Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Relationship/s
Twoapenny:
It is good that he's open to working on things, Hops, and I'm so happy to hear that the lovely bits about him are still very much evident (I think if it was show to woo you in the early days it would be fading by now). He does sound like a caring person and yep, I can see that he may have had to prove himself endlessly throughout his life and it's deeply ingrained in him now. And I think you're right; you do need more than love and a real foundation rather than a picture of what you hope it might be like (as you mentioned on the other thread about visualising relationships and then being crushed when they don't work out). Real and imperfect as opposed to pretend and endlessly wonderful :) I'm am keeping all fingers crossed that things continue to work out for you :) xx
lighter:
Hops:
I think travel is very stressful, IME.
It's a testament to how well you and M are doing that you not only enjoyed each other very much, but you also enjoyed meeting his family, and forming new attachments.
I think M truly does love and value you as a companion, and partner. He cares what you think and feel. He wants to come to a place where you're both happy, and he seems to be working very hard to that end.
I'm very happy for you both.
Hope you feel better soon.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
How're you feeling Hops? Over the bug?
What happening with you & M? Still smooth sailing? Starting to relax with and into each other yet?
Hopalong:
You're right, Tupp:
--- Quote ---Real and imperfect as opposed to pretend and endlessly wonderful
--- End quote ---
That's exactly it. When I talked to him about "building the foundation" he was very receptive. I think a lot of tension has evaporated recently because of two things:
--I haven't budged and he's still wonderful
--We've shelved-for-now one struggle we were having (his panic over sexual intimacy because of his surgery, which I had compassion for but was ultimately unable to relax with because he over-ran me in a very vulnerable state like a bulldozer in his anxiety, so he gets to work on that for now with his own T...unless later we try again, which I'm sure we will)
--He's more than willing to do couples-T. I have a feeling we'll see big benefits rather quickly. The relief we both felt after even the preliminary sessions was clear.
Lighter, you're right. I believe he genuinely loves me too. It's been nine months and my trust in him and his intentions has increased a lot. He IS working at it. I'm not as much. But I think that's the real situation and I'm okay with that. When I do have to dig deep, I will. But for now I'm holding some information and questions for couples-T. M still has a lot to do about learning to listen. Meanwhile, we play well together and always enjoy each other's company. I was in a sad/bad mood the other day and told him I ought not to expose him, had nothing to do with us...and he called and so sweetly told me to come over no matter what mood I was in, he loved me as I am, I could not listen to him, and we'd put on great music, and I went and he was just lovely and my bad mood turned happy. This appears to be what being loved feels like! He wasn't (for a change) being controlling, just kind.
Skep, bug is 90% gone, though this cold snap won't help.
We are definitely beginning to relax together more. We are truly a "WE." The trip and the family happies was significant (and Costa Rica for the others will be a big deal too -- verrrrry different from the young California families). CR is where all the headstones and generations of Big Deal Family History and Upper Social Strata Hyper-Wealth stuff is concentrated. I am un-intimidated (ancient history, but first boyfriend's family had similar resources) but very curious. I know his sister will be great. Turns out his industrialist brother is deeply evangelical (Central America crazytown style) and am glad I know that. I can handle folks of all sorts because I just go with kindness and warmth and usually all goes well. M is much loved, greatly admired, etc. in that place. I am curious to see how he manages all those ancient heavy vibes. I'm glad he hasn't sold his condo there yet so we'll have a peaceful place to retreat to. I'm packing light and basically bringing myself. As is.
We are enjoying each other much more now. Decided to keep Tgiving simple (he had been talking about cooking and hosting and I said I'd sous-chef but generally have downplayed and detached from holidays for a decade). So we're going to a potluck at my church, a place he's curious about but hasn't explored, which he thinks will be interesting.
ONE thing I'm clear about with M is that he has NOOOOOO tolerance for boredom and to be happy requires steady stimulation. I don't feel obliged to entertain him (although evidently I often do, since our conversations are very lively) ... but this strikes me as the perfect way to avoid stress and keep his brain busy!
Should be good. And thanks for checking in about us.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
A simple Thanksgiving sounds like the best kind, Hops. I love simplicity, whichever form it takes. I think there's something really warm about it - like it's the intention that matters, not how much money you spend or how fancy everything is. I like that.
I do wonder if M has spent a lot of time around people who wanted or needed him to be in control - lead the conversation, make the decisions, tell everyone what to do. Some lead and some follow. I know there are times when I feel like everyone I know is waiting for me to tell them what to do and how to do it (and I used to as well, these days I tend not to). I think it's amazing that he's willing to make attempts to keep things good between you. What you said about him being so kind when you were in a bad mood was so sweet. It all sounds very lovely :) xx
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