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lighter:
I'm so glad the T appointment went well, Hops.  I was hoping it would.

Lighter

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 14, 2020, 01:51:58 AM ---(((((Tupp))))) -- We're on the same page!

One persistent interest of mine for years has been aging issues, including co-housing, shared housing, etc. I know a good deal about it. Unfortunately the only cohousing communities here (there are two) are too expensive for me. This area's very pricey even for that.

When I was still hoping to inherit my mother's big house one of my plans was to get two or three female friend roommates and create our own co-house for old age, pooling resources etc. But that didn't work out because of my brother (and the fact that my friends have their own plans and generally are better off). I checked out the other two as well. Then as I've talked about a lot here, I've helped elderly folks in independent apartments in old-age developments, and learned what they pay each month. Out of my reach.

But. There's a new nonprofit here I've begun to volunteer for that is based on healthy people (mostly in 60s or 70s) doing for free for frail elders exactly the kind of thing I've done for pay. Then, one day, if you need similar help so you can age in your home as long as possible, you can turn to this network for chores, drivers, shopping help etc -- at no charge. It's a brilliant concept that's already underway in some cities and I'm looking forward to working on it here.

That does not resolve anything medical or if you're no longer mobile ... but it's still a good step. And I have an interview for an elderly couple next week so I can start doing some PT elder-help paid work again, which I've taken a break from for many months now, since the old gent died and the two women became too ill for me to help. It'll do me good to work again, independence wise.

Hugs
Hops

--- End quote ---

I'm so glad, Hops, both about the paid work and the not for profit group; that sounds like a brilliant idea and I know for me just knowing there is 'someone' I can call is a big help, even if I don't need to call them.  I think the sense of aloneness is so hard to cope with, even if you don't actually need someone at the time.  I think having a network that people can call on is a great idea.

Your T does sound brilliant and I'm really happy that M is so engaged with the process and willing to work through things.  Hopefully he'll be able to pace himself a bit better so he doesn't whirl off into these spirals where he seems to lose contact with the rest of the world :)  I'm really glad you had an appointment quite quickly and that you've had your say!  It's great that it's all going so well in that regard.  I hope the cardio thing goes well tomorrow and gives you some reassurance xx

Hopalong:
Thanks much, ((((Tupp)))).
The joint T sessions continue to go astonishingly well. I don't know if I'm testing the limits, but I have found myself both bold and extremely assertive (with zero animus) in these sessions...and observe both that the T "gets" me every time (we often exchange looks while M holds forth and I understand in the moment with no doubt that he understands) and that he consistently redirects M to what just happened (or didn't). It's kind of an exciting process and gives me lots of comfort and hope. It's kind of wonderful to have a T noticing my facial expressions and trusting they mean something.

Perhaps I'll say yes to M's next proposal with the contingency that he agrees to stay in or re-enter therapy with me any time I need it!

Meanwhile, I'm feeling calmer and more confident in the relationship with M. We went through another intense, kind of testing experience just now, that ended up with me feeling that I do know how to interact with him as part of a couple.

An endearing and delightful British scholar just arrived (like two weeks ago) for a semester in M's department as a visiting distinguished professor. I picked up him and his wife to take them to a dinner party at M's almost a week ago, and we bonded instantly over politics. The evening was lovely (they all spoke English the whole night which was a pleasure for me). And then I took them home, and afterward, he sent M and me a bunch of hysterical British satire videos about the current US president. It was fun and I was looking forward to getting to know him (and his sweet wife, A) over the next six months.

Two days ago he suddenly died of a heart attack at 4am. M left me messages and I went over and comforted her, took her on a long walk to a beautiful meadow near his place, and joined another woman comforting her throughout the evening. M was so grateful and appreciative of this and we both were deeply affected by her loss. She was beside herself (they'd been married 45 years). He dealt with all the practical complexities (except for me asking my lawyer how to reassure her about cremation even though his 20-year-old will, done in the U.K., expressed his desire to be buried)...and I was just support. But the whole thing has brought us even closer. Talking about deeper and more meaningful issues.

Because of this, I've been re-thinking my recent sense that I didn't want to take the "next trip" with him...to California again in March, for a long week with the kids/grandkids (shared rented house on the beach in Santa Barbara). Anyway, I was surprised to realize that after thinking I DON"T want to go anywhere again soon with him, I feel connected in a way that makes me more likely to want to go. The deadline (for him to cancel my ticket) is this Sunday, and I may surprise him by saying Yes.

All in all, I'd say we're in better shape than I thought. I weirdly feel more connected to him and also more connected to my desire to attend to my own life. Perhaps we'll figure out the balance.

Optimistically,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Oh, Hops, I'm so sorry to read of that nice man's sudden passing, and how awful for his wife to lose him so suddenly like that.  I'm glad that you and M were there for her to support her both practically and emotionally, what an awful situation for all of you.

I am heartened to read that the therapy is going well and that this most recent event has made you feel closer to M.  I do think you get to see the real heart of people during a crisis and the fact that he stepped up to organise things and make sure the poor lady was okay is a good testament to his good heart, I think.  I feel the same about his continued commitment to therapy and I do feel that if he were putting on an act or a kind of 'I'll do this to keep her quiet' approach to it the cracks would be showing by now, but they aren't.  He seems sincere in his desire to be with you, and committed to working on himself to make that happen.  I think that's really encouraging and if you feel like this trip would be a good experience then go for it.  I like the fact that you feel you can change your mind and decide what to do when it suits you, rather than doing what suits everyone else.  I was really glad to read your post - there was so much in it that was positive, despite the fact there was such an unexpected bereavement in amongst it.

I am sorry for the poor chap and his wife but glad you were able to be there for her xx

lighter:
So that's where you've been. 

(((Hops))) I'm so sorry you lost a new friend but glad you were able to comfort his wife. 

These things shift perspective, IME.  Making the most of the time we have left, knowing it might end tomorrow is a good thing.

Lighter

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