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Hopalong:
Me too, Tupp. I love simple entertaining, celebrating, etc. M has an affinity for formality, but that's fine. I know all the rules and tricks from being sous-chef and butler for so many of my parents' dinner parties (and Nmom's obsession with formal etiquette). If M wants to do those now and then, I can help and participate. But the rest of the time, just having friends stop by as they are is what makes me happiest.

I've noticed that we've socialized a ton with my friends, casually and easily. But M's friendships seem to be all based in colleague relationships. I do think they're his friends, but there's a level of professors-at-salon to it that's a little lacking for me. I know he loves intellectual discourse better than just about anything. But I don't know of a male friend he'd call for help if he was injured or depressed. I think in his life it's more been women who've been the people to be close to. With his male friends, the egos and intellectual competitiveness are always on display.

I need both. People who come by in holey Tshirts and some with whom I have dynamic conversations about life and relationships and the country, etc. A lot looser.

Maybe I'm providing that freer connection for M. And he's providing stability for me.

As to M's controlling/leading side...I think some of that he enjoys (too much!) and some is a burden from family expectations. I hope he continues in therapy and learns more about himself. I hope as he gets older, those insights will be as interesting to him as studying cultural histories has been. He seems amazed when the penny drops and he makes a connection about something psychological. Not as much of a navel-gazer as I am, but he does have a curious mind.

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
It's nice that he's keen to learn, Hops, and that he sees it as a good thing to venture into.  Yes, I like a range of people, I think most guys I know tend to have work related friends rather than any other kind.  I don't know if work is a bigger part of their lives?  Whereas a lot of women fit it around kids, home and looking after older relatives (not that men don't do these things but I think often women do more of that).  So perhaps we come into contact with a wider range of people.  I think you sound like a good mix for each other :) xx

Hopalong:
Definitely, CB!
I understand it; it just saddens me for him. (And it also can put a bit of extra stress on the female in a relationship if a man has little closeness with male friends. I notice M is basically mostly "masked", even with the men he's known for years.) But I agree he's past able to change this much, and I'm content being his person, not expecting to change that!

I don't mind the occasional more formal thing and am happy to sous-chef. M doesn't do those events that often, and he's always happy to get together with my friends which is casual and usually fun, except when he dominates conversation to the point I feel embarrassed. (One time though, a gathering included a couple of gay women, and when he tried his usual running the conversation the one next to him just ignored him and kept talking, unimpressed. I was glad! I don't think he's been around that many women who push back directly.) I continue to see my friends alone and always will. So when he really craves full-on dinner party stuff, I'm glad to go along.

Despite all the above, we're doing well. Love feelings intact, and our next meeting with the counselor tomorrow. A lot of tension has drained away since he agreed to do this, with no reluctance at all. We still have a few areas to work through about intimacy, which I'll find difficult to talk about in a room with two males, but we'll get there. (Or we'll go off to another T at some point who specializes.)

It's work, but it's worth it. I generally delight in his company. He turned up last night with a huge bunch of roses for no reason. And he's adorable with my pooch.

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
I'm glad you're still doing OK with M, Hops.

I hope the next T appointment gives you lots of good information to make decisions on.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp and Light.

I don't so much think it's decision-making (or in the short-term) that's my goal.
For me, for now, my goal in couples-T is to literally use the presence of the T as a guardrail, to help us listen to and learn more about each other.

M often seems SOOOO overstimulated and giddy in my presence that mature mutual dialogue is hard. Though he's been calmer and more adult with me lately. What I enjoy with the T is that interrupting is derailed, the pace calms, and when M is holding forth I can observe him quietly, and vice versa.

Early days, but I'm enjoying this process. It may sometimes be a bit like being a loving witness to some individual-T work on M's part, but I'm sitting there.

hugs
Hops

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