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Relationship/s

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Hopalong:
Thank you, (((((((((Tupp))))))))))).

We do have some issues but are still doing couples counseling, just slowly,
since we signed up at a time when we were about to travel and same for him.
So I'm sure there will be some difficult work ahead, but equally sure we're both committed to doing our best with it.

We've slowed the pace of working out when/how to live together, which he says depends on selling his property in Costa Rica first. We'll find out. I try not to worry about that, although "am I leaving my little house?" looms. I guess the clear answer is of course I am. Just don't know when or where or how. That uncertainty is difficult for me but I understand his plan.

It's a real comfort to come here and summarize and spot-check everything as it goes along.

Big hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
M IS Pooch, Tupp! You got it!
I refuse to rub his belly, however.

She has become a beautiful sort of catalyst-connection-conveyance between us. I just love the interactions we have "through" her. Lots of laughter and affection and goofiness. He genuinely loves her and she has dropped her last resistance to him. It's been sweet to watch unfold.

And maybe she helped us get easier with our own affection too. It's far from "calm" but there are moments when we're settling down to an easy companionship. We went through some tensions, that's for sure. But something kept us trying and working at it, and now it keeps getting better.

One BIG thing is the couples-T. He's verrrrry insightful, to the point that even Brilliant M (who often slips into professor-who-knows-more-than-anyone-anywhere mode, alas) comes out excited, praising the T's "penetrating questions." We both feel really good about it and are, as I'd hoped, learning a lot more about each other with T's guidance. It feels very very good.

He controls M's interruptions and holds him to account for being dismissive on occasion. And he doesn't let me off the hook either. The nicest thing (which I never felt to this depth ever when I tried counseling with two husbands in the past) is that M and I feel CLOSER when we come out, MUTUALLY motivated and excited to be learning.

One invaluable thing I find in M is his eagerness to learn, which is evident in counseling despite the professor ego. Once we get into relationship issues, he seems open and fascinated and dedicated, and it really encourages me.

This is the first time I've been in early-days couple counseling and I'm experiencing a whole different kind of hope.

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
I think that sense that you're both working on it and genuinely want it to work is such a good thing, Hops, and so much nicer than what often happens, which is that couples go to counselling when nothing else has worked and neither one of them can really be bothered any more.  It's great that you got into it sooner rather than later.  Good on you for putting the idea forward and good on M for being so engaged with the process and so open to trying it out and doing something new.

The therapist sounds great.  You need someone who is almost like a referee.  It must be difficult counseling couples as you have to mind two sets of needs and wants, without letting one dominate over the other.  He sounds like a good find.

And I think pets can be such a good barometer of how things are around them.  The fact that Pooch and M are getting on so well is a good sign.  I'm really pleased that you are working through this together and that things are moving forward and giving you hope for the future :)  It's really lovely to read xx

Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
Wish you and son and the whole board were here so we could have a celebratory potluck! Lighter cooks, Amber splits wood (even though I don't have a fireplace), CB decorates, Bettyanne roasts her toes and relaxes, Mud bellows carols and Doc G takes notes. Anybody I left out comes by unexpectedly to drag us all outside to build snowpeople. (Even though there's no snow yet.)

Reality seems so...optional, sometimes.

Dunno if I mentioned that this couples-T is a sikh. When I first saw him my heart sank. But even in the first session his questions were so intelligent and his kindness evident. I had a huge struggle when I got home and explained to M that I would need one more "consultation" before I could decide whether to work with him (which I did because M had responded so positively). M was fine with it.

So in session 2 I just laid out all my baggage about religion, particulary the kind which includes gurus, and men-in-religion (my ex boss/wannabe N-guru, my grandfather-preacher who abused his daughters, my years-ago Christian therapist whom I saw despite initial hesitation because he seemed kind and I didn't want to prejudge but who pressured me into marrying my second husband because he was uncomfortable with me being single and sexually active--which he didn't let on until after the disastrous wedding night/honeymoon, my recently-ex minister who manipulated and berated congregants and projected his many issues onto us, and twisted things that happen in the culture now because of religion.

He listened very patiently, as did M. I told him I was concerned that because his religion is difficult to forget about because he wears it on his head (turban) and face (beard) I might have difficulty trusting him. He explained that he converted in the 60s when he was entirely f**d up and had met a group of people who were into it, and while he lived there (a communal thing, very common then) he would follow along and one day said to himself, I need a structure for myself, these people are good, and I just need to make a commitment, so he did. (I also told him one reason I was willing was that I had a kind sikh friend at church and that I had read enough to know that the skih scriptures stipulate that women and men are equal in every way.) It was a LOAD.

Anyhow, his answers were reasonable, transparent, and I just stopped fearing it. And now I'm glad I did. I don't share his vocabulary about "the divine in all people" but I do know what he means and feel at peace with it.

My own scraps of faith (undiagnosed faith, hah) have been severely depleted by what's gone on at my church, which makes me really sad. I read about all the typical activities coming up and am entirely uninspired. BUT...we will eventually be past the holiday period (which is painful) and within a year, will have a new minister. I may just wait until then to start going back to see how things are.

Big ramble...
hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Well I'm impressed that you were able to go in and tell him all of that, Hops, because I know with me that sort of unpacking scares me silly and I avoid it and have just not gone back to T's I didn't feel comfortable with.  Something for me to work on in the future :)  I'm glad he was able to allay your fear and yes, I have to say I don't have a lot of faith in religion, for similar reasons.  The endless focus on virgins bothers me enormously along with the never ending stream of child abuse cases that seem to just keep coming.  Then there are the Magdalen laundries in Ireland, horrifying stories of the abuse that went on there and it's something that I read a lot about over the years due to my dad's Irish roots.  I would have felt uncomfortable too, but I wouldn't have been as brave as you to tell him :)  I'm glad he has turned out to be such a good egg xx

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