good banter and good company...and he feels better about himself having an "attractive"  woman....I also think in his own way he does love me.

It's a big conundrum and I have a fair amount of paranoia about it. So our work ain't done. He keeps proposing and I keep putting on the brakes. I just tell him, we have our work to do, still, first....

Just rambles. Thanks for listening to them.

love
Hops

lighter:
Will unpack and respond to this lovely update, Hops.  So g l ad you had a good trip.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
The trip sounds amazing, Hops.  I'm so glad M's family were so welcoming and made you feel so at home.  I'm sorry you picked up a bug, though!  I hope that clears up soon and doesn't leave you too wiped out.

The travel plans sound amazing and a jet set life style has its appeal.  I get what you're saying about the jet lag, health problems, dog sitter costs and carbon guilt, though.  It's difficult to find a balance between making the most of opportunities and not leaving yourself skint and worn out in the process.  So I hope there's a mid point you can find because traveling around a bit sounds lovely.

The insecurity/anxiety/narcissism bit is a difficult one.  I'm glad you've got T's, both alone and together to guide you through it.  I do wonder about the boundaries between various neurological conditions and personality and/or mental health problems.  I've been thinking about my own mum and wondering that if she is an undiagnosed autistic, possibly born to another undiagnosed autistic, parenting possibly two undiagnosed autistics - in a world where autism was still misunderstood and almost undetected in women - if the experience of not being heard, seen, accepted as she is or was triggered the other stuff that happened over the years.  So I do wonder how many of these things overlap and intertwine.  All of that is theoretical, though.  I think, in practical terms, what matters, is whether those 'dodgy' bits are things we can cope with and that don't harm us?  And I guess that is different for each of us.  Our experiences from family members can make us more sensitive, which can be good or bad, depending on which way you look at it :)  But you are a smart cookie and you have good professional help, plus M does seem genuinely interested in working on the relationship with you (I kind of think an N would be blaming you for the situation and not accepting they might have a part to play?  He seems to be willing to accept he might need to change a bit to keep your fire burning :) ).  I hope you can find a way through, whichever way it might be.  I am looking forward to catching upon all the other threads :) xx

Hopalong:
Thanks very much, Tupp. Insightful and on-point as ever.
I really appreciate what you said here:


--- Quote ---M does seem genuinely interested in working on the relationship with you (I kind of think an N would be blaming you for the situation and not accepting they might have a part to play?  He seems to be willing to accept he might need to change a bit to keep your fire burning :)
--- End quote ---

You're right about all this. I think it's why I'm still with him, when I've ended other relationships over less. The sweet, good, core of M keeps showing me over and over that this is very real and sincere to him, and that beside whatever less-romantic motives he may have, M really does value me deeply. We may have somewhat different notions of love but I believe we're offering each other our realest selves to the degree we can access them. I think his anxiety, over-proving, over-talking, over-persuading behavior is just a lifelong drive he's had to prove himself, for core family issues he's never really unpacked. Including being a golden child in a wealthy family parented more by servants, though he maintains great love for his parents. He's still compensating for something. But his playful, open and exuberant nature, plus the brilliance, are wonderful qualities to be around.

Whew. I'm just very grateful that he is so open and willing to do "whatever it takes" for our relationship. Maybe it's because I seem like a last major goal to him. Maybe it's because his brief months as a widower overwhelmed him (lot of silence). Maybe it's because all the ways we DO "get: each other are as remarkable to him as he declares they are. Or I'm cute and purty and witty. Or something.

I do love him. I just don't believe love is all you need. We're doing the work, and I think what's hard for him is the pace. He'd like to rush from episodes of intense happiness directly to GOAL. Buy the house get married and it's ANCHORED. I think he views me as an anchor he's desperate not to lose. I don't want to lose him either. I think going back to life and my image of old age before I met him could be very bleak. But I've got a deep determination to build a foundation that is real and not fantasy based.

BTW, I was relieved when he found out that Buenos Aires would be too close to the start of the academic year. Enough trips in the quiver for me....

Hugs
Hops

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